How to deal with divorce as a man or a woman

Divorce and separation are among the toughest life experiences people can face. Men and women report a huge range of intense reactions and feelings during and after separation. When couples separate, family violence may be an issue. Professional help and advice is recommended.

Some people have said that divorce and separation is “worse than if a partner dies – they are always there in your face reminding you of a failure”.

Here are just a few emotional feelings:

• Frustration
• Powerlessness
• Anger
• Desperation
• Denial
• Loneliness
• Sadness
• Bewilderment
• Hurt
• Relief
• Isolation

Men report a range of intense experiences during a divorce. Those listed below have been reported by men at various stages of separating. They are samples from a very long list:

• frustration, powerlessness and anger
• relief that differences are out in the open
• dizziness, with thoughts spinning in circles
• desperation, ready to drop off the planet
• determination to stand ground and battle to the bitter end
• awareness of some hard choices having to be made
• loneliness and sadness
• shock, bewilderment and hurt.

These strong emotional feelings are all perfectly normal. It’s likely you have other feelings you could add to the list. The good news is most men and women face these intense feelings and survive. Even better, they mostly go on to live fulfilling and happy lives.

These feelings can lead to difficulties such as loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, and withdrawal from social networks, family or work commitments. While painful and distressing, such responses are normal and with time these will lessen. A new ‘normal’ will settle in, where it will be possible to continue on living a fulfilling and happy life.

Most people separating will feel angry, and anger can be useful if it is used positively. How you respond is your responsibility; if you respond normally with
anger which is designed to hurt or frighten others, this won’t give you what you want. It may be useful to talk with someone who can help – like a counselor. In the long run, it is far better to behave in respectful ways towards your ex-partner, even if you feel you are the aggrieved party. When you change angry, destructive behavior and avoid having your “angry buttons” pressed, you’re in control of you, and this can have a calming effect on everyone, including – and especially – your children.

For others, divorce is an enormous relief, and the peace of mind that follows can hardly be described.

Whether you fall into the former or the latter category, or somewhere in between, you need to cope with the event in the best way possible.

Separation and divorce are always painful, and it takes quite a time for people to heal. Give yourself at least 18 months, but don’t be surprised if it takes longer. And if you are a parent, it is important that you take care of yourself at this time so that you are able to be there for your children when they need you. There are a number of things you can do to help yourself through this tough time.

If you think you are not behaving in a reasonable, rational way, check it out with someone who will give you an honest appraisal. (Don’t use your best friend, who will tell you what s/he thinks you’ll want to hear!)

Don’t get stuck – Unsticking yourself is a must!

You always know when you’re stuck because you will feel:

• out of control
• helpless
• hopeless

and you will find yourself blaming the other person for your predicament.

When this happens, you have given control of your life to someone else. So, begin to think about how you can take control of YOU.

It’s not wise to try to make someone else do what you want – so, what are your options?

• Make a list – then talk about these with a friend, look at the consequences should you follow through with each one, and finally make a decision.
• Make sure they are decisions which will be helping you in the long run. Choosing well will help you to rebuild your life and feel confident, motivated and
  more positive.

Sleeping can be difficult for some people, too; this is a normal part of the process of separating, but if it becomes a problem and you can’t manage your daily life, see your doctor or healthcare professional.

Don’t forget to eat properly. If you aren’t much of a cook, eat fruit and vegetables, which don’t need cooking.

Talk. Talk to friends and family. Don’t use the children as a support or sounding board. As their parent, you have to be there to support them, not have them
support you. Find support from others, socialize, even when it’s difficult. This is an important way of working through the grief.

Find other ways to help yourself – listen to music, go for walks, take long baths, have fun with your children.

Making healthy choices: Eat well, sleep well, and exercise

When you’re going through the stress of a divorce or breakup, healthy habits easily fall by the wayside. You might find yourself not eating at all or overeating your favorite junk foods. Exercise might be harder to fit in because of the added pressures at home and sleep might be elusive. But all of the work you are doing to move forward in a positive way will be pointless if you don’t make long-term healthy lifestyle choices.

See friends often

It may be tempting to hole up and avoid seeing friends and family who will inevitably ask about the divorce—but the reality is that face-to-face support from others is vital for relieving the stress of a breakup and getting you through this difficult time. If you don’t want to talk about your breakup, just ask friends to avoid the topic; they’ll understand.

Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce. You might feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only make this time more difficult. Don’t try to get through this on your own.

Connect face-to-face with trusted friends and family members. People who have been through painful breakups or divorces can be especially helpful. They know what it is like and they can assure you that there is hope for healing and new relationships. Frequent face-to-face contact is also a great way to relieve the stress of a breakup and regain balance in your life.

Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who to reach out to, choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are positive and who truly listen to you. It’s important that you feel free to be honest about what you’re going through, without worrying about being judged, criticized, or told what to do.

Get outside help if you need it. If reaching out to others doesn’t come naturally, consider seeing a counselor or joining a support group. The most important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable opening up.

Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in community activities, or volunteer at a school, place of worship, or other community organization.

Keep a journal

Writing down your feelings, thoughts, and moods can help you release tension, sadness, anger and can also help you work out what might be troubling you and ways you can improve the situation. Don’t worry too much about what you write; just write down whatever comes to mind. Keep your journal handy so that you can look back at what you’ve written. As time passes, you can look back on just how far you’ve come.

Use the letter below and fill in the blanks. Pick from the options listed or use your own words.

Dear _________,

For the past (day/week/month/year/__________), I have been feeling (unlike myself/sad/angry/anxious/ moody/agitated/lonely/hopeless/fearful/overwhelmed/ distracted/confused/stressed/empty/restless/unable to function or get out of bed/__________).

I have struggled with (changes in appetite/changes in weight/loss of interest in things I used to enjoy/ hearing things that were not there/seeing things that were not there/ feeling unsure if things are real or not real/ my brain playing tricks on me/ lack of energy/increased energy/ inability to concentrate/alcohol or drug use or abuse/self-harm/skipping meals/overeating/overwhelming focus on weight or appearance/feeling worthless/ uncontrollable thoughts/guilt/paranoia/nightmares/ bullying/not sleeping enough/ sleeping too much/risky sexual behavior/overwhelming sadness/losing friends/unhealthy friendships/unexplained anger or rage/isolation/ feeling detached from my body/feeling out of control/ thoughts of self-harm/cutting/thoughts of suicide/plans of suicide/abuse/sexual assault/death of a loved one/__________).

Telling you this makes me feel (nervous/anxious/hopeful/embarrassed/ empowered/pro-active/mature/self-conscious/guilty/__________), but I’m telling you this because (I’m worried about myself/it is impacting my schoolwork/it is impacting my friendships/I am afraid/I don’t want to feel like this/I don’t know what to do/I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this/I trust you/__________).

I would like to (talk to a doctor or therapist/talk to a guidance counselor/talk to my teachers/talk about this later/create a plan to get better/talk about this more/find a support group/__________) and I need your help.

Sincerely,
(Your name__________)

Seek support

At the very least, divorce is complicated and stressful—and can be devastating without support.

Lean on friends. Talk face-to-face with friends or a support group about any difficult emotions you’re feeling—such as bitterness, anger, frustration—so you don’t take it out on your kids. If you’ve neglected your social circle while being married and don’t feel you have anyone to confide in, it’s never too late to build new friendships.

Never vent negative feelings to your child. Whatever you do, do not use your child to talk it out like you would with a friend.

Keep laughing. Try to inject humor and play into your life and the lives of your children as much as you can; it can relieve stress and give you all a break from sadness and anger.

See a therapist. If you are feeling intense anger, fear, grief, shame, or guilt, find a professional to help you work through those feelings.

How therapy and counseling can help you recover from a breakup

Talking about your thoughts and feelings with a supportive person can make you feel better. It can be very healing, in and of itself, to voice your worries or talk about something that’s weighing on your mind. And it feels good to be listened to—to know that someone else cares about you and wants to help.

It can be very helpful to talk about your problems to close friends and family members. But sometimes, we need help that the people around us aren’t able to provide. When you need extra support, an outside perspective, or some expert guidance, talking to a therapist or counselor can help. While the support of friends and family is important, therapy is different. Therapists are professionally-trained listeners who can help you get to the root of your problems, overcome emotional challenges, and make positive changes in your life.

You don’t have to be diagnosed with a mental health problem to benefit from therapy. Many people in therapy seek help for everyday concerns: relationship problems, job stress, or self-doubt, for example. Others turn to therapy during difficult times, such as a divorce.

Why use therapy to deal with a breakup and not medication?

The thought of being able to solve your problems by taking a pill each day can sound appealing. If only it was that easy! Mental and emotional problems have multiple causes, and medication is not a one-stop cure.

Medication may help ease certain symptoms, but it comes with side effects. Furthermore, it cannot solve the “big picture” problems. Medication won’t fix your relationships, help you figure out what to do with your life, or give you insight into why you continue to make unhealthy choices.

Therapy can be time consuming and challenging, as uncomfortable emotions and thoughts often arise as part of the treatment process. However, therapy provides long-lasting benefits beyond symptom relief. Therapy gives you the tools for transforming your life—for relating better to others, building the life you want for yourself, and coping with whatever curve balls are thrown your way.

Myths about therapy

• MYTH: I don’t need a therapist. I’m smart enough to solve my own problems.
• FACT: We all have our blind spots. Intelligence has nothing to do with it. A good therapist doesn’t tell you what to do or how to live your life. He or she will give you an experienced outside perspective and help you gain insight into yourself so you can make better choices.

MYTH: Therapy is for crazy people.

FACT: Therapy is for people who have enough self-awareness to realize they need a helping hand, and want to learn tools and techniques to become more self-confident and emotionally balanced.

• MYTH: All therapists want to talk about is my parents.
• FACT: While exploring family relationships can sometimes clarify thoughts and behaviors later in life, that is not the sole focus of therapy. The primary focus is what you need to change—unhealthy patterns and symptoms in your life. Therapy is not about blaming your parents or dwelling on the past.

MYTH: Therapy is self-indulgent. It’s for whiners and complainers.

FACT: Therapy is hard work. Complaining won’t get you very far. Improvement in therapy comes from taking a hard look at yourself and your life, and taking responsibility for your own actions. Your therapist will help you, but ultimately you’re the one who must do the work.

Finding the right therapist for you

Finding the right therapist will probably take some time and work, but it’s worth the effort. The connection you have with your therapist is essential. You need someone who you can trust—someone you feel comfortable talking to about difficult subjects and intimate secrets, someone who will be a partner in your recovery. Therapy won’t be effective unless you have this bond, so take some time at the beginning to find the right person. It’s okay to shop around and ask questions when interviewing potential therapists.

Experience matters. One of the main reasons for seeing a therapist, rather than simply talking to a friend, is experience. Look for a therapist who is experienced in treating the problems that you have. Often, therapists have special areas of focus, such as depression or eating disorders. Experienced therapists have seen the problems you’re facing again and again, which broadens their view and gives them more insight. And for some problems, such as trauma or PTSD, seeing a specialist is absolutely essential.

Learn about different treatment orientations. Many therapists practice a blend of orientations. However, it’s a good idea to learn about the different treatment types, because that can affect your therapist’s way of relating and the suggested length of treatment.

Check licensing. Credentials aren’t everything, but if you’re paying for a licensed professional, make sure the therapist holds a current license and is in good standing with the state regulatory board. Regulatory boards vary by state and profession. Also check for complaints against the therapist.

Trust your gut. Even if your therapist looks great on paper, if the connection doesn’t feel right—if you don’t trust the person or feel like they truly care—go with another choice. A good therapist will respect this choice and should never pressure you or make you feel guilty.

Finding a therapist in the U.S.

• American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) provides information about Marriage and Family Therapists (https://www.aamft.org/), as well as a Therapist Locator national database of qualified therapists.
• American Psychological Association (APA) provides a Psychologist Locator (https://locator.apa.org/) to find a psychologist in your area.
• American Psychoanalytic Association (APsaA) provides a member directory (http://www.apsa.org/find-an-analyst) for finding an analyst, by city and state.

Finding a therapist in other countries

• In the UK, Relate (https://www.relate.org.uk/find-your-nearest-relate) offers relationship and family counseling; or you can Find NHS Psychological Therapy Services in your local area (https://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search).
• In Australia, Lifeline’s Service Finder (https://www.lifeline.org.au/) offers a directory of low-cost mental health services; or you can Find an Australian Psychological Society Psychologist (https://www.psychology.org.au/Find-a-Psychologist) or Find a Mental Health Practitioner (https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/find-a-professional).
• In Canada, Search for a Psychologist (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists) or Search for a Marriage or Family Therapist by clicking on “Search Canada” (https://www.therapistlocator.net/Default.aspx).

Questions to ask yourself when choosing a therapist

What’s most important in a therapist or counselor is a sense of connection, safety, and support. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Does it seem like the therapist truly cares about you and your problems?
• Do you feel as if the therapist understands you?
• Does the therapist accept you for who you are?
• Would you feel comfortable revealing personal information to this individual?
• Do you feel as if you can be honest and open with this therapist? That you don’t have to hide or pretend you’re someone that you’re not?
• Is the therapist a good listener? Does he or she listen without interrupting, criticizing, or judging? Pick up on your feelings and what you’re really saying?
• Make you feel heard?

Types of therapy and therapists

There are so many types of therapies and therapists; it might feel a little overwhelming to get started. Just remember that no one type of therapy is best; it all depends on your individual preferences and needs.

It is true that certain techniques are more useful than others in dealing with specific types of problems (phobias, for example). But in general, research about the “best” type of therapy always reaches the same conclusion:

• the philosophy behind the therapy is much less important than the relationship between you and your therapist.

If you feel comfortable and trusting in that relationship, the model of therapy, like your car, is just the vehicle that will help you move forward to a more fulfilling life. This will happen regardless of the circumstances that brought you to therapy.

Common types of therapy

Most therapists don’t limit themselves to one specific type of therapy; rather, they blend different styles in order to best fit the situation at hand. This approach gives the therapist many powerful tools. However, they often have a general orientation that guides them.

Individual therapy. Individual therapy explores negative thoughts and feelings, as well as the harmful or self-destructive behaviors that might accompany them. Individual therapy may delve into the underlying causes of current problems (such as unhealthy relationship patterns or a traumatic experience from your past), but the primary focus is on making positive changes in the present.

Family therapy. Family therapy involves treating more than one member of the family at the same time to help the family resolve conflicts and improve interaction. It is often based on the premise that families are a system. If one role in the family changes, all are affected and need to change their behaviors as well.

Group therapy. Group therapy is facilitated by a professional therapist, and involves a group of peers working on the same problem, such as anxiety, depression or substance abuse, for example. Group therapy can be a valuable place to practice social dynamics in a safe environment and find inspiration and ideas from peers who are struggling with the same issues.

Couples therapy (marriage counseling). Couples therapy involves the two people in a committed relationship. People go to couples therapy to learn how to work through their differences, communicate better and problem-solve challenges in the relationship.

Types of therapists and counselors

The following types of mental health professionals have advanced training in therapy and are certified by their respective boards. Many professional organizations provide online searches for qualified professionals. You may also want to double check with your state regulatory board to make sure the therapist’s license is up to date and there are no ethical violations listed.

However, keep in mind that lay counselors—members of the clergy, life coaches, etc.—may also be able to provide you with a supportive, listening ear. It’s not always the credentials that determine the quality of the therapy.

Common types of mental health professionals:

• Psychologist — Psychologists have a doctoral degree in psychology (Ph.D. or Psy.D.) and are licensed in clinical psychology.
• Social worker — Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW) have a Master’s degree in social work (MSW) along with additional clinical training.
• Marriage and family therapist — Marriage and Family Therapists (MFT) have a Master’s degree and clinical experience in marriage and family therapy.
• Psychiatrist — A psychiatrist is a physician (M.D. or D.O.) who specialized in mental health. Because they are medical doctors, psychiatrists can prescribe medication.

What to expect in therapy or counseling

Every therapist is different, but there are usually some similarities in how therapy is structured. Normally, sessions will last about an hour, and take place around once a week. Although for more intensive therapy, they may be scheduled more often. Therapy is normally conducted in the therapist’s office, but therapists also work in hospitals and nursing homes, and in some cases will conduct home visits.

Expect a good fit between you and your therapist. Don’t settle for bad fit. You may need to see one or more therapists until you feel understood and accepted.

Therapy is a partnership. Both you and your therapist contribute to the healing process. You’re not expected to do the work of recovery all by yourself, but your therapist can’t do it for you either. Therapy should feel like a collaboration.

Therapy will not always feel pleasant. Painful memories, frustrations or feelings might surface. This is a normal part of therapy and your therapist will guide you through this process. Be sure to communicate with your therapist about how you are feeling.

Therapy should be a safe place. While at times you’ll feel challenged or face unpleasant feelings, you should always feel safe. If you’re starting to feel overwhelmed or you’re dreading your therapy sessions, talk to your therapist.

Your first therapy sessions

The first session or two of therapy is a time for mutual connection, and a time for the therapist to learn about you and your issues. The therapist may ask for a mental and physical health history.

It’s also a good idea to talk to the therapist about what you hope to achieve in therapy. Together, you can set goals and benchmarks that you can use to measure your progress along the way.

This is also an important time for you to evaluate your connection with your therapist. Do you feel like your therapist cares about your situation, and is invested in your recovery? Do you feel comfortable asking questions and sharing sensitive information? Remember, your feelings as well as your thoughts are important, so if you are feeling uncomfortable, don’t hesitate to consider another therapist.

How long does therapy last?

Everyone’s treatment is different. How long your therapy lasts depends on many factors. You may have complicated issues, or a relatively straightforward problem that you want to address. Some therapy treatment types are short term, while others may last longer. Practically, your insurance coverage might limit you.

However, discussing the length of therapy is important to bring up with your therapist at the beginning. This will give you an idea of goals to work towards and what you want to accomplish. Don’t be afraid to revisit this issue at any time as therapy progresses, since goals often are modified or changed during treatment.

Making the most of therapy and counseling

To make the most of therapy, you need to apply what you’re learning in your sessions to real life. Fifty minutes in therapy each week isn’t going to fix you; it’s how you use what you’ve learned in the rest of your time. Here are some tips for getting the most out of your sessions:

Make healthy lifestyle changes. There are many things you can do in your daily life to support your mood and improve your emotional health. Reach out to others for support. Get plenty of exercise and sleep. Eat well. Make time for relaxation and play. The list goes on…

Don’t expect the therapist to tell you what to do. You and your therapists are partners in your recovery. Your therapist can help guide you and make suggestions for treatment, but only you can make the changes you need to move forward.

Make a commitment to your treatment. Don’t skip sessions unless you absolutely have to. If your therapist gives you homework in between sessions, be sure to do it. If you find yourself skipping sessions or are reluctant to go, ask yourself why. Are you avoiding painful discussion? Did your last session touch a nerve? Talk about your reluctance with your therapist.

Share what you are feeling. You will get the most out of therapy if you are open and honest with your therapist about your feelings. If you feel embarrassed or ashamed, or something is too painful to talk about, don’t be afraid to tell your therapist. Slowly, you can work together to get at the issues.

Is therapy working?

You should be able to tell within a session or two whether you and your therapist are a good fit. But sometimes, you may like your therapist but feel that you aren’t making progress. It’s important to evaluate your progress to make sure you’re getting what you need from therapy.

A word of caution: There is no smooth, fast road to recovery. It’s a process that’s full of twists, turns, and the occasional backtrack. Sometimes, what originally seemed like a straightforward problem turns into a more complicated issue. Be patient and don’t get discouraged over temporary setbacks. It’s not easy to break old, entrenched patterns.

Remember that growth is difficult, and you won’t be a new person overnight. But you should notice positive changes in your life. Your overall mood might be improving, for example. You may feel more connected to family and friends. Or a crisis that might have overwhelmed you in the past doesn’t throw you as much this time.

Tips for evaluating your progress in therapy

• Is your life changing for the better? Look at different parts of your life: work, home, your social life.
• Are you meeting the goals you and your therapist have set?
• Is therapy challenging you? Is it stretching you beyond your comfort zone?
• Do you feel like you’re starting to understand yourself better?
• Do you feel more confident and empowered?
• Are your relationships improving?

Your therapist should work with you, reevaluating your goals and progress as necessary. However, remember that therapy isn’t a competition. You are not a failure if you don’t meet your goals in the number of sessions that you originally planned. Focus instead on overall progress and what you’ve learned along the way.

When to stop therapy or counseling

When to stop therapy depends on you and your individual situation. Ideally, you will stop therapy when you and your therapist have decided that you have met your goals. However, you may feel at some point that you have gotten what you need out of therapy, even if your therapist feels differently.

Leaving therapy can be difficult. Remember that the therapeutic relationship is a strong bond, and ending this relationship is a loss – even if treatment has been successful. Talk about this with your therapist. These feelings are normal. It’s not uncommon for people to go back briefly to a therapist from time to time as needs arise.

As long as you continue to progress in therapy, it’s an option

Some people continue to go to therapy on an ongoing basis. That’s okay, especially if you don’t have other people to turn to for support in your life. Ideally, your therapist will be able to help you develop outside sources of support, but that’s not always possible. If therapy meets an important need in your life and the expense is not an issue, continuing indefinitely is a legitimate choice.

Signs that you may need to change therapists

• You don’t feel comfortable talking about something.
• Your therapist is dismissive of your problems or concerns.
• Your therapist seems to have a personal agenda.
• Your therapist does more talking than listening.
• Your therapist tells you what to do and how to live your life.

Paying for therapy and counseling

In the U.S., for example, many insurance companies provide limited coverage for psychotherapy—often as few as 6-12 sessions. Read through your plan carefully to see what benefits you have. Some types of mental health professionals might not be covered. You may need a referral through your primary care physician.

Also keep in mind that some therapists do not accept insurance, only payment directly from the patient. Sometimes these therapists will accept sliding scale payments, where you pay what you can afford for each session. Don’t be afraid to ask what arrangements can be made if you feel that the therapist could be a good fit for you.

In other countries, insurance and eligibility requirements vary. See Resources & References below for links on finding therapy in your country.

Affordable therapy and counseling options

Take a look around your community for service agencies or organizations that may offer psychotherapy at discounted rates. Senior centers, family service agencies, and mental health clinics are good places to start. Many offer affordable options, including sliding payment scales.

Agencies that involve interns in training also can be an option for quality therapy. An intern may be a good choice for you if the intern is enthusiastic, empathetic, and has quality supervisory training. However, an intern’s time at the agency is limited, so when the training is finished, you either need to stop the therapy or find another therapist.

Another possible way to obtain affordable therapy is to try bartering with a therapist or mental health clinic. A few clinics and health centers across the U.S. already encourage bartering services, swapping health care for carpentry, plumbing, or hairdressing services, for example. If you have a useful skill or are willing to volunteer your time, it may be worth trying to strike a deal.

Adjusting to the divorce

Divorce or separation is rarely easy. You will find yourself experiencing the highs and lows that come with all grief and loss. You will revisit memories and feelings you thought you’d left behind. The emotional and mental impact may test your strength and your capacity to look after yourself. Often, the last thing men want to do is seek support of any kind.

Some men and/or women try to deny that the break-up has happened. Others feel ashamed that they are not coping very well. It is important to ask for help if you’re not coping or feel you need it. You’re likely to be surprised at how willing people are to offer support.

For support you could talk to:

• Friends
• Family
• Work colleagues
• Your family doctor
• Counseling services
• Men’s or women’s divorce groups.

Find a Divorce Care group meeting near you: There are thousands of Divorce Care groups meeting weekly at locations around the world. There’s probably one near you! The Divorce Care program is designed so that you can join the group at any time. You will be welcomed and encouraged. Please go here for more (https://www.divorcecare.org/findagroup)

It is particularly important to speak to a professional if you are struggling to maintain your normal routine, unable to get out of bed, or have thoughts of harming yourself.

Ways to get life back on track:

• Maintain regular routines with eating and sleeping
• Maintain a balance between activities and time to think
• Take the time to reflect on where you are now and what you have
• Stay in touch with family and friends
• Exercise regularly
• Avoid using alcohol and other drugs (including cigarettes) excessively
• Don’t be too hard on yourself
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Learning important lessons from a divorce or separation

It can be difficult to see it when you’re going through a painful divorce, but in times of emotional crisis, there are opportunities to grow and learn. You may be feeling nothing but emptiness and sadness in your life right now, but that doesn’t mean that things will never change. Try to consider this period in your life a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger and wiser.

In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledge the part you played. The more you understand how the choices you made affected the relationship, the better you’ll be able to learn from your mistakes—and avoid repeating them in the future.

Some questions to ask yourself:

1. Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?
2. Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?
3. Think about how you react to stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?
4. Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be.
5. Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?

You’ll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the reasons why you chose your former partner, you’ll be able to see where you went wrong and make better choices next time.

Single parent families

Single parent families are becoming more common and don’t carry the stigma they once did. You can become a single parent through separation, divorce, the death of a partner or for other reasons. Both men and women can be single parents.

Following separation or divorce, it is often the mother who is the resident parent, with children spending time with both parents separately. Children need to adjust to not having both parents around all the time. Some children have to adjust to a new house, school or other changes. If a parent has formed a new relationship, there may be new adults or other children to get used to (see Blended families).

Some children have lived with a single parent their whole lives and may not have to deal with the changes that children from two-parent families can face.

Challenges and benefits for simgle parents

Challenges for single parents can be:

• managing things without someone to share the load. It could feel even harder if you are parenting a child with special needs
• working out living and parenting arrangements, especially if there is conflict with the other parent
• dealing with money pressures.

Benefits for single parents can be:

• feeling happy or relieved to be on your own, particularly if there has been conflict
• enjoying the freedom to make more of your own choices
• spending more time with your children and building a closer bond.

Why are breakups so painful?

Even when a relationship is no longer good, a divorce or breakup can be extremely painful because it represents the loss, not just of the partnership, but also of your identity, dreams and the commitments you shared. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hopes for the future. When a relationship fails, everyone regardless of age or sex will experience the profound disappointment, stress, and grief.

A breakup or divorce launches you into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup also brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns can often seem worse than being in an unhappy relationship.

This pain, disruption, and uncertainty means that recovering from a breakup or divorce can be difficult and take time. However, it’s important to keep reminding yourself that you can and will get through this difficult experience and move on with your life as a stronger and wiser person.

Why you cannot trust your mind when you have a breakup

To stop hurting, you need to accept the reality of the breakup and make efforts to move on. You need to reduce the amount of time you spend thinking about the person who broke your heart. you need to diminish their presence in your thoughts and your lives, slowly but surely.

Your mind wants to do the opposite. Your mind wants you to think about the person all the time, to hold on to the pain and never forget who and what caused it. Your mind wants this, because it is trying to “protect” you in the manner in which it typically does. If something causes you pain, like a hot stove, your mind’s job is to remind you not to touch that hot stove again, to make sure you remember how painful it was the first time. The more painful the experience, the more your mind will labor to make sure you don’t forget it, so you never make that “mistake” again. Given how excruciating heartbreak is, your mind will do everything it can to keep that pain fresh in your thoughts. As a result, your mind will trick you into thinking that:

1. Your ex was the best, the one, the only one.
   • Your mind will try to remind you of your ex’s best qualities. Images of them at their best will pop into your head unbidden. However, this unbalanced, unrealistic, and idealized portrayal of the person who broke your heart will only make the pain you feel worse.
2. The relationship made you happy all the time.
   • No, it didn’t; no relationship does. There are plenty of frustrating, annoying, or hurtful moments, and you should recall those as well.
3. If you just text them or contact them, you will feel better.
   • The urge to text, message, call, or email will be very strong. But doing those things will only make you feel more desperate and needy, and hurt your self-esteem.
4. Talking about the breakup with all your friends will ease your pain.
   • No, it won’t. Talking about emotionally painful events is natural and even useful, if you do it in a problem-solving way, or if you do it to get emotional validation. But just going over the same details again and again will only make you feel worse.
5. You have to know exactly why the breakup occurred.
   • Having a clear understanding of why a breakup occurred is actually useful. However, few of you ever get a clear and honest explanation for such things. Trying to get into your ex’s head to understand why things didn’t work out is a rabbit hole. Better to settle on “they weren’t in love enough” or “we were not the right match.”

How to survive a divorce

Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process.

Talk about how you’re feeling – Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Writing in a journal can also be a helpful outlet for your feelings.

Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.

Remind yourself that you still have a future – When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams for a life together. After a breakup, it’s hard to let these aspirations go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.

Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression – Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don’t feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from depression.

Learn to quickly relieve stress

Being able to manage and relieve stress is the key to staying balanced, focused, and in control, no matter what challenges you face in life. As well as helping you cope with day-to-day stressors, employing quick stress relief techniques will also help you bring your nervous system into balance when practicing the meditation part.

There are countless techniques for dealing with stress. Talking face-to-face with an understanding friend, exercise, yoga, and meditation, for example, are all great ways to ease stress and anxiety. But it may not be practical (or even possible) to go for a run or meditate when you’re frazzled by your morning commute, stuck in a stressful meeting at work, or fried from another argument with your spouse. For situations like these, you need something more accessible. That’s where quick stress relief comes in.

Quick Stress Relief

The best way to reduce stress quickly is by taking a deep breath and using your senses—what you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch—or through a soothing movement. By viewing a favorite photo, smelling a specific scent, listening to a favorite piece of music, tasting a piece of gum, or hugging a pet, for example, you can quickly relax and focus yourself. Of course, not everyone responds to each sensory experience in the same way. The key to quick stress relief is to experiment and discover the unique sensory experiences that work best for you.

Build emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to identify, understand, and use your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress and anxiety, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges, and defuse conflict. When it comes to happiness and success in your relationships, career, and personal goals, emotional intelligence (EQ) matters just as much as the better known, intelligence quotient (IQ).

Emotional intelligence is commonly defined by four attributes:

1. Self-management – You’re able to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.
2. Self-awareness – You recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior. You know your strengths and weaknesses, and have self-confidence.
3. Social awareness – You can understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people, pick up on emotional cues, feel comfortable socially, and recognize the power dynamics in a group or organization.
4. Relationship management – You’re able to develop and maintain good relationships, communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in a team, and manage conflict.

Many of us are disconnected from our emotions—especially strong emotions such as anger, sadness, fear—because we’ve been taught to try to shut off our feelings. But while you can deny or numb your feelings, you can’t eliminate them. They’re still there, whether you’re aware of them or not. And even unpleasant emotions can have beneficial aspects. Sadness can support emotional healing, for example, fear can trigger life-saving action, and anger can mobilize and inspire. Unfortunately, without being connected to all of your emotions, you can’t manage stress, fully understand your own behavior, or appropriately control how you think and act. But whatever your circumstances or challenges, the skills for improving emotional intelligence (EQ) and managing your emotions can be learned at any time.

Emotional intelligence affects:

• Your performance at school or work. High emotional intelligence can help you navigate the social complexities of the workplace, lead and motivate others, and excel in your career. In fact, when it comes to gauging important job candidates, many companies now rate emotional intelligence as important as technical ability and employ EQ testing before hiring.
• Your physical health. If you’re unable to manage your emotions, you are probably not managing your stress either. This can lead to serious health problems. Uncontrolled stress raises blood pressure, suppresses the immune system, increases the risk of heart attacks and strokes, contributes to infertility, and speeds up the aging process. The first step to improving emotional intelligence is to learn how to manage stress.
• Your mental health. Uncontrolled emotions and stress can also impact your mental health, making you vulnerable to anxiety and depression. If you are unable to understand, get comfortable with, or manage your emotions, you’ll also struggle to form strong relationships. This in turn can leave you feeling lonely and isolated and further exacerbate any mental health problems.
• Your relationships. By understanding your emotions and how to control them, you’re better able to express how you feel and understand how others are feeling. This allows you to communicate more effectively and forge stronger relationships, both at work and in your personal life.
• Your social intelligence. Being in tune with your emotions serves a social purpose, connecting you to other people and the world around you. Social intelligence enables you to recognize friend from foe, measure another person’s interest in you, reduce stress, balance your nervous system through social communication, and feel loved and happy.

4 key skills to increasing your emotional intelligence

The skills that make up emotional intelligence can be learned at any time. However, it’s important to remember that there is a difference between simply learning about emotional intelligence and applying that knowledge to your life. Just because you know you should do something doesn’t mean you will—especially when you become overwhelmed by stress, which can override your best intentions. In order to permanently change behavior in ways that stand up under pressure, you need to learn how to overcome stress in the moment, and in your relationships, in order to remain emotionally aware.

The key skills for building your emotional intelligence and improving your ability to manage emotions and connect with others are:

1. Self-management
2. Self-awareness
3. Social awareness
4. Relationship management

Building emotional intelligence, key skills

1. Self-management

In order for you to engage your emotional intelligence, you must be able use your emotions to make constructive decisions about your behavior. When you become overly stressed, you can lose control of your emotions and the ability to act thoughtfully and appropriately.

Think about a time when stress has overwhelmed you. Was it easy to think clearly or make a rational decision? Probably not. When you become overly stressed, your ability to both think clearly and accurately assess emotions—your own and other people’s—becomes compromised.

Emotions are important pieces of information that tell you about yourself and others, but in the face of stress that takes us out of our comfort zone, we can become overwhelmed and lose control of ourselves. With the ability to manage stress and stay emotionally present, you can learn to receive upsetting information without letting it override your thoughts and self-control. You’ll be able to make choices that allow you to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.

2. Self-awareness

Managing stress is just the first step to building emotional intelligence. The science of attachment indicates that your current emotional experience is likely a reflection of your early life experience. Your ability to manage core feelings such as anger, sadness, fear, and joy often depends on the quality and consistency of your early life emotional experiences. If your primary caretaker as an infant understood and valued your emotions, it’s likely your emotions have become valuable assets in adult life. But, if your emotional experiences as an infant were confusing, threatening or painful, it’s likely you’ve tried to distance yourself from your emotions.

But being able to connect to your emotions—having a moment-to-moment connection with your changing emotional experience—is the key to understanding how emotion influences your thoughts and actions.

• Do you experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after another as your experiences change from moment to moment?
• Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience in places like your stomach, throat, or chest?
• Do you experience individual feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, and joy, each of which is evident in subtle facial expressions?
• Can you experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture both your attention and that of others?
• Do you pay attention to your emotions? Do they factor into your decision making?

If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, you may have “turned down” or “turned off” your emotions. In order to build emotional intelligence—and become emotionally healthy—you must reconnect to your core emotions, accept them, and become comfortable with them. You can achieve this through the practice of mindfulness.

Mindfulness is the practice of purposely focusing your attention on the present moment—and without judgment. The cultivation of mindfulness has roots in Buddhism, but most religions include some type of similar prayer or meditation technique. Mindfulness helps shift your preoccupation with thought toward an appreciation of the moment, your physical and emotional sensations, and brings a larger perspective on life. Mindfulness calms and focuses you, making you more self-aware in the process.

Developing emotional awareness

It’s important that you learn how to manage stress first, so you’ll feel more comfortable reconnecting to strong or unpleasant emotions and changing how you experience and respond to your feelings. You can develop your emotional awareness by practicing the mindfulness meditation.

3. Social awareness

Social awareness enables you to recognize and interpret the mainly nonverbal cues others are constantly using to communicate with you. These cues let you know how others are really feeling, how their emotional state is changing from moment to moment, and what’s truly important to them. When groups of people send out similar nonverbal cues, you’re able to read and understand the power dynamics and shared emotional experiences of the group. In short, you’re empathetic and socially comfortable.

Mindfulness is an ally of emotional and social awareness

To build social awareness, you need to recognize the importance of mindfulness in the social process. After all, you can’t pick up on subtle nonverbal cues when you’re in your own head, thinking about other things, or simply zoning out on your phone. Social awareness requires your presence in the moment. While many of us pride ourselves on an ability to multitask, this means that you’ll miss the subtle emotional shifts taking place in other people that help you fully understand them.

• You are actually more likely to further your social goals by setting other thoughts aside and focusing on the interaction itself.
• Following the flow of another person’s emotional responses is a give-and-take process that requires you to also pay attention to the changes in your own emotional experience.
• Paying attention to others doesn’t diminish your own self-awareness. By investing the time and effort to really pay attention to others, you’ll actually gain insight into your own emotional state as well as your values and beliefs. For example, if you feel discomfort hearing others express certain views, you’ll have learned something important about yourself.

4. Relationship management

Working well with others is a process that begins with emotional awareness and your ability to recognize and understand what other people are experiencing. Once emotional awareness is in play, you can effectively develop additional social/emotional skills that will make your relationships more effective, fruitful, and fulfilling.

Become aware of how effectively you use nonverbal communication. It’s impossible to avoid sending nonverbal messages to others about what you think and feel. The many muscles in the face, especially those around the eyes, nose, mouth and forehead, help you to wordlessly convey your own emotions as well as read other peoples’ emotional intent. The emotional part of your brain is always on—and even if you ignore its messages—others won’t. Recognizing the nonverbal messages that you send to others can play a huge part in improving your relationships.

Use humor and play to relieve stress. Humor, laughter and play are natural antidotes to stress. They lessen your burdens and help you keep things in perspective. Laughter brings your nervous system into balance, reducing stress, calming you down, sharpening your mind and making you more empathic.

Learn to see conflict as an opportunity to grow closer to others. Conflict and disagreements are inevitable in human relationships. Two people can’t possibly have the same needs, opinions, and expectations at all times. However, that needn’t be a bad thing. Resolving conflict in healthy, constructive ways can strengthen trust between people. When conflict isn’t perceived as threatening or punishing, it fosters freedom, creativity, and safety in relationships.

Practice meditation

Many of us struggle to manage our emotions. Our feelings can often seem like a wild horse, full of fear and uncontrolled energy. They may cause you to freeze, act out, or shut down—making it difficult to think rationally, causing you to say and do things you later regret. Or you may go to great lengths to avoid difficult emotions by:

Distracting yourself with obsessive thoughts, mindless entertainment, and addictive behaviors. Watching television for hours, drinking, gambling, overeating, playing computer games, and compulsively using smartphones or the Internet are common ways to avoid dealing with your feelings.

Sticking with one emotional response that you feel comfortable with, no matter what the situation requires. For example, constantly joking around to cover up insecurities or getting angry all the time to avoid feeling sad or anxious.

Shutting down or shutting out intense emotions. If you feel overwhelmed by your emotions, you may cope by numbing yourself. You may feel completely disconnected from your emotions, like you no longer have feelings at all.

Instead of trying to ignore strong emotions, you can accept and tame them by taking up the reins and learning how to ride them. This is where the Ride the Wild Horse mindfulness meditation comes in. As well as helping you to relax, it also teaches you how to harness all of your emotions—even the uncomfortable or overwhelming ones you’ve been trying to avoid. You’ll learn how to ride out intense emotions, remaining in control of the experience and in control of your behavior.

What to expect from the meditations

The meditations focus firstly on your breathing and progressive muscle relaxation, and then on your current emotional state.

• If you begin to feel overwhelmed by uncomfortable emotions, use the quick stress relief techniques you learned in Step 1 to bring your nervous system back into balance before continuing.
• By learning to remain mindful under stress in this way, you’ll be able carry these feelings through into your daily life, even in situations that feel threatening, stressful, or uncomfortable.

Continue practicing and enjoy the benefits

It’s important to continue practicing the meditation until you’re able to stay connected to your feelings and remain calm under stress in your daily life. Each time you practice the meditation, you should feel a little more energy and a little more comfortable with your emotional experience. But don’t rush the meditative process. You will absorb more if you move slowly. Take time to notice the small changes that add up to a life change.

At the end of each meditation, as you shift your attention away from an exclusively internal focus back onto your everyday concerns, some awareness of what you’re feeling will likely remain with you. This means that you’re integrating the process into your everyday life, which will give you a greater sense of control over your emotions. Of course, learning new skills takes time and effort, especially if your energy is being sapped by depression, anxiety, or other challenges. But if you start small with baby steps undertaken at times of the day when you have the most energy, learning a new skill set can be easier than you think.

Practice, practice, practice. The more you repeat the meditations, the more comfortable you will feel with your emotions and the greater change you’ll experience in your thoughts, feelings, and actions. With regular practice, you can actually change your brain in ways that will make you feel more confident, resilient, and in control.

Set up predictable challenges. Try practicing your new emotional intelligence skills at predictable times of stress, when the stakes are low. For example, tune into your body while doing household chores or commuting through heavy traffic.

Expect setbacks. Don’t lose hope if you backslide into old habits now and then. It happens. Instead of giving up after a setback, vow to start fresh next time and learn from your mistakes.

When in doubt, return to your body. If you’re struggling to manage your mood in a tough situation, take a deep breath, and apply quick stress relief.

Talk to someone about your experience

Try to find a person you can talk to about your experiences with the meditation. What did you learn about yourself? What did you discover about your emotions? Speaking to someone face-to-face will help you retain what you’ve learned.

Coping with divorce

Going through a separation or divorce can be very difficult, no matter the reason for it. It can turn your world upside down and make it hard to get through the work day and stay productive. But there are things you can do to get through this difficult adjustment.

Recognize that it’s OK to have different strong emotions and feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.

Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup and re-energize.

Pay attention to what you need in any given moment and speak up to express your needs. Honor what you believe to be right and best for you even though it may be different from what your ex or others want. Say “no” without guilt or angst as a way of honoring what is right for you.

Stick to a routine. A divorce or relationship breakup can disrupt almost every area of your life, amplifying feelings of stress, uncertainty, and chaos. Getting back to a regular routine can provide a comforting sense of structure and normalcy.

Take a time out. Try not to make any major decisions in the first few months after a separation or divorce, such as starting a new job or moving to a new city. If you can, wait until you’re feeling less emotional so that you can make decisions with a clearer head.

Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When you’re in the middle of a breakup, you may be tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of pain and loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and destructive in the long run. It’s essential to find healthier ways of coping with painful feelings.

Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.

Make time each day to nurture yourself. Help yourself heal by scheduling daily time for activities you find calming and soothing. Spend time with good friends, go for a walk in nature, listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea.

Take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Be good to yourself and to your body. Take time out to exercise, eat well and relax. Keep to your normal routines as much as possible. Try to avoid making major decisions or changes in life plans. Don’t use alcohol, drugs or cigarettes as a way to cope; they only lead to more problems.

Avoid power struggles and arguments with your spouse or former spouse. If a discussion begins to turn into a fight, calmly suggest that you both try talking again later and either walk away or hang up the phone.

Take time to explore your interests. A divorce or breakup is a beginning as well as an end. Reconnect with things you enjoy doing apart from your spouse. Have you always wanted to take up painting or play on an intramural softball team? Sign up for a class, invest time in your hobbies, volunteer, and take time to enjoy life and make new friends. Take the opportunity to explore new interests and activities. Pursuing fun, new activities gives you a chance to enjoy life in the here-and-now, rather than dwelling on the past.

Think positively. Easier said than done, right? Things may not be the same, but finding new activities and friends, and moving forward with reasonable expectations will make this transition easier. Be flexible. If you have children, family traditions will still be important but some of them may need to be adjusted. Help create new family activities.

Life will get back to normal, although “normal” may be different from what you had originally hoped.

Tips for talking to kids:

If you have children, here’s a short list of tips that can help your young children and teens cope.

• Reassure and listen. Make sure your kids know that your divorce is not their fault. Listen to and ease their concerns, and be compassionate but direct in your responses.
• Maintain stability and routines. Try to keep your kids’ daily and weekly routines as familiar and stable as possible.
• Offer consistent discipline. Now that your kids may share time with both parents separately, make sure to agree in advance on bedtimes, curfews and other everyday decisions, as well as any punishments.
• Let your children know they can rely on you. Make and keep realistic promises. And don’t overly confide in them about your feelings about the divorce.
• Don’t involve your children in the conflict. Avoid arguing with or talking negatively about the other parent in front of your kids. Don’t use them as spies or messengers, or make them take sides.

How to cope with divorce as a man

If your partner has initiated a separation or divorce, you may feel unprepared or powerless. It can be tough to deal with problems you can’t solve, and you might find yourself working too hard or feeling anxious and depressed. You may be worried about finances, or about caring for your children, or not seeing them enough.

Most men do not initiate separation or divorce. In fact, only 32% of all divorces were initiated by men in 2003. If you were not the initiator of your separation, you may be struggling while your former partner seems to be coping much better.

Both the initiator and non-initiator have intense feelings, but they have them at different times, either before or after the separation. The initiator has the most distress before separation. The non-initiator has most distress after separation. You may feel you’re on an emotional roller coaster.

If your former partner has been considering separation for some time it is likely he/she have already gone through many of the emotions you are presently feeling.

In response, you may:

• feel powerless and ‘shafted’
• be less prepared for separation
• feel that something has been taken away from you
• feel that things are unfair
• be in total shock or confusion after separation
• experience a variety of extreme emotions such as anger or frustration.

It’s hard to deal with problems you can’t solve. You may lash out in anger, drink too much or gamble. Other men work too hard or allow themselves to become anxious, depressed, isolated and alone.

Talk to a friend. Talking does help. Some people might find it difficult to listen. Find someone who can.

Here are some coping tips for separated or divorced men:

• Look after yourself – Give yourself time to deal with the situation and continue to do the things you enjoy. Eat a healthy diet and exercise regularly.
• Seek help early – This is very important, especially if you have ongoing negative thoughts or are depressed. Make an appointment to talk to your doctor.
• Stay in contact with family and friends – Losing your social networks can increase your risk of depression, substance abuse or suicide.
• Don’t bottle things up – Talk about how you are feeling with someone you trust.
• Make choices that give you control over your life – These choices might be accepting that it’s over, not being a victim, being positive for your children or other family members, learning new skills or making plans for the future.
• Ask for help – People will want to help you, so don’t be afraid to ask. Talk to trusted family and friends or to your doctor, especially if your feelings are affecting your everyday activities.
• Contact services for support and advice – There are many services that can help you through separation and divorce, such as counseling, family dispute resolution and family violence prevention.
• Take any suicidal talk or behavior seriously. It’s not just a warning sign that the person is thinking about suicide—it’s a Cry For HELP.

If these feelings are not improving despite your having good support, or if you feel overwhelmed or depressed, then seek medical advice as soon as possible. If you or someone you know is at risk of harming themselves, call your local emergency services number immediately or go to the nearest hospital emergency department.

Divorce and grief

You may already know what it feels like to grieve the death of a close friend or relative. It has been suggested that separation or divorce is like this, but some men report that separation is even harder to manage.

Divorce or separation is complex and can involve feelings around the loss of:

• your partner
• the usual family structure
• the family home and home routines
• friends and the social life you had
• meaning and identity
• a dream
• involvement or reduced contact with your children.

These losses are particularly difficult:

• if you didn’t want the separation in the first place
• if the separation is sudden or unexpected
• if you are still hanging on hoping it will all go back to how it was
• if you have reduced or limited time with your children.

In addition, separation or divorce means:

• practical issues can become more difficult, for example shopping and managing children
• changes in the nature of some of your social networks and friends.

It’s not wonder then that you experience very intense emotions and may think you’re not coping.

The path through a divorce or separation is not usually a neat straight line. You may find yourself experiencing the highs and lows that come with grief and loss. You may revisit memories and feelings you thought you’d left behind. The emotional and mental impact may test your strength and your capacity to look after yourself properly.

Grieving is personal. We each do it differently. Find out what helps you. You may find comfort in focusing on activities like work, sport and hobbies or planning strategies for the future.

Divorce and depression

At this time of great vulnerability it is possible you may become depressed.

Everyone feels sad, unhappy or ‘blue’ once in a while, but clinical depression is different.

Depression is more than just a low mood – it’s a serious illness. People with depression feel sad, down or miserable most of the time. They find it hard to do normal activities and function day to day.

Depression affects your ability to concentrate and function socially with family or friends, or at work.

Signs of depression may include:

• reduced efficiency or trouble coping with work
• taking a long time to make up your mind
• withdrawing from mates, not wanting to go out, not being much fun any more
• spending a lot of time thinking
• being irritable – having a short fuse
• drinking and smoking more
• tearfulness
• tiredness and aches and pains
• not sleeping well
• change in appetite and losing weight.

Men may not look for help if they are depressed. They can work longer hours, stay up late or drink more in an attempt to help themselves until things really get on top of them.

If you think you may be depressed If you have ongoing negative thoughts, find it difficult to cope or experience some of the symptoms listed above for two or
more weeks at a time you may be depressed.

Seek assessment from a doctor who is a family doctor or contact a mental health service. There are psychological treatments (talking therapies) that can help you with your depression. You may also need antidepressant medication as part of your treatment.

Depression and suicide risk

Depression is a major risk factor for suicide. The deep despair and hopelessness that goes along with depression can make suicide feel like the only way to escape the pain. If you have a loved one with depression, take any suicidal talk or behavior seriously and watch for the warning signs:

Suicide warning signs

• Talking about suicide – Any talk about suicide, dying, or self-harm, such as “I wish I hadn’t been born,” “If I see you again…” and “I’d be better off dead.”
• Seeking out lethal means – Seeking access to guns, pills, knives, or other objects that could be used in a suicide attempt.
• Preoccupation with death – Unusual focus on death, dying, or violence. Writing poems or stories about death.
• No hope for the future – Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and being trapped (“There’s no way out”). Belief that things will never get better or change.
• Self-loathing, self-hatred – Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and self-hatred. Feeling like a burden (“Everyone would be better off without me”).
• Getting affairs in order – Making out a will. Giving away prized possessions. Making arrangements for family members.
• Saying goodbye – Unusual or unexpected visits or calls to family and friends. Saying goodbye to people as if they won’t be seen again.
• Withdrawing from others – Withdrawing from friends and family. Increasing social isolation. Desire to be left alone.
• Self-destructive behavior – Increased alcohol or drug use, reckless driving, unsafe sex. Taking unnecessary risks as if they have a “death wish.”
• Sudden sense of calm – A sudden sense of calm and happiness after being extremely depressed can mean that the person has made a decision to attempt suicide.

If you think a friend or family member is considering suicide, express your concern and seek help immediately. Talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life.

If You Are Feeling Suicidal

When you’re feeling depressed or suicidal, your problems don’t seem temporary—they seem overwhelming and permanent. But with time, you will feel better, especially if you get help. There are many people who want to support you during this difficult time, so please reach out!

Issues to discuss with ex-partner (the other parent)

When separation becomes inevitable, there are a number of issues regarding the wellbeing of your children which need talking about. One such topic is their
day‑to-day care.

Where are the children to live and where are they going to school? It is best for parents to decide this for younger children; however, the wishes of children should always be taken into consideration when making this decision.

Changes to living arrangements can be made later if things don’t work out. But normally life changes, anyway, as children grow older and parents’ lives move on.
So there are bound to be times when these arrangements will need reviewing.

This can be a difficult issue to manage on your own, and an independent counselor, or mediator can make the process easier for both parties. A Parenting Plan can be discussed in which everyone’s needs are considered, and then information can be given about the ways in which the arrangements can be formalized.

Successful co-operative parenting, once you have separated, is very important and is one of the most valuable things you can give to your children to compensate for not having the family living together.

Explaining the divorce to your children

Telling the children you are separating won’t be easy, either, but it needs to be done.

Don’t tell your children until you are both composed and can present a united and reassuring front.

Tell your children something before you actually separate so that things can sink in. If you can tell the children together, do so. Make sure you both know what’s going to be said beforehand. You will need time to answer questions and reassure your child.

Acknowledge that it’s been a difficult decision to make and that it will be hard for everyone in the family to get used to.

Explain that, while you can no longer live together as husband and wife, you will always be their parents.

With older children, talking generally about adult love and marriage can help them appreciate the complexities of relationships and respect the way their parents have handled the break-up.

Try to convey the reason for separation in a simple way; leave out the bits which blame the other parent.

Make statements like, “We like one another in some ways, but can’t live with each other”.

Say that some of the things that happened between you are difficult to explain and that you know it won’t be easy for them to understand. A very good rule of thumb is: “Don’t bite off more than your child can swallow.”

Make sure you tell them that they are not to blame for the separation. Give lots of reassurance that you will always be their parents and will always love them. Also tell them that nothing they can do will change the situation.

Talk about the living arrangements; be positive. Talk about how the parent who is to move away will maintain contact – by phone calls, letters, visits, videos, emails, faxes.

Be prepared to discuss things like:

• What will become of birthday and Christmas celebrations?
• Will both parents go to special school events?
• How will the other parent receive invitations?
• What will happen during holidays?

Remember to say that good things, as well as sad, will result from the separation, and talk about the positive things.

At first you may not get much of a reaction; they may need time for the news to sink in; but be prepared for tears and anger, for wanting to talk and not wanting to talk. In short, be prepared for a variety of responses and listen to your children.

The way you and your ex-partner behave will have an impact on your children’s ability to adjust well to the separation, now and in the future.

Ground rules for parenting successfully after a divorce

Respect each other’s privacy; don’t interfere in the other’s household.

• Extend common courtesy and manners when you meet, as you would to a colleague or acquaintance.
• Make appointments to discuss things. It could be useful to meet on neutral ground, like a coffee shop. Sometimes it’s easier to stay calm in a public place.
• Don’t hold anger in, but do avoid physical conflict and fighting about the children in front of them. Bear in mind that your children will benefit from a good resolution to your differences.
• Search for solutions, not fault. If you both think you can not do it on your own, find someone who has the skill to mediate.
• Explain to the children how you both have decided to settle the differences. Children need to know.
• Give your ex-partner the benefit of the doubt; don’t make assumptions based on what the children have said. Check things out calmly with your ex-partner.
• Be business like; keep your feelings in check; evaluate your ex-partner’s behavior, not by how you feel but by how business like it is.
• Be trustworthy; follow through on your agreements. Once arrangements for the children are in place… STICK TO THEM! Children need as much certainty as their parents can give them at a time like this.
• Concentrate on your own relationship with the children. Let your ex-partner parent in his or her own way.
• Put things in writing; don’t assume. Make sure agreements and plans are explicit and detailed as to time, place, cost, and so on. Make the pledge never to take a child away, or to use the children as ammunition, to hurt the other parent.

How to cope with divorce as a woman

If your partner has initiated a separation or divorce, you may feel unprepared or powerless. It can be tough to deal with problems you can’t solve, and you might find yourself working too hard or feeling anxious and depressed. You may be worried about finances, or about caring for your children, or not seeing them enough.

Here are some coping tips for separated or divorced women:

• Look after yourself – Give yourself time to deal with the situation and continue to do the things you enjoy. Eat a healthy diet and exercise regularly.
• Seek help early – This is very important, especially if you have ongoing negative thoughts or are depressed. Make an appointment to talk to your doctor.
• Stay in contact with family and friends – Losing your social networks can increase your risk of depression, substance abuse or suicide.
• Don’t bottle things up – Talk about how you are feeling with someone you trust.
• Make choices that give you control over your life – These choices might be accepting that it’s over, not being a victim, being positive for your children or other family members, learning new skills or making plans for the future.
• Ask for help – People will want to help you, so don’t be afraid to ask. Talk to trusted family and friends or to your doctor, especially if your feelings are affecting your everyday activities.
• Contact services for support and advice – There are many services that can help you through separation and divorce, such as counseling, family dispute resolution and family violence prevention.
• Take any suicidal talk or behavior seriously. It’s not just a warning sign that the person is thinking about suicide—it’s a Cry For HELP.

If these feelings are not improving despite your having good support, or if you feel overwhelmed or depressed, then seek medical advice as soon as possible. If you or someone you know is at risk of harming themselves, call your local emergency services number immediately or go to the nearest hospital emergency department.

Divorce and grief

You may already know what it feels like to grieve the death of a close friend or relative. It has been suggested that separation or divorce is like this, but some men report that separation is even harder to manage.

Divorce or separation is complex and can involve feelings around the loss of:

• your partner
• the usual family structure
• the family home and home routines
• friends and the social life you had
• meaning and identity
• a dream
• involvement or reduced contact with your children.

These losses are particularly difficult:

• if you didn’t want the separation in the first place
• if the separation is sudden or unexpected
• if you are still hanging on hoping it will all go back to how it was
• if you have reduced or limited time with your children.

In addition, separation or divorce means:

• practical issues can become more difficult, for example shopping and managing children
• changes in the nature of some of your social networks and friends.

It’s not wonder then that you experience very intense emotions and may think you’re not coping.

The path through a divorce or separation is not usually a neat straight line. You may find yourself experiencing the highs and lows that come with grief and loss. You may revisit memories and feelings you thought you’d left behind. The emotional and mental impact may test your strength and your capacity to look after yourself properly.

Grieving is personal. We each do it differently. Find out what helps you. You may find comfort in focusing on activities like work, sport and hobbies or planning strategies for the future.

Divorce and depression

At this time of great vulnerability it is possible you may become depressed.

Everyone feels sad, unhappy or ‘blue’ once in a while, but clinical depression is different.

Depression is more than just a low mood – it’s a serious illness. People with depression feel sad, down or miserable most of the time. They find it hard to do normal activities and function day to day.

Depression affects your ability to concentrate and function socially with family or friends, or at work.

Signs of depression may include:

• reduced efficiency or trouble coping with work
• taking a long time to make up your mind
• withdrawing from mates, not wanting to go out, not being much fun any more
• spending a lot of time thinking
• being irritable – having a short fuse
• drinking and smoking more
• tearfulness
• tiredness and aches and pains
• not sleeping well
• change in appetite and losing weight.

Women may not look for help if they are depressed. They can work longer hours, stay up late or drink more in an attempt to help themselves until things really get on top of them.

If you think you may be depressed If you have ongoing negative thoughts, find it difficult to cope or experience some of the symptoms listed above for two or
more weeks at a time you may be depressed.

Seek assessment from a doctor who is a family doctor or contact a mental health service. There are psychological treatments (talking therapies) that can help you with your depression. You may also need antidepressant medication as part of your treatment.

Depression and suicide risk

Depression is a major risk factor for suicide. The deep despair and hopelessness that goes along with depression can make suicide feel like the only way to escape the pain. If you have a loved one with depression, take any suicidal talk or behavior seriously and watch for the warning signs:

Suicide warning signs

• Talking about suicide – Any talk about suicide, dying, or self-harm, such as “I wish I hadn’t been born,” “If I see you again…” and “I’d be better off dead.”
• Seeking out lethal means – Seeking access to guns, pills, knives, or other objects that could be used in a suicide attempt.
• Preoccupation with death – Unusual focus on death, dying, or violence. Writing poems or stories about death.
• No hope for the future – Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and being trapped (“There’s no way out”). Belief that things will never get better or change.
• Self-loathing, self-hatred – Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and self-hatred. Feeling like a burden (“Everyone would be better off without me”).
• Getting affairs in order – Making out a will. Giving away prized possessions. Making arrangements for family members.
• Saying goodbye – Unusual or unexpected visits or calls to family and friends. Saying goodbye to people as if they won’t be seen again.
• Withdrawing from others – Withdrawing from friends and family. Increasing social isolation. Desire to be left alone.
• Self-destructive behavior – Increased alcohol or drug use, reckless driving, unsafe sex. Taking unnecessary risks as if they have a “death wish.”
• Sudden sense of calm – A sudden sense of calm and happiness after being extremely depressed can mean that the person has made a decision to attempt suicide.

If you think a friend or family member is considering suicide, express your concern and seek help immediately. Talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life.

If You Are Feeling Suicidal

When you’re feeling depressed or suicidal, your problems don’t seem temporary—they seem overwhelming and permanent. But with time, you will feel better, especially if you get help. There are many people who want to support you during this difficult time, so please reach out!

Issues to discuss with ex-partner (the other parent)

When separation becomes inevitable, there are a number of issues regarding the wellbeing of your children which need talking about. One such topic is their
day‑to-day care.

Where are the children to live and where are they going to school? It is best for parents to decide this for younger children; however, the wishes of children should always be taken into consideration when making this decision.

Changes to living arrangements can be made later if things don’t work out. But normally life changes, anyway, as children grow older and parents’ lives move on.
So there are bound to be times when these arrangements will need reviewing.

This can be a difficult issue to manage on your own, and an independent counselor, or mediator can make the process easier for both parties. A Parenting Plan can be discussed in which everyone’s needs are considered, and then information can be given about the ways in which the arrangements can be formalized.

Successful co-operative parenting, once you have separated, is very important and is one of the most valuable things you can give to your children to compensate for not having the family living together.

Explaining the divorce to your children

Telling the children you are separating won’t be easy, either, but it needs to be done.

Don’t tell your children until you are both composed and can present a united and reassuring front.

Tell your children something before you actually separate so that things can sink in. If you can tell the children together, do so. Make sure you both know what’s going to be said beforehand. You will need time to answer questions and reassure your child.

Acknowledge that it’s been a difficult decision to make and that it will be hard for everyone in the family to get used to.

Explain that, while you can no longer live together as husband and wife, you will always be their parents.

With older children, talking generally about adult love and marriage can help them appreciate the complexities of relationships and respect the way their parents have handled the break-up.

Try to convey the reason for separation in a simple way; leave out the bits which blame the other parent.

Make statements like, “We like one another in some ways, but can’t live with each other”.

Say that some of the things that happened between you are difficult to explain and that you know it won’t be easy for them to understand. A very good rule of thumb is: “Don’t bite off more than your child can swallow.”

Make sure you tell them that they are not to blame for the separation. Give lots of reassurance that you will always be their parents and will always love them. Also tell them that nothing they can do will change the situation.

Talk about the living arrangements; be positive. Talk about how the parent who is to move away will maintain contact – by phone calls, letters, visits, videos, emails, faxes.

Be prepared to discuss things like:

• What will become of birthday and Christmas celebrations?
• Will both parents go to special school events?
• How will the other parent receive invitations?
• What will happen during holidays?

Remember to say that good things, as well as sad, will result from the separation, and talk about the positive things.

At first you may not get much of a reaction; they may need time for the news to sink in; but be prepared for tears and anger, for wanting to talk and not wanting to talk. In short, be prepared for a variety of responses and listen to your children.

The way you and your ex-partner behave will have an impact on your children’s ability to adjust well to the separation, now and in the future.

Ground rules for parenting successfully after a divorce

Respect each other’s privacy; don’t interfere in the other’s household.

• Extend common courtesy and manners when you meet, as you would to a colleague or acquaintance.
• Make appointments to discuss things. It could be useful to meet on neutral ground, like a coffee shop. Sometimes it’s easier to stay calm in a public place.
• Don’t hold anger in, but do avoid physical conflict and fighting about the children in front of them. Bear in mind that your children will benefit from a good resolution to your differences.
• Search for solutions, not fault. If you both think you can not do it on your own, find someone who has the skill to mediate.
• Explain to the children how you both have decided to settle the differences. Children need to know.
• Give your ex-partner the benefit of the doubt; don’t make assumptions based on what the children have said. Check things out calmly with your ex-partner.
• Be business like; keep your feelings in check; evaluate your ex-partner’s behavior, not by how you feel but by how business like it is.
• Be trustworthy; follow through on your agreements. Once arrangements for the children are in place… STICK TO THEM! Children need as much certainty as their parents can give them at a time like this.
• Concentrate on your own relationship with the children. Let your ex-partner parent in his or her own way.
• Put things in writing; don’t assume. Make sure agreements and plans are explicit and detailed as to time, place, cost, and so on. Make the pledge never to take a child away, or to use the children as ammunition, to hurt the other parent.

Top mistakes divorced parents make

Mistake No. 1

• Failing to tell your children about the impending separation/divorce. This may lead to children imagining the very worst about their parents’ relationship and what will happen to them.

Mistake No.2

• Neglecting to reassure children that they were not to blame for the break-up.

Mistake No. 3

• Arguing in the children’s hearing. Children may respond to the fears and anxiety that this causes by becoming difficult, shy, morose or angry.

Mistake No. 4

• Speaking contemptuously of the absent partner. Telling children, “Your father is a slob”, or “Your mother is a fool”, has a devastating effect on children.

Mistake No. 5

Using your children for your own ends by asking them to spy on the other parent, or using them as post-boxes and sending messages to the other parent through them.

Mistake No. 6

Encouraging children to take sides with you against the other parent, or telling them, “I still love him, but he doesn’t love me”, or “I want to keep the house for you kids, but she wants to sell it”.

Mistake No. 7

Abruptly upsetting the children’s routine by moving house and school. The shock of separation/divorce is lessened for youngsters who continue to live in the same house and attend the same school. If this is not possible, talk to the children about what is going to happen.

Children coping with divorce

How your children will react to your divorce or separation and adjust to it will depend upon several things:

• How you cope with the break-up and any ongoing relationships.
• The age and stage of development of your child / children when you tell them of the divorce or separation.
• The temperament of your child / children – for instance, whether they are easy going or highly-strung.

Some children go through divorce with relatively few problems, while others have a very difficult time. It’s normal for kids to feel a range of difficult emotions, but time, love, and reassurance should help them to heal. You can dramatically reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority. If your kids remain overwhelmed, though, you may need to seek professional help.

Normal reactions to divorce or separation

Although strong feelings can be tough on children, the following reactions are normal for children following divorce.

• Anger. Your kids may express their anger, rage, and resentment with you and your spouse for destroying their sense of normalcy.
• Anxiety. It’s natural for children to feel anxious when faced with big changes in their lives.
• Mild depression. Sadness about the family’s new situation is normal, and sadness coupled with a sense of hopelessness and helplessness is likely to become a mild form of depression.

It will take some time for your kids to work through their issues about the separation or divorce, but you should see gradual improvement over time.

Red flags for more serious problems

If things get worse rather than better after several months following your divorce, it may be a sign that your child is stuck in depression, anxiety, or anger and could use some additional support. Watch for these warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety in kids:

• Sleep problems
• Poor concentration
• Trouble at school
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Self-injury, cutting, or eating disorders
• Frequent angry or violent outbursts
• Withdrawal from loved ones
• Disinterest in loved activities

Discuss these or other divorce-related warning-signs with your child’s doctor, teachers, or consult a child therapist for guidance on coping with specific problems.

Preschool (0-5 years)

Small children are less able to understand what is going on. They are very dependent on their parents and will most likely want to stay close to the parent with whom they have most contact.

Small children are likely to:

• be confused and worried about whether they have done something to cause the separation
• fret for the parent who has gone and wonder whether Daddy or Mummy still loves them
• fantasize what they don’t understand, and make up things from their own experience which may cause them great distress.

For example, small children may worry that they will be abandoned when you go and leave them for a while, or that you won’t be there when they wake up. Such children are likely to show their distress by:

• having trouble sleeping
• being clingy or withdrawing
• wetting their pants when normally they are toilet-trained
• being upset when they return from seeing the parent they are not living with the majority of the time
• turning more to security blankets or soft toys for comfort
• using baby talk, when normally they are able to speak quite well.

Early Primary (5-8 years)

Children this age can understand that parents operate separately from them. They are more able to talk about their feelings, but have difficulty expressing their
worries, and tend to demonstrate them through undesirable behavior.

Children this age group (5 to 8 years of age) are likely to be:

• worried that they will have to choose between parents
• wondering what will happen next
• fearful they might be the cause of the separation
• feeling responsible for looking after others‘ feelings – particularly parents
• longing to get parents back together
• blaming themselves for the break-up
• afraid they will be replaced
• very sad.

Children this age group (5 to 8 years of age) are likely to show their distress by:

• being reluctant and distressed to leave the other parent at the end of a visit
• behaving badly by being abnormally angry, aggressive and restless
• withdrawing and dreaming
• exhibiting baby behaviors
• wanting to stay home to be near the parent with whom they spend most time
• asking lots of questions and appearing anxious.

Upper Primary (8-12 years)

Children in this age bracket find separation extraordinarily difficult. They know what is going on, but don’t know how to handle it. They can understand why parents can be angry with each other, and they don’t seem to blame themselves for what’s happened.

Children this age group (8 to 12 years of age) are likely to be:

• afraid of being excluded from decision-making
• just plain angry
• fearful and unsure of their place in the world
• worried about being abandoned
• ashamed about what’s happened
• responsible for looking after one or both parents
• afraid of being asked who they want to live with.

Children this age group (8 to 12 years of age) are likely to show their distress by:

• being angry and bossy with you
• missing the other parent intensely
• being judgemental about who is the bad parent
• playing one parent off against the other
• having stomach-aches and headaches so they can stay home from school
• frequently lying
• stealing
• having their school performance drop
• finding it difficult to talk about what has happened with others
• trying to run away.

Adolescents (12-16 years)

In many ways, adolescents are independent of their parents and capable of seeing that parent’s decisions are quite separate from themselves.

They will struggle, as younger children, to work out how to react to the news of their parents’ separation.

Often, however, they are aware that their parents’ relationship is poor, and the news can come as a relief.

Adolescents are likely to be:

• acutely aware of the reality of the separation
• angry and embarrassed
• fearful and uncertain of what will happen to them
• worried about their parents’ emotional wellbeing
• experiencing a conflict of loyalty.

Adolescents are likely to show their distress by:

• lacking concentration at school
• blaming parents for separation
• increased acting out behavior – e.g. going out without permission, refusing to co-operate
• taking on parent concerns
• withdrawing from the family.

What you can do to help your child deal with divorce?

Preschool (0-5 years)

• Provide lots of closeness and cuddles, and not just when they look distressed.
• Tell them you love them and won’t leave them.
• Don’t get mad if they wet the bed or regress and use baby talk.
• Be patient if they can’t sleep.
• Make sure you tell them about the new living arrangements and how things will work – e.g. when they will see the other parent.
• Tell the children in advance what will happen, and when.
• Avoid putting the other parent down.
• Remember – they, too, are grieving.

Early Primary (5-8 years)

• Reassure them about the other parent’s love and that it will be forever.
• Reassure them that they won’t have to choose between you and the other parent.
• Provide opportunity to talk about the anger and loneliness they may feel.
• Give lots of closeness and cuddles if they look for it (and even when they don’t).
• Talk with them about their desire to get their parents back together again.
• Be understanding if they reject you at times.
• Avoid putting the other parent down.

Upper Primary (8-12 years)

• Don’t ask them who they want to live with.
• Give opportunity for them to talk about what is happening.
• When organizing parenting arrangements, keep in mind their social and sporting activities.
• Talk with them about the new living arrangements.
• Answer questions honestly, even if they seem silly.
• Spell out that they are not responsible for you.
• Provide comfort and time to talk about their fears and concerns.
• Avoid putting the other parent down.

Adolescents (12-16 years)

• Be prepared to listen and talk with them.
• Don’t make them your confidant.
• Give them time and space to work out their own reactions to the separation.
• Avoid putting the other parent down.

Although it may be difficult or painful for both parents, it is very important that contact be established between the children and the parent with whom they are not going to be living as soon as possible. Even if arrangements are only temporary, children need to know in concrete terms that both parents are there for them at this time.

Make sure you tell the children that they are not to blame for the separation and assure them that both parents love them and that this will always be the case. Whatever you do, don’t criticize the other parent in front of your children, and don’t pump them for information about what the other parent is doing or saying. Let the children know how important you think it is to have an ongoing relationship with the other parent. And let the children see you behave in a respectful and positive way with each other.

Finding time to talk with, and listen to, your children will be helpful to them. They need to know that, even though you are distressed at times, life will improve and you are handling things. Children will need time to talk about their feelings – maybe to talk about the other parent. This might be difficult for you, but it is important for the children that you can listen and understand.

Children need to feel secure, and you can provide this by maintaining clear and firm guidelines around what is acceptable behavior. Your normally honest 8-year-old may begin to lie or steal because of what is happening. But don’t allow a behavior that is not normally tolerated to be overlooked; in the long run, that won’t help your child or you. Fair and consistent discipline is important at any time.

Don’t use the children as a “post-box”, sending messages through them to the other parent. Keep arguments with the other parent private. Talk with other adults when you are upset and angry, rather than discussing the “ins and outs” with the children.

Do talk with the children’s teachers, and any other adults who have responsibility for the children, as this will help them to make sense of any unusual behavior
that occurs.

It is important for parents to remember that children will feel caught, and can be seriously scarred emotionally, if they are:

• asked to carry messages between parents, especially hostile ones
• asked intrusive questions about the other parent
• made to feel that they have to hide information
• made to feel that they have to hide their feelings about the other parent.

Helping children cope with divorce

A breakup, separation or divorce is a highly stressful and emotional experience for everyone involved, but children often feel that their whole world has turned upside down. Inevitably, such a transitional time doesn’t happen without some measure of grief and hardship, but you can dramatically reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority.

While it’s normal for a child to grieve the breakup of the family, as a parent there’s plenty you can do to make the process less painful for your kids. Divorce is never a seamless process, but these tips can help your children cope with the upheaval of a breakup and come out the other side more resilient, more understanding, and even with a closer bond to both parents.

Your patience, reassurance, and listening ear can minimize tension as your children learn to cope with unfamiliar circumstances. By providing routines your kids can rely on, you remind them that they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. And by maintaining a working relationship with your ex, you can help your kids avoid the stress and anguish that comes with watching parents in conflict. With your support, your kids can not only successfully navigate this unsettling time, but even emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong.

• No matter what age your children are, they will be affected emotionally by the separation and will need your understanding and support.
• It will take time for them, and you, to adjust to the loss of the family living together, even if things at home have been unpleasant through arguments or angry silences.
• As a parent, you can help your kids cope with the breakup by providing stability and attending to your child’s needs with a reassuring, positive attitude.

Here are some tips for supporting children affected by separation or divorce:

• Provide lots of reassurance – Make sure your kids know the break-up was not their fault and that you will always be their parents and love them just as much. Make time to talk and listen to them.
• Be positive about the future – Tell them about future living arrangements and that good things will come out of the situation in the end.
• Be consistent with routines, rituals and boundaries – Keeping these as consistent as possible can help your children cope with changes and feel secure.
• Give them space – Let your children know it’s okay to talk to another trusted adult (teacher, aunt, grandparent).
• Make sure they know you still love them – Let them be free to love both parents and not have to choose.
• Listen to them – Be sympathetic and don’t judge.
• Make them the focus – When discussing parenting arrangements, think about what is best for the children rather than fair for you.

What your child wants from mom and dad during a breakup or divorce

Children may feel hurt, worried, confused or angry when their parents break up, separate or divorce. How well your child copes will depend on how you are coping with the change, how you behave towards your former partner, the child’s age and level of maturity, and whether he or she is easily upset or easy going.

• I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please call me, email, text, and ask me lots of questions. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me.
• Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
• I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
• Please communicate directly with each other so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth between you.
• When talking about my other parent, please say only kind things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
• Please remember that I want both of you in my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.

How to help a child deal with divorce

When it comes to telling your kids about your divorce, many parents freeze up. Make the conversation a little easier on both yourself and your children by preparing what you’re going to say before you sit down to talk. If you can anticipate tough questions, deal with your own anxieties ahead of time, and plan carefully what you’ll be telling them, you will be better equipped to help your children handle the news.

What to say and how to say it

Difficult as it may be, try to strike an empathetic tone and address the most important points right up front. Give your children the benefit of an honest—but kid-friendly—explanation.

• Tell the truth. Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them. Pick something simple and honest, like “We can’t get along anymore.” You may need to remind your children that while sometimes parents and kids don’t always get along, parents and kids don’t stop loving each other or get divorced from each other.
• Say “I love you.” However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for them hasn’t changed is a powerful message. Tell them you’ll still be caring for them in every way, from fixing their breakfast to helping them with homework.
• Address changes. Preempt your kids’ questions about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different, and other things won’t. Let them know that together you can deal with each detail as you go.

Avoid blaming

It’s vital to be honest with your kids, but without being critical of your spouse. This can be especially difficult when there have been hurtful events, such as infidelity, but with a little diplomacy, you can avoid playing the blame game.

• Present a united front. As much as you can, try to agree in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce—and stick to it.
• Plan your conversations. Make plans to talk with your children before any changes in the living arrangements occur. And plan to talk when your spouse is present, if possible.
• Show restraint. Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation.

How much information should I give my child about the divorce?

Especially at the beginning of your separation or divorce, you’ll need to pick and choose how much to tell your children. Think carefully about how certain information will affect them.

• Be age-aware. In general, younger children need less detail and will do better with a simple explanation, while older kids may need more information.
• Share logistical information. Do tell kids about changes in their living arrangements, school, or activities, but don’t overwhelm them with the details.
• Keep it real. No matter how much or how little you decide to tell your kids, remember that the information should be truthful above all else.

Help your child grieve the divorce

For kids, divorce can feel like an intense loss—the loss of a parent, the loss of the family unit, or simply the loss of the life they knew. You can help your children grieve their loss and adjust to new circumstances by helping them express their emotions.

• Listen. Encourage your child to share their feelings and really listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, loss or frustration about things you may not have expected.
• Help them find words for their feelings. It’s normal for children to have difficulty expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk.
• Let them be honest. Children might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. They may blame you for the divorce but if they aren’t able to share their honest feelings, they will have a harder time working through them.
• Make talking about the divorce an ongoing process. As children age and mature, they often have new questions, feelings, or concerns about what happened, so you may want to go over the same ground again and again.
• Acknowledge their feelings. You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them. You can also inspire trust by showing that you understand.

Let kids know they’re not at fault

Many kids believe that they had something to do with the divorce, recalling times they argued with their parents, received poor grades, or got in trouble. To help your kids let go of this misconception:

• Set the record straight. Repeat why you decided to get a divorce. Sometimes hearing the real reason for your decision can help.
• Be patient. Kids may seem to “get it” one day and feel unsure the next. Treat your child’s confusion or misunderstandings with patience.
• Reassure. As often as you need to, remind your children that both parents will continue to love them and that they are not responsible for the divorce.

Give reassurance and love

Children have a remarkable ability to heal when given the support and love they need. Your words, actions, and ability to remain consistent are all important tools to reassure your children of your unchanging love.

• Both parents will be there. Let your kids know that even though the physical circumstances of the family unit will change, they can continue to have healthy, loving relationships with both of their parents.
• It’ll be okay. Tell kids that things won’t always be easy, but that they will work out. Knowing it’ll be all right can provide incentive for your kids to give a new situation a chance.
• Closeness. Physical closeness—in the form of hugs, pats on the shoulder, or simple proximity—has a powerful way of reassuring your child of your love.
• Be honest. When kids raise concerns or anxieties, respond truthfully. If you don’t know the answer, say gently that you aren’t sure right now, but that you’ll find out and it will be okay.

Work with your ex

Conflict between parents—separated or not—can be very damaging for kids. It’s crucial to avoid putting your children in the middle of your fights, or making them feel like they have to choose between you. The following tips can save your kids a lot of heartache.

Take it somewhere else. Never argue in front of your children, whether it’s in person or over the phone. Ask your ex to talk another time, or drop the conversation altogether.

Use tact. Refrain from talking with your children about details of the other parent’s behavior. It’s the oldest rule in the book: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Be nice. Be polite in your interactions with your ex-spouse. This not only sets a good example for your kids but can also encourage your ex to be gracious in response.

Look on the bright side. Choose to focus on the strengths of all family members. Encourage children to do the same.

Work on it. Make it a priority to develop an amicable relationship with your ex-spouse as soon as possible. Watching you be friendly can reassure children and teach problem-solving skills as well.

Resolving parenting conflicts with your ex

If you find yourself, time after time, locked in battle with your ex over the details of parenting, try to step back and remember the bigger purpose at hand.

Remind yourself: what’s best for your kids in the long run? Having a good relationship with both parents throughout their lives.

Think ahead in order to stay calm. If you can keep long-term goals in mind—your children’s physical and mental health, your independence—you may be able to avoid disagreements about daily details.

Consider everyone’s well-being. The happiness of your children, yourself, and, yes, even your ex, should be the broad brushstrokes in the big picture of your new lives after divorce.

How to deal with an angry child after divorce?

In times of change children may ‘act out’ their feelings. It is important to help them deal with the feelings behind the behaviour, and learn how to manage their behavior.

It can help to:

• have regular routines
• help children name their feelings and to learn that all feelings are OK
• notice and encourage good behavior. Have firm and reasonable limits and be consistent when responding to problem behavior. Try to deal with issues as they happen
• know that children might go back to things they had grown out of, such as having tantrums or wetting the bed. This is common in times of major change, and should pass. Talk to your doctor or child health nurse if you are concerned
• agree with the other parent about common rules and limits if your child moves between two homes. While children can adjust to different rules, common rules about the big issues like bedtimes and use of electronic devices might help prevent problems
• expect that some children might misbehave for the parent they spend more time with, and who does most of the disciplining and daily routines. Shorter times with the other parent can make it easier for children to manage their behavior, especially if they get to do more fun things.

It helps children feel secure when they see you are ‘the parent’ and are able to take care of them.

Helping children adjust

Moving to a single parent household is a big change for children who have been used to living with two parents. There may be other big changes such as moving house, changing schools, losing touch with friends or adjusting to living on less money.

You can help children by allowing them time to grieve. Whatever their age, separation from a parent or other big changes can cause feelings of grief (see Grief and loss). Each child is different, and how they react can depend on their age, maturity, and the circumstances of the change. Children may need extra support from parents, other family members, carers and teachers. Don’t expect too much too soon.

It can help to:

• spend one-on-one time each day with children, playing, doing homework, reading or just talking about the day. It helps strengthen your bond with them
• support them to have a relationship with the other parent even though this may be hard for you. Children want to love and be loved by both their parents
• have a range of supports for your child. It may help to have the support of another trusted adult who is the same sex as your child
• let them know all families have their ups and downs, not just single-parent families
• make plans for your children’s future in case anything should happen to you.

It can take time for you and your children to adjust to being a single-parent household.

Shared parenting

When both parents are involved in parenting after separation, children adjust better. The quality of the relationships is what is most important. Whether parents are together or apart, children benefit when each parent is positive, supportive and involved. Having frequent or regular contact is also important. It is harder to have a good relationship if you don’t see someone that often.

It can be hard to see your child excited about seeing their other parent. It is important not to make them feel guilty about this.

It is also important not to involve children in your problems with the other parent, or speak badly of them in front of children. Children are very loyal and protective of parents and it hurts when someone they love is criticized.

Keep changeovers as calm as possible.

Conflict and tension stresses children. If tensions are high, you could choose a neutral place or have a friend present. There are also Children’s Contact Centres where you can have changeovers without talking to the other parent. If there is violence or you or your children are in danger, call your local emergency services number.

When children return

Allow time for your children to ‘fit back into home’ when they return. Children can take a few minutes or hours, and some take days. Some may act out, or become quiet and sad. Some need time to get used to the ‘swapping’. They may feel sad about leaving the other parent, and guilty or disloyal to you for feeling this way. They might be upset if they didn’t enjoy the visit. If your child takes days to settle and this doesn’t improve over time, you may want to speak to a health professional.

Let children talk about what they’ve been doing. Don’t pressure them with questions, as they may ‘close up’ to protect the other parent. Don’t use your children to carry messages, or to find out what your former partner is doing.

Children who have no contact with the other parent still need to know where that person fits into their lives. They may be able to have contact with grandparents or other relatives of your former partner.

Looking after yourself

The stronger you are physically, mentally and emotionally, the better you will adjust to your new life. When you find ways to be happy in your own life children learn that even big problems can be dealt with.

For parents who have just separated or lost a partner, feelings can be very strong. Get support from other family members or friends rather than talking with your children about your feelings. It may help to talk with your doctor or a counselor if you need extra support.

It can help you and your children if you:

• keep your sense of humor and try to see the positive side of things
• make regular time to do things for yourself, including having fun and a social life
• be aware of your own stress and find ways to manage it
• try not to feel guilty or over-compensate for children not living with both parents. This won’t help you or them make the most of the life you have now
• plan to do enjoyable things when your children are with the other parent
• create a support network and make use of the available resources
• help children understand you need to spend time with other adults just like they need friends their own age. It is best for you and your children not to rely solely on each other for company
• take new relationships slowly. Talk things through with your children. Listen to how they feel and let them know they are still just as important to you.

Your children are likely to cope better with becoming a single-parent family if you are coping well.

How to deal with parents divorce as a teenager?

About half the marriages in the United States today end in divorce, so plenty of kids and teens have to go through this. But when it happens to you, you can feel very alone and unsure of what it all means.

When mom and dad breakup or divorce, you might be confused, stressed, angry, uncertain, profoundly sad or even shocked because you didn’t see it coming. You might feel sad and anxious because you don’t know what will happen next.

At any age, kids may feel shocked, uncertain, or angry at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up. They may even feel guilty, blaming themselves for the problems at home.

You might also be relieved, particularly if there has been a lot of conflict or any family violence. Some teenagers might be more relaxed, happier and healthier after a separation. After all, it’s a fresh start for everyone.

It’s also common for teenagers to be concerned or feel guilty if they think they’ve added to the problems between you.

You might worry that you’ll lose contact with one of your parents. Or you might not want contact with one of your parents because you feels angry and blame that parent for the separation.

And you might think you need to support one or both of your parents, and feel resentful or overwhelmed by this responsibility.

On a practical level, you might have concerns about where you’ll live. For example, you might worry that your family home will be sold, and that you might have to move away from your friends and school. The possibility that you’ll have two homes – one with one parent, one with the other – might also worry you.

For many people, their parents’ divorce marks a turning point in their lives, whether the divorce happened many years ago or is taking place right now.

It may seem hard, but it is possible to cope with divorce — and have a good family life in spite of some changes divorce may bring.

All children will take time to adjust.

Why are my parents divorcing?

Parents divorce for many reasons. Usually divorce happens when couples feel they can no longer live together due to fighting and anger, or because the love they had when they married has changed. Divorce also can be because one parent falls in love with someone else, and sometimes it’s due to a serious problem like drinking, abuse, or gambling. Sometimes nothing bad happens, but parents just decide to live apart.

Did you know it’s really common for teens to think that their parents’ divorce is somehow their fault? Just try to remember that parents’ decisions to split up are to do with issues between them, and not because of something you might have done or not done.

Some kids feel guilty about what happened, or wish they had prevented arguments by cooperating more within the family, doing better with their behavior, or getting better grades. But separation and divorce are a result of a couple’s problems with each other, not with their kids. The decisions adults make about divorce are their own.

If your parents are divorcing, you may experience many feelings. Your emotions may change a lot, too. You may feel stressed out, angry, frustrated, or sad. You might feel protective of one parent or blame one for the situation. You may feel abandoned, afraid, worried, or guilty. You also may feel relieved, especially if there has been a lot of tension or fighting at home. These feelings are very typical and talking about them with a friend, family member, or trusted adult can really help.

How will divorce change my life?

Depending on what happens in your family, you might have to adjust to many changes. These could include things like moving, changing schools, spending time with both parents separately, and perhaps dealing with parents’ unpleasant feelings about one another.

Your parents may go to court to determine custody arrangements. You could end up living with one parent most of the time and visiting the other, or your parents may split their time with you evenly. At the beginning, it means you might have to be flexible and might have more hassles to deal with for a while.

Some teens have to travel between parents, and that can create challenges both socially and practically. Over time you can figure out a new routine that works for all of you. Often, it takes a while for custody arrangements to be finalized. This can give people time to adapt to these big changes and let families figure out what works best.

Money matters may change for your parents, too. A parent who didn’t work during the marriage may need to find a job to pay for rent or a mortgage. This might be something a parent is excited about, but he or she may also feel nervous or pressured about finances. There are also expenses associated with divorce, from lawyers’ fees to the cost of moving to a new place to live.

Your family may not be able to afford all the things you were used to before the divorce. This is one of the difficult changes often associated with divorce. There can be good changes too — but how you cope with the stressful changes depends on your situation, your personality, and your support network.

How to cope when parents divorce

Keep the peace

• Dealing with breakup and divorce is easiest when parents get along. Teens find it especially hard when their parents fight and argue or act with bitterness toward each other. You can’t do much to influence how your parents behave during a divorce, but you can ask them to do their best to call a truce to any bickering or unkind things they might be saying about each other. No matter what problems a couple may face, as parents they need to handle visiting arrangements peacefully to minimize the stress their kids may feel. Letting your parents know that even though you know everyone is super-stressed, you don’t want to get caught in the middle.

Be fair

• Most teens say it’s important that parents don’t try to get them to “take sides.” You need to feel free to hang out with and talk to each of your parents without the other parent acting jealous, hurt, or mad. It’s unfair for anyone to feel that talking to one parent is being disloyal to the other or that the burden of one parent’s happiness is on your shoulders. When parents find it hard to let go of bitterness or anger, or if they are depressed about the changes brought on by divorce, they can find help from a counselor or therapist. This can help parents get past the pain divorce may have created, to find personal happiness, and to lift any burdens from their kids. Kids and teens also can benefit from seeing a family therapist or someone who specializes in helping them get through the stress of a family breakup. It might feel weird at first to talk to someone you don’t know about personal feelings, but it can be really helpful to hear about how other teens in your situation have coped.

Keep in touch

• Going back and forth between two homes can be tough, especially if parents live far apart. It can be a good idea to keep in touch with a parent you see less often because of distance. Even a quick email saying “I’m thinking of you” helps ease the feelings of missing each other. Making an effort to stay in touch when you’re apart can keep both of you up to date on everyday activities and ideas.

Work it out

• You may want both parents to come to special events, like games, meets, plays, or recitals. But sometimes a parent may find it awkward to attend if the other is present. It helps if parents can figure out a way to make this work, especially because you may need to feel the support and presence of both parents even more during divorce. You might be able to come up with an idea for a compromise or solution to this problem and suggest it to both parents.

Talk about the future

• Many teens whose parents divorce worry that their own plans for the future could be affected. Some are concerned that the costs of divorce (like legal fees and expenses of two households) might mean there will be less money for college or other things. Pick a good time to tell your parents about your concerns — when there’s enough time to sit down with one or both parents to discuss how the divorce will affect you. Don’t worry about putting added stress on your parents, just try to pick a good time to talk when everyone is feeling calm. It’s better to bring your concerns into the open than to keep them to yourself and let worries or resentment build. There are solutions for most problems and advisors and counselors who can help teens and their parents find those solutions.

Figure out your strengths

• How do you deal with stress? Do you get angry and take it out on siblings, friends, or yourself? Or are you someone who is a more of a pleaser who puts others first? Do you tend to avoid conflict altogether and just hope that problems will magically disappear? A life-changing event like a breakup and divorce can put people through some tough times, but it can also help them learn about their strengths, and put in place some new coping skills. For example, how can you cope if one parent bad-mouths another? Sometimes staying quiet until the anger has subsided and then discussing it calmly with your mom or dad can help. You may want to tell them you have a right to love both your parents, no matter what they are doing to each other. If you need help figuring out your strengths or how to cope — like from a favorite aunt or from your school counselor — ask for it! And if you find it hard to confront your parents, try writing them a letter. Figure out what works for you.

Live your life

• Sometimes during a breakup and divorce, parents may be so caught up in their own changes it can feel like your own life is on hold. In addition to staying focused on your own plans and dreams, make sure you participate in as many of your normal activities as possible. When things are changing at home, it can really help to keep some things, such as school activities and friends, the same. If things get too hard at home, see if you can stay with a friend or relative until things calm down. Take care of yourself by eating right and getting regular exercise — two great stress busters! Figure out what’s important to you — spending time with friends, working hard at school, writing or drawing, or being great at basketball. Finding your inner strength and focusing on your own goals can really help your stress levels.

Let others support you

• Talk about your feelings and reactions to the divorce with someone you trust. Talking about emotionally painful events is natural and even useful, if you do it in a problem-solving way, or if you do it to get emotional validation. If you’re feeling down or upset, let your friends and family members support you. These feelings usually pass. If they don’t, and if you’re feeling depressed or stressed out, or if it’s hard to concentrate on your normal activities, let a counselor or therapist help you. Your parents, school counselor, or a doctor or other health professional can help you find one. Many communities and schools have support groups for kids and teens whose parents have divorced. It can really help to talk with other people your age who are going through similar experiences.