What is addiction to cell phone and technology

While a smartphone, tablet, or computer can be a hugely productive tool, compulsive use of these devices can interfere with your daily life, work, and relationships. When you spend more time on social media or playing games than you do interacting with real people, or you can’t stop yourself from repeatedly checking texts, emails, news feeds, websites, or apps—even when it has negative consequences in your life—it may be time to reassess your technology use.

By learning about the signs and symptoms of smartphone and Internet addiction and the ways to break free of the habit, you can better balance your life, online and off.

What is nomophobia

Smartphone addiction, sometimes colloquially known as “nomophobia” (“no mobile phone” and phobia), is often fueled by an Internet overuse problem or Internet addiction disorder. After all, it’s rarely the phone or tablet itself that creates the compulsion, but rather the games, apps, and online worlds it connects us to.

The disorder termed nomophobia (fear of being without a mobile phone) ¹⁾ or mobile phone addiction ²⁾. Generally speaking, nomophobia is the pathological fear of remaining out of touch with technology ³⁾. Nomophobia is considered a disorder of the contemporary digital and virtual society and refers to discomfort, anxiety, nervousness or anguish caused by being out of contact with a mobile phone or computer ⁴⁾.

Varied and different are the clinical characteristics of nomophobia: the technological device can be used in an impulsive way ⁵⁾ as a protective shell, shield, as a transitional object ⁶⁾ or as a means for avoiding social communication (the so-called “new technologies paradox”) ⁷⁾:

• Fear of Missing Out (FOMO). Recent research ⁸⁾ has suggested that high engagement in social networking is partially due to what has been named the ‘fear of missing out’ (FOMO). FOMO is “a pervasive apprehension that others might be having rewarding experiences from which one is absent” ⁹⁾.
• To use regularly a mobile phone and to spend considerable time on it, to have one or more devices, to always carry a charger with oneself;
• To feel anxious and nervous at the thought of losing one’s own handset or when the mobile phone is not available nearby or is misplaced or cannot be used because of lack of network coverage, flattened battery, and/or lack of credit, and try to avoid as much as possible the places and the situations in which the use of the device is banned (such as public transit, restaurants, theaters, and airports);
• To look at the phone’s screen to see whether messages or calls have been received (a habit referred to by David Laramie as “ringxiety” – a portmanteau for ringer and anxiety);
• To keep the mobile phone always switched on (24 hours a day), to sleep with the mobile device in bed;
• To have few social face-to-face interactions with humans which would lead to anxiety and stress; to prefer to communicate using the new technologies;
• To incur debts or great expense from using the mobile phone.
• To feel anxious on near exhaustion of mobile data or shortage of balance in mobile
• To feel anxious due to inability of being connected with social media due to non usage of phone or any of its functions
• To feel anxious for not using the phone for a week
• The feeling associated with time period of having mobile phone with self
• To feel tension in the form of anxiety and stress due to non-timely response
• To feel anxious from loss of mobile and battery discharge
• Spending time more than 3 hours on phone calls per day

Ringxiety can assume sometimes intriguing and particular clinical forms of presentation, from the sensation of hearing “phantom ring tones” or “false mobile sounds” or confusing the sound of a cell phone ringing with a sound similar to it to the knee-jerk reaction to search for one’s own mobile after hearing or presuming to have heard a ring tone.

Smartphone addiction can encompass a variety of impulse-control problems, including:

• Virtual relationships. Addiction to social networking, dating apps, texting, and messaging can extend to the point where virtual, online friends become more important than real-life relationships. We’ve all seen the couples sitting together in a coffee shop or restaurant ignoring each other and engaging with their smartphones instead. While the Internet can be a great place to meet new people, reconnect with old friends, or even start romantic relationships, online relationships are not a healthy substitute for real life interactions. Online friends tend to exist in a bubble, not subject to the same demands or stresses as messy real-world relationships. Since few real-life relationships can compete with these neat, virtual relationships, you may find yourself spending more and more time with online friends, retreating from your real world family and friends. Compulsive use of dating apps can change your focus to short-term hookups instead of developing long-term relationships.

• Online compulsions, such as gaming, gambling, stock trading, online shopping, or bidding on auction sites like eBay can often lead to financial and job-related problems. While gambling addiction has been a well-documented problem for years, the availability of Internet gambling has made gambling far more accessible. Compulsive stock trading or online shopping can be just as financially and socially damaging. eBay addicts may wake up at strange hours in order to be online for the last remaining minutes of an auction. You may purchase things you don’t need and can’t afford just to experience the excitement of placing the winning bid.

• Information overload. Compulsive web surfing, watching videos, playing games, searching Google, or checking news feeds can lead to lower productivity at work or school and isolate you for hours at a time. All this compulsive use of the Internet and smartphone apps can cause you to neglect other aspects of your life, from real-world relationships to hobbies and social pursuits.

While you can experience these impulse-control problems with a laptop or even desktop computer, the size and convenience of smartphones and tablets means that we can take them just about anywhere and gratify our compulsions. In fact, studies suggest that most of us are rarely ever more than five feet from our smartphones. Many people admit to regularly using them in theaters, while driving, during religious services, business meetings, kids’ school performances, in the shower, and even during sex. So what causes our obsession with these always-connected devices?

Smartphones, tablets, or the Internet can be addictive because their use, just like the use of drugs and alcohol, can trigger the release of the brain chemical dopamine and alter mood. And just like using drugs and alcohol, you can rapidly build up tolerance so that it takes more and more time in front of these screens to derive the same pleasurable reward.

Effects of smartphone addiction

While heavy phone use can often be symptomatic of other underlying problems—such as stress, anxiety, depression, or loneliness—it can also exacerbate these problems. If you use your smartphone as a “security blanket” to relieve feelings of anxiety, loneliness, or awkwardness in social situations, for example, you’ll succeed only in cutting yourself off further from the people around you. Staring at your phone will deny you the face-to-face interactions that can help to meaningfully connect you to others, alleviate anxiety, and boost your mood. In other words, the remedy you’re choosing for your anxiety (engaging with your smartphone), is actually making your anxiety worse.

Smartphone or Internet addiction can also negatively impact your life by:

• Increasing loneliness and depression. While it may seem that losing yourself online will temporarily make feelings such as loneliness, depression, and boredom evaporate into thin air, it can actually make you feel even worse. A 2014 study found a correlation between high social media usage and depression and anxiety. Users, especially teens, tend to compare themselves unfavorably with their peers on social media, promoting feelings of loneliness and depression.
• Fueling anxiety. One researcher found that the mere presence of a phone in a work place tends to make people more anxious and perform poorly on given tasks. The heavier the phone user, the greater the anxiety experienced.
• Increasing stress. Using a smartphone for work often means work bleeds into your home and personal life. You feel the pressure to always be on, never out of touch from work. This need to continually check and respond to email can contribute to higher stress levels and even burnout.
• Exacerbating attention deficit disorders. The constant stream of messages and information from a smartphone can overwhelm the brain and make it impossible to focus attention on any one thing for more than a few minutes without feeling compelled to move on to something else.
• Diminishing your ability to concentrate and think deeply or creatively. The persistent buzz, ping or beep of your smartphone can distract you from important tasks, slow your work, and interrupt those quiet moments that are so crucial to creativity and problem solving. Instead of ever being alone with our thoughts, we’re now always online and connected.
• Disturbing your sleep. Excessive smartphone use can disrupt your sleep, which can have a serious impact on your overall mental health. It can impact your memory, affect your ability to think clearly, and reduce your cognitive and learning skills.
• Encouraging self-absorption. A UK study found that people who spend a lot of time on social media are more likely to display negative personality traits such as narcissism. Snapping endless selfies, posting all your thoughts or details about your life can create an unhealthy self-centeredness, distancing you from real-life relationships and making it harder to cope with stress.

Prior to the arrival of the cell phone, abundant research had been conducted on behavioral addictions to videogames ¹⁰⁾, exercise ¹¹⁾, online sex ¹²⁾, food ¹³⁾, shopping ¹⁴⁾, work ¹⁵⁾, and the Internet ¹⁶⁾. Indeed, for several authors, a large number of behaviors are potentially addictive ¹⁷⁾ if there is a concurrence of negative consequences and physical and psychological reinforcements in a specific context ¹⁸⁾.

In general, Brown ¹⁹⁾ and Griffiths ²⁰⁾ note that an addiction entails abuse without control, alterations in mood, tolerance, abstinence, and personal harm or conflicts in the environment, as well as a tendency to relapse. Sussman and Sussman ²¹⁾ profile addiction, in its broadest sense, as the capacity to get “hooked” on reinforcing behaviors, excessive worry about consumption or behaviors with high positive reinforcement, tolerance, loss of control, and difficulty in avoiding said behavior, despite its negative consequences. Specifically, Echeburua et al. ²²⁾ noted as defining elements of behavioral addictions the loss of control, the establishment of a dependent relationship, tolerance, the need for progressively more time and dedication, and severe interference with daily life. Cía ²³⁾ highlights the automatism by which these behaviors lead to uncontrollable use, in addition to feelings of intense desire or irresistible need, loss of control, inattention to usual activities, the focalization of interests on the behavior or activity of interest, the persistence of the behavior despite its negative effects, and the irritability and malaise associated with abstinence.

Shambare et al. ²⁴⁾ consider cell-phone addiction to be one of the greatest addictions of the current century. They highlight six types of behavior, habitual (habits performed with little mental awareness), mandatory (officially required o parentally mandated), voluntary (reasoned and conducted for specific motivations), dependent (motivated by the attached importance of social norms), compulsive (strong urge to continuously perform the behavior), and addictive, or behavior defined by the user’s progressive exclusion of other activities, causing physical, mental, and social harm, while attempting to control the user’s dysphoric feelings. Therefore, excessive attention and uncontrolled dedication to one’s cell phone is an addiction.

Signs and symptoms of smartphone addiction

We can use smartphones to fill every quiet moment and keep us entertained, up to date, and connected to friends and strangers alike. But how much time is too much time to spend on a smartphone or other mobile device?

Americans spend an average of nearly 3½ hours a day on their mobile devices—checking social media, watching videos, and accessing apps or the Internet. However, there is no specific amount of time spent on your phone, or the frequency you check for updates, or the number of messages you send or receive that indicates an addiction or overuse problem. You may need to use the Internet or email extensively for work, for example, or have to be on call for your job or as a family caregiver, or you may rely heavily on social media to keep in touch with faraway family and friends.

Spending a lot of time connected to your phone only becomes a problem when it absorbs so much of your time it causes you to neglect your face-to-face relationships, your work, school, hobbies, or other important things in your life. If you find yourself ignoring friends over lunch to read Facebook updates or compulsively checking your phone in while driving or during school lectures, then it’s time to reassess your smartphone use and strike a healthier balance in your life.

General warning signs of smartphone addiction

• Problematic and conscious use in dangerous situations or prohibited contexts ²⁵⁾ with social and familial conflicts and confrontations, as well as loss of interest in other activities ²⁶⁾. A continuation of the behavior is observed despite the negative effects or the personal malaise caused ²⁷⁾.
• Harm, repeated physical, mental, social, work, or familial interruptions, preferring the cell phone to personal contact ²⁸⁾; frequent and constant consultations in brief periods ²⁹⁾ with insomnia and sleep disturbances ³⁰⁾.
• Excessive use, urgency, abstinence, tolerance, dependence, difficulty controlling, craving, increasing use to achieve satisfaction or relaxation or to counteract a dysphoric mood ³¹⁾, the need to be connected, feelings of irritability or of being lost if separated from the phone or of sending and viewing messages with feelings of unease when unable to use it ³²⁾.
• Anxiety and loneliness when unable to send a message or receive an immediate response; stress and changes in mood due to the need to respond immediately to messages ³³⁾.
• Trouble completing tasks at work or home. Do you find laundry piling up and little food in the house for dinner because you’ve been busy chatting online, texting, or playing video games? Perhaps you find yourself working late more often because you can’t complete your work on time.
• Isolation from family and friends. Is your social life suffering because of all the time you spend on your phone or other device? If you’re in a meeting or chatting with friends, do you lose track of what’s being said because you’re checking messages or updates on your phone? Have friends and family expressed concern about the amount of time you spend on your phone? Do you feel like no one in your “real” life—even your spouse—understands you like your online friends?
• Concealing your smartphone use. Do you sneak off to a quiet place to use your smartphone? Do you hide your smartphone use or lie to your boss and family about the amount of time you spend online? Do you get irritated or cranky if your online time is interrupted?
• Have a fear of missing out (FOMO). Do you hate to feel out of the loop or think you’re missing out on important news or information if you don’t check you phone regularly? Do you need to compulsively check social media because you’re anxious that others are having a better time, making more money, or leading a more exciting life than you? Do you get up at night to check your phone?
• Feeling of dread, anxiety or panic if you leave your smartphone at home, the battery runs down or the operating system crashes. Or you feel a phantom vibration—you feel your phone vibrating but when you check, there are no new messages or updates.

Table 1. Symptomatology of problematic cell-phone use

Withdrawal symptoms from smartphone addiction

A common warning sign of smartphone or Internet addiction is experiencing withdrawal symptoms when you try to cut back on your smartphone use. These may include:

• Restlessness
• Anger or irritability
• Difficulty concentrating
• Sleep problems
• Craving access to your smartphone or other device.

How common is smart phone and tablets addiction ?

According to a survey performed by Stewart Fox-Mills, more than 13 million British people suffer from nomophobia, about 53% of mobile users (48% women, 58% men) (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-550610/Nomophobia-fear-mobile-phone-contact–plague-24-7-age.html). According to a recent survey carried out by SecurEnvoy, women are more worried about losing their mobile devices (70%) than are men (61%). However, in 2008, the trend was exactly the opposite with men more likely to suffer from this fear (probably because men are 11% more likely to have two mobile phones than women). Youngsters and adolescents are more likely to experience nomophobia; 77% have reported having anxiety and worries about being without their phone, followed by the 25–34-year age group and those over 55 years. Other surveys carried out independently have found similar results, while the Helsinki Institute for Information Technology has found that, on average, people check their phones 34 times a day.

Moreover, many other surveys performed in different countries and cultures – from the USA to India ³⁶⁾, from Europe (Spain ³⁷⁾, Poland ³⁸⁾, and Finland ³⁹⁾, for example) to Japan ⁴⁰⁾ –have confirmed these findings and shown that nomophobia is universally widespread and present. Nomophobia has been described by Indian psychiatrists, who found a threefold increase in psychopathology related to problematic mobile use in the last few years. In addition, different clinical cases have been reported in the USA and in Europe.

Psychological predictors

Finding psychological predictors has great clinical relevance, since this knowledge could be exploited for screening and for both diagnosis and prognosis. Bianchi and Phillips ⁴¹⁾ have found that psychological predictors of problematic mobile use may be: younger age, self-negative views, low esteem and self-efficacy, a dysregulated arousal (such as in high extroversion or in introversion). Impulsivity, a sense of urgency, and sensation seeking could be also related to mobile phone overuse.

Comorbidity

Like other psychiatric diseases, an important issue of nomophobia is comorbidity: some scholars talk about a double diagnosis, since often pathologies tend to cluster together, like anxiety and panic disorder, other forms of phobia (and in particular social phobia or social phobia disorder), obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders, depression and dysthymia, alcohol and drug addiction, as well as other behavioral addiction disorders (including mobile and/or Internet dependence, gambling, online gaming, compulsive shopping, and sexual behaviors) and personality disorders (borderline, antisocial, and avoiding, above all) ⁴²⁾. All these pathologies should also be considered in the differential diagnosis, together with atypical depression and psychosis. In these cases, nomophobia may act as a proxy for a more serious psychiatric disorder.

How to stop being addicted to phone

Since nomophobia is a relatively new concept, there are a limited number of scholarly accepted and empirical treatment methods for it. The proposed treatments primarily consist of a combination of psychotherapy and some pharmacological interventions.

However, cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy has been suggested as an effective treatment for nomophobia, even though randomized trials are currently lacking. Cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy is a brief therapy that includes structured sessions and specific objectives. Its systematic practice is based on explicit goals and tasks; both the patient and the therapist have active roles. The intention is to link catastrophic interpretations of events and to condition the patient’s fears, sensory sensations, and avoidance behaviors. Patients are taught distraction strategies and are strongly encouraged to have face-to-face conversations and relationships. Reducing time spent with a mobile phone, online connections, doing some sport and breathing deeply may all be ways of coping. From a behavioral point of view, patients undergo controlled mobile deprivation.

A “reality approach” is also highly recommended, asking the patient to focus on his/her own behaviors, also using motivational interviewing. Diaries in which participants can record their mobile phone use each day have also been proposed. Psychotherapy can be complemented in the most severe cases by neuropsychopharmacology, and suggested drugs vary from benzodiazepines to antidepressants at the usual dosage ⁴³⁾.

King et al ⁴⁴⁾ successfully treated a patient suffering from nomophobia with tranylcypromine 20 mg/day (gradually increased up to 40 mg/day) plus clonazepam 0.5 mg/day. Later, this therapy was replaced by clonazepam 1 mg/day alone and administered for 2 months.

Treatment for smartphone addiction

Therapy and counseling for smartphone addiction

Therapy can give you a tremendous boost in controlling smartphone and Internet use. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) provides step-by-step ways to stop compulsive behaviors and change your perceptions about your smartphone. Therapy can also help you learn healthier ways of coping with uncomfortable emotions, such as stress, anxiety, or depression.

If your smartphone or Internet use is affecting your partner directly, as with excessive use of Internet pornography or online affairs, marriage counseling can help you work through these challenging issues. Marriage counseling can also help you reconnect with your partner if you have been using virtual worlds for most of your social needs.

How cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) works

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a talking therapy that can help you manage your problems by changing the way you think and behave.

It’s most commonly used to treat anxiety and depression, but can be useful for other mental and physical health problems like gambling addiction.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is based on the concept that your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and actions are interconnected, and that negative thoughts and feelings can trap you in a vicious cycle.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) aims to help you deal with overwhelming problems in a more positive way by breaking them down into smaller parts. You’re shown how to change these negative patterns to improve the way you feel.

Unlike some other talking treatments, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) deals with your current problems, rather than focusing on issues from your past. It looks for practical ways to improve your state of mind on a daily basis.

What happens during CBT sessions

If cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is recommended, you’ll usually have a session with a therapist once a week or once every two weeks. The course of treatment usually lasts for between five and 20 sessions, with each session lasting 30-60 minutes.

During the sessions, you’ll work with your therapist to break down your problems into their separate parts – such as your thoughts, physical feelings and actions.

You and your therapist will analyze these areas to work out if they’re unrealistic or unhelpful and to determine the effect they have on each other and on you. Your therapist will then be able to help you work out how to change unhelpful thoughts and behaviors.

After working out what you can change, your therapist will ask you to practise these changes in your daily life and you’ll discuss how you got on during the next session.

The eventual aim of therapy is to teach you to apply the skills you’ve learnt during treatment to your daily life.

This should help you manage your problems and stop them having a negative impact on your life – even after your course of treatment finishes.

Pros and cons of CBT

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be as effective as medication in treating some mental health problems, but it may not be successful or suitable for everyone.

Some of the advantages of CBT include:

• it may be helpful in cases where medication alone hasn’t worked
• it can be completed in a relatively short period of time compared to other talking therapies
• the highly structured nature of CBT means it can be provided in different formats, including in groups, self-help books and computer programs
• it teaches you useful and practical strategies that can be used in everyday life – even after the treatment has finished

Some of the disadvantages of CBT to consider include:

• you need to commit yourself to the process to get the most from it – a therapist can help and advise you, but they need your co-operation
• attending regular CBT sessions and carrying out any extra work between sessions can take up a lot of your time
• it may not be suitable for people with more complex mental health needs or learning difficulties – as it requires structured sessions
• it involves confronting your emotions and anxieties – you may experience initial periods where you’re anxious or emotionally uncomfortable
• it focuses on the individual’s capacity to change themselves (their thoughts, feelings and behaviors) – which doesn’t address any wider problems in
• systems or families that often have a significant impact on an individual’s health and wellbeing

Some critics also argue that because CBT only addresses current problems and focuses on specific issues, it doesn’t address the possible underlying causes of mental health conditions, such as an unhappy childhood.

Group support for smartphone addiction

Organizations such as Internet & Tech Addiction Anonymous (ITAA) and On-Line Gamers Anonymous offer online support and some face-to-face meetings to curb excessive technology use, as well as tips on starting your own chapter. Of course, online support groups and forums should be used with caution. Although they may be helpful in finding sources of assistance, it’s easy to use them as an excuse to spend even more time on your smartphone or computer. While you need real-life people to benefit fully from any addiction support group, it’s especially important for smartphone or Internet addiction. Sex Addicts Anonymous may be another place to try if you are having trouble with cybersex or compulsive use of sex and dating apps.

For those in need of greater intervention, there are now specialist treatment centers that offer digital detox programs to help you disconnect from digital media. For help finding these, as well as support groups and therapists, see the Resources and References section below.

Helping a child or teen with smartphone addiction

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that kids under age 2 have no screen time, while young children older than 2 should spend no more than 1 to 2 hours a day viewing age-appropriate material. Of course, once kids have their own smartphones, limiting their use becomes that much more difficult. Any parent who’s tried to drag a child or teen away from a smartphone or tablet knows how challenging it can be to separate kids from social media, messaging apps, or online games and videos. Youngsters lack the maturity to curb their smartphone use on their own, but simply confiscating the device can often backfire, creating anxiety and withdrawal symptoms in your child. Instead, there are plenty of other ways to help your child find a healthier balance:

• Be a good role model. Children have a strong impulse to imitate, so it’s important you manage your own smartphone and Internet use. It’s no good asking your child to unplug at the dinner table while you’re staring at your own phone or tablet. Try not to let your own smartphone use distract from parent-child interactions.
• Use apps to monitor and limit your child’s smartphone use. There are a number of apps available that can limit your child’s data usage or restrict his or her texting and web browsing to certain times of the day to enforce technology breaks. Other apps can eliminate messaging capabilities while in motion, so you can prevent your teen using a smartphone while driving.
• Create “phone-free” zones. Restrict the use of smartphones or tablets to a common area of the house where you can keep an eye on your child’s activity and limit time online. Ban phones from the dinner table and bedrooms and insist they’re turned off after a certain time at night.
• Encourage other interests and social activities. Get your child out from behind the phone or computer screen. Expose kids to other hobbies and activities, such as team sports, Scouts, and afterschool clubs. Spend time as a family unplugged.
• Talk to your child about underlying issues. Compulsive smartphone use can be the sign of deeper problems. Is your child having problems fitting in? Has there been a recent major change, like a move or divorce, which is causing stress? Is your child suffering with other issues at school or home?
• Get help. Teenagers often rebel against their parents, but if they hear the same information from a different authority figure, they may be more inclined to listen. Try a sports coach, doctor, or respected family friend. Don’t be afraid to seek professional counseling if you are concerned about your child’s smartphone use.

Self-help tips for smartphone addiction

There are a number of steps you can take to get your smartphone use under control. While you can initiate many of these measures yourself, an addiction is hard to beat on your own, especially when temptation is always within easy reach. It can be all too easy to slip back into old patterns of usage. Look for outside support, whether it’s from family, friends, or a professional therapist.

To help you identify your problem areas, keep a log of when and how much you use your smartphone for non-work or non-essential activities. There are specific apps that can help with this, enabling you to track the time you spend on your phone (see the Resources section below). Are there times of day that you use your phone more? Are there other things you could be doing instead? The more you understand your smartphone use, the easier it will be to curb your habits and regain control of your time.

Recognize the triggers that make you reach for your phone

Is it when you’re lonely or bored? If you are struggling with depression, stress, or anxiety, for example, your excessive smartphone use might be a way to self-soothe rocky moods. Instead, find healthier and more effective ways of managing your moods, such as practicing relaxation techniques or using HelpGuide’s free Emotional Intelligence Toolkit ⁴⁵⁾.

Understand the difference between interacting in-person and online

Human beings are social creatures. We’re not meant to be isolated or to rely on technology for human interaction. The inner ear, face, and heart are wired together in the brain, so socially interacting with another person face-to-face—making eye contact, responding to body language, listening, talking—can make you feel calm, safe, and understood, and quickly put the brakes on stress. Interacting through text, email or messaging may feel important but it bypasses these nonverbal cues so can never have the same effect on your emotional well-being. Besides, online friends can’t hug you when a crisis hits, visit you when you’re sick, or celebrate a happy occasion with you.

Strengthen your support network

Set aside dedicated time each week for friends and family. If you are shy, there are ways to overcome social awkwardness and make lasting friends without relying on social media or the Internet. To find people with similar interests, try reaching out to colleagues at work, joining a sports team or book club, enrolling in an education class, or volunteering for a good cause. You’ll be able to interact with others like you, let relationships develop naturally, and form friendships that will enhance your life and strengthen your health.

Build your coping skills

Perhaps tweeting, texting or blogging is your way of coping with stress or angry feelings. Or maybe you have trouble relating to others, or are excessively shy with people in real life and find it easier to communicate with people online. Building skills in these areas will help you weather the stresses and strains of daily life without relying on your smartphone.

Recognize any underlying problems that may support your compulsive behavior

Have you had problems with alcohol or drugs in the past? Does anything about your smartphone use remind you of how you used to drink or use drugs to numb or distract yourself? Recognize if you need to address treatment in these areas or return to group support meetings.

Modify your smartphone use, step-by-step

For most people, getting control over their smartphone use isn’t a case of quitting cold turkey. Think of it more like going on a diet. Just as you still need to eat, you probably still need to use your phone for work, school or to stay in touch with friends. Your goal should be to cut back to more healthy levels of use.

1. Set goals for when you can use your smartphone. For example, you might schedule use for certain times of day, or you could reward yourself with a certain amount of time on your phone once you’ve completed a homework assignment or finished a chore, for instance.
2. Turn off your phone at certain times of the day, such as when you’re driving, in a meeting, at the gym, having dinner, or playing with your kids.
3. Don’t bring your phone or tablet to bed. The blue light emitted by the screens can disrupt your sleep if used within two hours of bedtime. Turn devices off and leave them in another room overnight to charge. Instead of reading eBooks on your phone or tablet at night, pick up a book. You’ll not only sleep better but research shows you’ll also remember more of what you’ve read.
4. Replace your smartphone use with healthier activities. If you are bored and lonely, resisting the urge to use your smartphone to play games or check social media can be very difficult. Have a plan for other ways to fill the time, such as meditating, reading a book, or chatting with friends face to face.
5. Spending time with other smartphone addicts? Play the “phone stack” game. When you’re having lunch, dinner, or drinks together, have everyone place their smartphones face down on the table. Even as the phones buzz and beep, no one is allowed to grab his or her device. If someone can’t resist checking their phone, that person has to pick up the check for everyone.
6. Remove social media apps from your phone so you can only check Facebook, Twitter and the like from your computer. What you see of others on social media is rarely an accurate reflection of their lives—people exaggerate the positive aspects of their lives, brushing over the doubts and disappointments that we all experience. Spending less time comparing yourself unfavorably to these stylized representations can help to boost your mood and sense of self-worth.
7. Limit checks. If you compulsively check your phone every few minutes, wean yourself off by limiting your checks to once every 15 minutes. Then once every 30 minutes, then once an hour. If you need help, there are apps that can automatically limit when you’re able to access your phone.
8. Curb your fear of missing out. Accept that by limiting your smartphone use, you’re likely going to miss out on certain invitations, breaking news, or new gossip. There is so much information available on the Internet, it’s almost impossible to stay on top of everything, anyway. Accepting this can be liberating and help break your reliance on technology.

Emotional Intelligence Toolkit

Emotional Intelligence is a powerful set of skill that you can learn for keeping your nervous system in its comfort zone and on track so that your mind and body can function optimally, even when you feel threatened.. Emotions can override thoughts, transform relationships, and profoundly influence behavior. Emotional intelligence (EQ) allows you to harness that power to understand yourself, overcome challenges, and build strong relationships. Best of all, emotional intelligence can be learned at any time.

Feeling unsafe, for reasons that have more to do with our perceptions than life-threatening events, is a common experience we face as humans. But your nervous system has a remedy for the fears and insecurities that create stress, depression, and anxiety. If you know how to engage your nervous system and connect to others in ways that are rapidly calming and energizing, you can remain secure, focused, creative, compassionate, and socially engaging. The Emotional Intelligence Toolkit is a progressive five-step, skill-building process that enables you to do this.

How does the toolkit help your nervous system stay on track?

Your nervous system is command central for keeping you safe. It’s like a built-in antenna that is always asking the question, ”Am I safe, or do I feel threatened internally or externally?” When your nervous system is in doubt about your safety, the rest of your body shuts down as you prepare to fight, flee, or freeze. In this defensive state, your body’s ability to preserve and protect you is compromised.

There are two things that you can do to quickly reassure your nervous system and bring it into its comfort zone. The quickest and most efficient thing you can do is to turn to another person for reassurance. If that person’s face conveys safety and reassurance, your nervous system will immediately relax and go back into balance. In order to do this, you must be able to send and receive nonverbal emotional cues.

The other thing that you can do is to connect with positive sensory experiences. The toolkit teaches you both of these core skills.

The Emotional Intelligence Toolkit helps you:

• Change self-defeating moods and attitudes
• Master the skill of quick stress relief
• Boost Emotional Intelligence (EQ) by learning to stay connected to what you feel as well as think
• Follow through on your hopes and dreams

Why Emotional Intelligence Toolkit works

The Emotional Intelligence Toolkit is a progressive five-step process. Although you can access any step at any time, we strongly recommend that you avoid skipping steps, especially if you are feeling stressed.

This program is rooted in social and emotional brain science that engages the emotional brain and heart, as well as the reasoning mind. Its purpose is to teach you how to control troublesome thoughts, manage difficult emotions, have better relationships, and follow through on positive intentions.

Emotional Awareness Shapes Health and Happiness

The ability to recognize, direct, and positively express emotions that we call Emotional Intelligence is a powerful skill. Emotion can override thoughts, transform relationships, and profoundly influence behavior. Emotional intelligence (EQ) allows us to harness that power to understand ourselves, overcome challenges, and build strong relationships. Best of all, emotional intelligence is a skill set that can be learned at any time.

The ability to remain emotionally aware and to keep your nervous system in its comfort zone also ensures that your immune system, and other parts of your body that preserve and repair it, remain online doing their job.

Step 1: Roadblocks to Awareness

Before you begin learning the skills that enable you to override stress and stay healthy and happy, you would be wise to first take a look at things you do that can block your ability to acquire new habits.

Social and emotional well-being depend on your ability to remain aware of your feelings. Many people don’t or can’t do this. To keep your intentions for change on track, let’s begin by identifying thoughts and habits that get in the way of experiencing your emotions.

Emotion hasn’t always been valued. For centuries, feeling was associated with our so-called “animal nature.” Human superiority was linked to an ability to think, and emotion was thought to compromise this ability. A more immediate and personal reason for avoiding emotions is that many people, often early in life, have been intimidated by painful or confusing emotional experiences. Hurtful and frightening memories make them fearful or doubtful about the values of emotions like anger. For example, if you grew up in a home where anger equated with acting-out behavior, you may view all emotions as more painful or dangerous than they really are. Or, you might see emotion as an obstacle, rather than as a resource for positive connection to yourself and others. This effort to avoid feelings absorbs time, attention and energy.

To distract ourselves from painful emotions, we develop diverting, distracting habits. We may drink too much, talk too much, worry or think too much, or spend too much time plugged in for the sake of distraction.

Like it or not, emotional experience plays a huge, and potentially positive, role in your life. By facing and limiting the thoughts and habits that keep you from connecting to your emotions, you prevent these roadblocks from hijacking your attempts to bring your life into balance.

As you learn and practice the core skills contained in this toolkit, you’ll find it easier to set aside distracting thoughts and behaviors. Your roadblocks will have simply lost their purpose. You won’t need them anymore.

Step 2: Master the Skill of Quick Stress Relief

Learn to Use Your Senses to Stay Calm in Stressful Situations

Stress isn’t always bad. Stress within your comfort zone works for you. In manageable doses, stress helps you perform under pressure and motivates you to do your best. But when you feel unsafe, insecure, and overwhelmed, or are constantly running in emergency mode, your mind, body, and relationships pay the price. Stress outside of your comfort zone reduces your ability to think clearly, act appropriately, and shuts down your body’s ability to preserve and repair your health.

What is quick stress relief?

There are countless techniques for dealing with stress. Talking to an understanding friend, exercise, yoga, and meditation, for example, can relieve stress. But it may not be practical (or even possible) to go for a run or meditate when you’re frazzled by your morning commute, stuck in a stressful meeting at work, or fried from another argument with your spouse. For situations like these, you need something more accessible. That’s where quick stress relief comes in.

The best way to reduce stress quickly and reliably is by taking a deep breath and using your senses—what you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch—or soothing movement. By viewing a favorite photo, smelling a specific scent, listening to a favorite piece of music, tasting a piece of gum, or hugging a pet, for example, you can quickly relax and focus yourself.

When you’re stressed, you can use your senses to soothe, comfort, and invigorate yourself quickly—in just a few minutes—and feel in control again. Of course, not everyone responds to each sensory experience in the same way. The key to quick stress relief is to discover the unique sensory experiences that work best for you.

Do you already use quick stress relief? A lot of people do without thinking about it. Maybe you stroke your hair during an argument with your spouse to help you cool down? Or reach for a stick of gum when the traffic grinds to a halt on your commute?
Become a stress-busting detective

Everyone responds to sensory experiences a little differently. What some people find soothing and relaxing may be unpleasant or even stressful to others. For example, certain kinds of music may relax and calm one person but do nothing but irritate someone else. So, in order to master quick stress relief techniques, you need to first become a “stress-busting detective,” and track down the sensory experiences that quickly make you calm and alert.

There is a difference between sensory experiences that are pleasant and sensory experiences that are intense and enjoyable enough to quickly make you feel both calm and alert. In the time it takes you to stroke a small smooth stone that you keep in your pocket, recall a few bars of music that move you, or taste the sensation of biting into a piece of dark chocolate, for example, you should feel your stress begin to ease, your head start to clear, and your sense of control returning. If it takes you six cups of tea and several hours to regain your balance, then try something else. If the effect is too subtle, keep investigating.

Remember:

• If you get heated up or agitated under stress… look for activities that quiet you down.
• If you space out or shut down under stress… look for activities that are energizing.
• If you get stuck or freeze… try to get moving in a mindful way.

Think back to what you did as a child to calm down. If you had a blanket or stuffed toy, for example, you might benefit from tactile stimulation.

Experimenting with your senses

Each time you feel stressed, try a different sensory experience and note how long it takes for your stress levels drop. Remember: you’re looking for something that works almost immediately.

As you experiment, be as precise as possible. What is the most perfect image, the specific kind of sound, or type of movement that affects you the most? For example, if you’re a music lover, listen to many different artists and types of music until you find a phrase or a tune that instantly makes you feel more in control of yourself—just by thinking of it.

Use the examples listed below as a jumping-off point. Give your imagination free reign and come up with additional sensory experiences to try.

Movement

If you tend to shut down when you’re under stress or have experienced trauma, stress-relieving activities that get you moving may be particularly helpful.

• Briefly step outside, walk around the block, savor the sunshine…or the rain.
• Repetitive motions like brushing your hair or knitting can help you relax.
• Bounce or tap your heels.
• Stretch or roll your head in circles.
• Sit on something you can bounce on.

Sight

If you’re a visual person, try to relieve stress by surrounding yourself with soothing and uplifting images. If there’s nothing visual within reach, try closing your eyes, taking a deep breath, and imagining a soothing image.

• Keep a cherished photo on your phone or in your wallet—of your child, pet, a fun night out with friends—or a postcard from a memorable vacation.
• Watch a relaxing desktop screensaver with a soothing uplifting image.
• If you have a pleasant view from your window, spend a few moments gazing outside.
• If movement relaxes you, choose chairs that are movable like a rocking chair.

Sound

Are you a music lover? Or a nature lover? Experiment with the following:

• The right music can lower your blood pressure and help you relax. Keep the music that works for you on your phone, computer, iPod, or play it in the car when traffic has you stressed.
• No music at hand? Trying singing or humming a favorite tune.
• Tune in to a soundtrack of nature, such as crashing waves, wind rustling the trees, birds singing. If the real thing is on your doorstep, even better.
• Buy a small fountain, so you can enjoy the soothing sound of running water in your home or office. When stress hits, close your eyes and take a few minutes to focus on the calming trickle.
• Keep the recorded voice of a loved one on your mobile phone. Just the sound of someone special’s voice can help ease tension.

Vocal toning

Vocal toning can be a speedy way to use your breath and voice to relieve stress—even if you can’t sing or consider yourself “tone-deaf.” Try sitting up straight and simply making “mmmm” sounds with your lips together and teeth slightly apart, listening intently. Experiment by changing the pitch and volume until you experience a pleasant vibration in your face and, eventually, your heart and stomach.

Vocal toning can have two interesting effects. Firstly, it can help reduce the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol, making it an effective means of stress relief. Try sneaking off to a quiet place to spend a few minutes toning before a meeting with your boss and see how much more relaxed and focused you feel.

Secondly, vocal toning exercises the tiny muscles of the inner ear (the smallest in the body). While this might not seem like a big deal, these muscles help you detect the higher frequencies of human speech that impart emotion and tell you what someone is really trying to say. So not only will you feel more relaxed in that meeting with your boss, you’ll also be better able to understand what he’s trying to communicate.

Scent

Scent can be a powerful memory trigger. The smell of freshly cut grass might remind you of your childhood or a particular perfume might remind you of a romantic partner. If the memory is a pleasant, reassuring one, you can use it to help calm or invigorate you.

• Experiment with essential oils. Many people find lavender, tea tree, or orange blossom relaxing. Simply put a few drops in your palm or on a tissue and inhale.
• Light a scented candle or burn some incense.
• Keep plants or fresh flowers in your home or workspace.
• Reach for a fruit basket. Sniffing citrus fruit, such as orange or lemon, can help ease tension.
• Spritz on a favorite perfume or cologne, or one that reminds you of someone special.

Touch

Experiment with your sense of touch, playing with different tactile sensations.

• Try curling your toes.
• Pet a dog or cat, or hug a friend. It can lower your blood pressure and dissolve stress.
• Squeeze a stress ball.
• Squeeze your fingers.
• A piece of ice is handy. Hold it for a second. Cool sensations can help calm your whole body.
• Wear clothing that feels soft or silky against your skin.

Taste

Slowly savoring a favorite treat can be very relaxing, but mindless eating will only add to your stress and your waistline. The key is to indulge your sense of taste mindfully and in moderation. Eat slowly, focusing on the feel of the food in your mouth and the taste on your tongue.

• Chewing a piece of gum can lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
• Indulge in a small piece of dark chocolate.
• Take a bite of a ripe piece of fruit, like a mango or pineapple for a taste of the tropics.
• Swallow a few mouthfuls of your favorite tea or coffee.
• Keep crunchy snacks like celery, carrots, or trail mix nearby.

Make quick stress relief a habit

It’s not easy to remember to use your senses in the middle of a mini—or not so mini—crisis. At first, it will feel easier to just give into pressure and tense up. But with time—and lots of practice—calling upon your senses when you’re stressed will become second nature.

Learning to use your senses to quickly manage stress is a little like learning to drive or play golf. You don’t master the skill in one lesson; you have to practice. Once you have a variety of sensory tools you can depend on, you’ll be able to handle even the toughest of situations. Here are tips to help you make quick stress relief a habit:

• Start small. Instead of testing your quick stress relief tools on a source of major stress, start with a predictable low-level source of stress, like cooking dinner at the end of the day or sitting down to balance your checkbook.
• Identify and target. Think of just one low-level stressor that you know will occur several times a week, such as commuting. Vow to target that particular stressor with quick stress relief every time. After a few weeks, target a second stressor. After a few weeks more, target a third stressor and so on.
• Test-drive sensory input. Experiment with as much sensory input as possible. For example, if you are practicing quick stress relief on your commute to work, bring a scented handkerchief with you one day, try music another day, and then try sucking a mint the next day.
• Don’t force it. If something doesn’t work, move on until you find your best fit.
• Talk about it. Verbalizing your quick stress relief experiments will help you integrate it into your life. It’s bound to start a fascinating conversation—everyone relates to the topic of stress.

Step 3: What You Need for Social Connection

Learn How to Build and Wisely Use Emotional Muscle

Your ability to create nurturing and meaningful connections with others is dependent on your ability to understand and connect with your own emotions. When you can tolerate and constructively manage any emotion—including feelings of sadness, anger, or fear—you are said to be emotionally intelligent. The challenge for many of us is that some emotions can be threatening to the degree that you become overwhelmed by stress. When this happens, you go into a reflexive fight, flight, or freeze mode and lose control of your behavior.

Emotions are messages

You need to understand that your emotions are messages. Though not always messages that you like, your feelings tell you a lot about what matters to you: what you like and dislike, what you care about or fear, what makes you happy and what makes you sad. In this way, your emotions inform your decision-making processes. If you don’t disable or push your emotions away, they can also alert you to the fact that the emotion you’re feeling has more to do with the past and old habits of thought than what is going on in the present. Feelings based on past experiences rather than those in the present can be inappropriate, foolish, or unnecessary. What you do with the messages that these emotions send you is independent of the emotional experience—provided that you remain in your stress comfort zone.

Social connection depends on emotional acceptance

Stress, emotional awareness, and social connection are interrelated

• Emotions that threaten you can trigger overwhelming stress.
• Nurturing social connection can override limiting and inappropriate fight, flight, or freeze responses—keeping stress within your comfort zone.
• The Ride the Wild Horse meditation can help you avoid becoming overwhelmed by the stress of avoiding emotions you fear. In addition, by fostering an emotional connection to yourself through emotional awareness, you’ll enhance your ability to connect to others in nurturing, meaningful, and productive ways.

Ride the Wild Horse: More than a mindfulness meditation

Mindfulness practices that foster relaxation, spirituality, and mind-body connection have been around for centuries. But many people either discontinue their meditation practice or are unable to remain mindful in a world that has grown increasingly complex, confusing, and often threatening for reasons that have more to do with social and emotional issues than truly life-threatening incidents.

The goal of the Ride the Wild Horse meditation is not simply to help you relax and stay focused, but to carry these feelings through into your daily life, even in situations that feel threatening, stressful, or uncomfortable.

The Ride the Wild Horse meditations focus on breathing and progressive muscle relaxation, but also take into consideration barriers to practicing the meditation. When you begin to feel strong emotions, they can become so uncomfortable that they interrupt the meditation process. By integrating quick stress relief into the meditation process, Ride the Wild Horse teaches you how to remain focused and tolerate strong emotions.

Learning to remain mindful under stress also opens the door to positive social connection with others. This, in turn, helps you to reduce stress further, enabling you to be more mindful.

If you fear the outcome of intense emotions, understand that learning to mindfully experience strong feelings like anger can give you the ability to contain your emotions and control your behavior.

Emotional awareness is a skill you can learn now

Emotional awareness is a skill that can be learned at any time of life by practicing the Ride the Wild Horse meditation.

Emotions quickly come and go, if you let them

You may be worried that once you reconnect to the emotions you’ve been avoiding, you’ll be stuck with them forever, but that’s not so. When we don’t obsess about our emotions, even the most painful and difficult feelings subside and lose their power to control our attention. When our feelings are freed, the core emotions of anger, sadness, fear, and joy quickly come and go. Throughout the day, you’ll see, read, or hear something that momentarily triggers a strong feeling of some sort. But if you don’t focus on the feeling, it won’t last, and a different emotion will soon take its place.

Step 4: Learn to Ride the Wild Horse

Ride the Wild Horse: A Meditation for Remaining Mindful Even When Fearful

Your feelings often seem like a wild horse, full of fear and uncontrolled energy. The only way to accept and tame these feelings is to take up the reins and learn how to ride them.

Ride the Wild Horse offers more than a standard mindfulness meditation. It teaches mindfulness practice while taking into account the effect that intense or chronic levels of stress have on our ability to meditate and remain mindful.

Ride the Wild Horse has four levels—each progressively more advanced than the one before. You build on your skills as you practice the meditations, so please start with the “Beginning meditation”, rather than jumping in at a more advanced level.

Setting the stage

Set the stage for learning to ride the wild horse by creating a safe private space—a space that’s pleasant and energizing, where you won’t be disturbed. Carefully select and include sensory props to look at, smell, touch, taste, or feel that instantly make you feel calm.

• Select a chair that supports a straight back, or you can sit in a rocking chair if movement calms and soothes you.
• Take off your shoes and loosen your belt.
• You should remain alert throughout the process, so don’t drink alcohol, smoke, or dull yourself in any way.
• Choose a time of day when you are wide awake. After a big meal or when you are sleepy is not a good time.

If you believe you may be traumatized or “stuck” in habitual rage or panic

A few minutes of vigorous muscle movement that engages your arms and legs will prepare you for greater success with the meditation. Pretend you are a three year old and continually move your arms and legs randomly at the same time for a minute or two—or until you are too exhausted to move. If you have time, running or walking while you focus on the feeling sensations in your arms and legs can also be helpful.

Don’t rush the process

Every time you correctly practice the meditation exercises, you should feel a little more energy and a little more comfortable with your emotional experience.

As feelings become more intense, you can ride the experience by continuing to breathe deeply and relaxing your body. However, if the feelings you experience become overwhelming and you start to feel out of control, switch your focus back to quick stress relief in order to bring your nervous system back into balance before continuing.

Don’t rush the meditative process. You will absorb more if you move slowly. Take time to notice the small changes that add up to life change.

Ride the Wild Horse has four levels

The four versions of the Ride the Wild Horse meditation are each important and each progressively more advanced than the one before. You will build on your skills as you practice the meditations, so please start at the beginning, rather than jumping in at a more advanced level.

Work at your own pace and listen to your instincts. Don’t push yourself too hard, especially if you’ve been traumatized in the past. Some people may take months to work up to the deepest meditation. Keep in mind that you don’t have to complete all four meditations to experience benefits. Every time you practice one of the meditations, you’ll make progress.

Beginning meditation – 16 minutes

Learn how to relax and open yourself up to discovering physical and emotional sensations throughout your body. Move up to the intermediate meditation when you feel alive to the feelings and sensations throughout your body.

Intermediate meditation – 18 minutes

Learn how to identify the physical and emotional sensations in your body that stand out from the rest—that feel stronger or different. Move up to the deeper meditation when you are able to pinpoint and focus on different or unusual sensations and feelings in your body.

Deeper meditation – 24 minutes

Learn how to stay emotionally connected even in situations that make you feel uncomfortable or mildly stressed. Move up to the deepest meditation when you are completely confident of your ability to remain calm and focused in mildly stressful or uncomfortable situations.

Deepest meditation – 30 minutes

Learn how to remain focused, alert, and emotionally aware at all times, even in the most stressful situations. Move on to Step 5 when you’re secure in your ability to remain calm and focused in even the most stressful situations.

Meditation Music – 18 minutes

This original meditation music was composed and performed by Roger Goodman to accompany the Ride the Wild Horse meditations. Roger is a Los Angeles-based musician and song writer.

After each meditation session

At the end of each meditation, it’s important to shift your attention away from an exclusively internal focus on your physical and emotional feelings. Return your attention to your everyday, external concerns such as work, leisure, and relationships.

You may notice that even though you are no longer giving your full attention to your feelings, some awareness of what you are feeling will remain with you, in the background of your consciousness. This means that you are integrating the process into your everyday life, which will give you a greater sense of control over your emotions.

Talk to someone about your experience

It’s important to find a person you can talk to about your experiences with the meditation within 36 hours. What did you learn about yourself? What did you discover about your emotions? Speaking to someone face-to-face will help you retain what you’ve learned.

Frequently asked questions about the meditations

How much time do I need to invest in Ride the Wild Horse?

It takes about 21 to 28 consecutive days to create a new habit, but if you do the process correctly and often, you’ll experience daily benefits. As you want the process to become second nature to you—so you don’t “forget” to apply the skills in times of extreme stress—it may take a little longer. Practice the Ride the Wild Horse meditation until you are comfortable using the skills in the most challenging circumstances.

What should I do if I initially feel something in one part of my body, and a stronger sensation occurs somewhere else?

Always follow the intensity. Focus on the strongest sensation you feel.

What if I don’t feel anything or I just feel empty?

That’s normal. Pay attention to the feeling of having no feeling, or of being numb or empty.

I’m getting emotional during the meditation, is that normal?

Yes. Releasing repressed feelings can be intense. If you cry, tremble, moan, or make other sounds, remember to breathe deeply and hold your focus. It is okay to experience these emotions—as long as you can calm and focus yourself and feel in control of the process.

If after numerous attempts you still feel uncomfortable, consider seeking the support of a trauma specialist.

Do people really have to learn to experience joy?

Some do. There are those for whom any kind of emotional intensity feels intimidating because they fear a loss of control.

Would writing in a journal be similar to talking to someone?

No! Writing engages different parts of the brain than speaking face to face.

Step 5: A Recipe for More Benefits

Live Emotionally Healthier with Less Stress, More Joy, and Better Relationships

It’s important to continue to practice the Ride the Wild Horse meditations until you’re able to stay connected to your physical and emotional feelings and are secure in your ability to remain calm and focused under stress.

Setting yourself up for successful learning

Learning a new set of skills takes effort and is not easy, especially if your energy is being sapped by depression, anxiety, or other challenges. But if you start small with baby steps undertaken at times of the day when you have the most energy, learning a new skill set can be easier than you think. Remember that change is rarely a straightforward process, so cut yourself some slack when you run into obstacles.

These final tips will help you use the skills in real world situations and channel them into your brain.

• Practice, practice, practice. The more you repeat the meditations, the more comfortable you will feel with your emotional experiences and the greater change you’ll experience in your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Like building muscles in the gym, the more you flex emotions, the more “emotional muscle” you will build.
• Set up predictable challenges. Try practicing your new emotional intelligence skills at predictable times of stress, when the stakes are low. For example, tune into your body while doing household chores or commuting through heavy traffic.
• Expect setbacks. Don’t lose hope if you backslide into old habits now and then. It happens. Instead of giving up after a setback, vow to start fresh next time and learn from your mistakes.
• When in doubt, return to your body. If you’re struggling to manage your mood in a tough situation, take a deep breath, and apply quick stress relief.

Until it’s a habit, it may not be there when needed

You integrate a new skill into your brain by practicing it, making it a way of life. Integration only occurs when you stay engaged. Thus, if your intention is to stay emotionally connected to yourself and others, you will want to maintain an ongoing awareness of your emotional experience. This awareness doesn’t have to occupy all your conscious attention but it does have to be something you are aware of. With regular practice, you can actually change your brain in ways that will make you feel more confident, resilient, and in control.

Communicating your new learning experiences face-to-face

Remember, an important part of the Ride the Wild Horse experience is communicating face-to-face after the meditation with someone who takes an interest in what you have to say. This kind of face-to-face communication helps you to remember and act on what you’ve just learned. An interested person willing to take a few minutes to listen attentively to you on a regular basis could be a family member, friend, or colleague.

Unexpected rewards

With stress and emotion in check, you’ll be aware of nonverbal signals that inform and empower successful communication and connection to others. As you develop the capacity to recognize and understand your own emotions, you’ll automatically find it easier to recognize what other people are experiencing emotionally. You’ll be able to speak with greater intensity and listen with greater accuracy. You will also be able to tell when people say one thing but mean another, and it will become easier to understand why people react to you as they do.

Further, as you bring stress into balance and learn to tolerate emotions you don’t like, you’ll discover that your capacity for experiencing positive emotions has grown and intensified. You will find it easier to play, laugh, and experience positive emotions like joy. Life will get lighter and brighter.

Even when life is unpleasant or difficult, you’ll find that conflict with others is less threatening. Once you know how to remain emotionally present and manage stress, you can avoid overreacting in emotionally charged situations. Even when painful memories surface, the ability to manage stress and take emotions in stride will help you separate the past from the present. Believe it or not, resolving conflict can improve a relationship and strengthen the bond between two people. When you manage conflict in a healthy, positive way, you can create a deep level of trust and help your personal and professional relationships to flourish.

Now It’s up to you !

Unimagined possibilities for reinventing ourselves are at hand. Because of new brain technologies and discoveries, the ability of the brain to renew itself gives us opportunity to repair the past and improve our lives.

Breakthrough knowledge also reveals the critical role self-regulation plays in the development of mental health and emotional intelligence. We see that self-regulation is dependent on learning a non-verbal, emotionally driven set of skills acquired through experience. The toolkit I’ve been describing to you provides this kind of learning.

Emotional health and emotional intelligence won’t come as easily as swallowing a pill. Permanently changing the way you react to stressful experiences takes practice, patience, and commitment. But learning to regulate stress and emotion is within your reach. As you begin practicing the skills in this toolkit, expect setbacks. For a while, new abilities will compete with old habits for your time and attention. Don’t be discouraged. If you persevere, your feelings, thoughts, and behavior will change for the better.

By learning to keep your stress and nervous system in balance, you harness the wisdom and protection of your emotions. Gaining emotional balance will bring you a greater capacity for joy, understanding, creativity, and resiliency. The rewards will impact every part of your life: home, your job, relationships. And as you become calmer, more focused and emotionally aware, you’ll thrive, growing smarter, healthier, and happier.

Remember, it’s never too late to learn the skills that enable you to be emotionally self-aware and emotionally intelligent. Others can help; we need them to encourage and support our learning. But others, including the most skilled and caring, can do only so much. The rest is up to you.