How to deal with a difficult child

Becoming a parent is one of the biggest role you’ll ever take on. It’s one of the few roles where there is little training. It’s natural for new parents to feel a little lost. Parents often have difficulty telling the difference between variations in normal behavior and true behavioral problems. In reality, the difference between normal and abnormal behavior is not always clear; usually it is a matter of degree or expectation. A fine line often divides normal from abnormal behavior, in part because what is “normal” depends upon the child’s level of development, which can vary greatly among children of the same age. Development can be uneven, too, with a child’s social development lagging behind his intellectual growth, or vice versa. In addition, “normal” behavior is in part determined by the context in which it occurs – that is, by the particular situation and time, as well as by the child’s own particular family values and expectations, and cultural and social background.

Starting at about 18 months, your child begins to understand that she is separate from you and can have some control over her world. One powerful way she can do this is by defying you. You say, “Do this,” and she says, “No!” The drive to assert oneself is useful. It motivates your child to want to do things for herself and make things happen—which builds her confidence and self-esteem. The key is to find ways to show your child how she can be in control and make her own choices in positive ways.

For information on how to deal with temper tantrums please go here: https://healthjade.com/how-to-deal-with-temper-tantrums/

Understanding your child’s unique developmental progress is necessary in order to interpret, accept or adapt his behavior (as well as your own). Remember, children have great individual variations of temperament, development and behavior.

If you are worried about your child’s behavior or development, or if you are uncertain as to how one affects the other, consult your pediatrician as early as possible, even if just to be reassured that your child’s behavior and development are within a normal range.

Things that can affect your child’s behavior

• Life changes – any change in a child’s life can be difficult for them. This could be the birth of a new baby, moving house, a change of childminder, starting playgroup or something much smaller.
• You’re having a difficult time – children are quick to notice if you’re feeling upset or there are problems in the family. They may behave badly when you feel least able to cope. If you’re having problems don’t blame yourself, but don’t blame your child either if they react with difficult behaviour.
• How you’ve handled difficult behavior before – sometimes your child may react in a particular way because of how you’ve handled a problem in the past. For example, if you’ve given your child sweets to keep them quiet at the shops, they may expect sweets every time you go there.
• Needing attention – your child might see a tantrum as a way of getting attention, even if it’s bad attention. They may wake up at night because they want a cuddle or some company. Try to give them more attention when they’re behaving well and less when they’re being difficult.

What you can do

1. Think Prevention

Think about the situations that are most likely to lead to toddler defiance and come up with workarounds. For example, if there are frequent battles over getting dressed in the morning, offer two outfits that work for you and allow your child to choose her favorite. If you know there’s a current issue—“no dresses” or “sparkly sneakers only”—make that preference part of the plan. Giving choices offers children a chance to feel in control in a way that’s positive.

If transitions are the trouble spot, plan ahead to make them easier. It can be helpful to give your child a warning before making the switch to whatever’s next. You can use an old-fashioned kitchen timer so she can actually see and track the time. Making a poster of pictures that show the steps in your daily routines can be useful as well. For example, pictures of tooth brushing, face washing, reading, and then bed show children what to expect. For older toddlers, give some concrete cues about transitions, like: “Three more times down the slide before it’s time to go.” Make sure to follow through (because negotiation and protests may still happen)—this helps your child learn that you mean what you say.

2. Respond with Empathy

Validate your child’s feelings. Remember that it’s not the child’s feelings that are the problem, it’s what the child does with his feelings that can be challenging. As parents, it’s easy to skip this step and go right to setting the limit. But acknowledging a child’s feelings first is very important because it lets him know that his feelings and opinions matter. Even though it may feel silly to say, “I hear how sad you feel that you can’t wear your dinosaur costume to preschool”, it sends the message that you understand your toddler’s perspective. When you skip this step, children often “pump up the volume” to show you—louder, harder, and stronger—just how upset they are. This is often when tantrums start.

For many children, it’s your empathy and validation that helps them start to calm down. Labeling your toddler’s feelings also helps her learn to be aware of her emotions and, eventually, to manage them. Keep your language simple and direct: “I know you don’t want to put your pajamas on. It’s hard to go from playtime to bedtime.”

3. Set Clear Limits

Set the limit. “It is time for bed now. You need to sleep so your body can get some rest and grow big and strong.” Use language your child understands. Keep it short and clear, but not threatening.

Use humor and imagination. Either strategy takes the intensity out of the situation and avoids a power struggle. See how your child’s PJ bottoms look on your head as a hat or on his favorite stuffed animal. Talk about the situation from another point of view: “Your teddy is soooo tired. He wants to go to sleep and wants you to cuddle with him.”

Enforce the limit. If none of these strategies work (and sometimes they won’t), calmly and firmly set the limit. “You can get into the car seat or I can put you in. You can choose.” If your child resists, then (without anger) pick her up and strap her in. In a soothing tone of voice, you might say something like: “I know, you hate getting in the car seat. I understand. But the car seat keeps you safe on the drive to Grandma’s house.”

Avoid giving in. If you give in to tantrums, your child learns that if he pushes hard enough, he’ll get what he wants. This will also make it more difficult for you the next time you try to enforce a limit.

4. Pick Your Battles

Think in advance about the limit you are going to set so that you can avoid changing your mind mid-stream. For example, one mom insisted her 2-year-old wear a long-sleeve shirt on a winter day. Her daughter insisted on wearing her favorite t-shirt. About 5 minutes into the tantrum, the mother realized that this was an unnecessary battle. Her daughter would be wearing a coat outside and the child care center was heated. But she worried that allowing her daughter to wear the t-shirt at this point would teach her daughter that throwing a tantrum is a good strategy to get what she wants. The easiest way to avoid an unnecessary battle is to take a few seconds to ask yourself: “Is this a limit I really need to set?” (Note: This is excellent practice for the teen years, too!)

5. Try not to overreact

This can be difficult. When your child does something annoying time after time, your anger and frustration can build up.

It’s impossible not to show your irritation sometimes, but try to stay calm. Move on to other things you can both enjoy or feel good about as soon as possible.

Find other ways to cope with your frustration, like talking to other parents.

6. Talk to your child

Children don’t have to be able to talk to understand. It can help if they understand why you want them to do something. For example, explain why you want them to hold your hand while crossing the road.

Once your child can talk, encourage them to explain why they’re angry or upset. This will help them feel less frustrated.

7. Be positive about the good things

When a child’s behavior is difficult, the things they do well can be overlooked. Tell your child when you’re pleased about something they’ve done. You can let your child know when you’re pleased by giving them attention, a hug or a smile.

8. Offer rewards

You can help your child by rewarding them for behaving well. For example, praise them or give them their favourite food for tea.

If your child behaves well, tell them how pleased you are. Be specific. Say something like, “Well done for putting your toys back in the box when I asked you to.”

Don’t give your child a reward before they’ve done what they were asked to do. That’s a bribe, not a reward.

9. Avoid smacking

Smacking may stop a child doing what they’re doing at that moment, but it doesn’t have a lasting positive effect.

Children learn by example so, if you hit your child, you’re telling them that hitting is okay. Children who are treated aggressively by their parents are more likely to be aggressive themselves. It’s better to set a good example instead.

10. Find Support

Still feeling stumped or frustrated? If your child’s behavior makes it hard for him to make and enjoy friends, explore and learn, or have a good relationship with you, then reach out to your child’s health care provider or a child development professional for additional guidance. An assessment done by an early childhood professional can also provide new insights into your child’s behavior and how you can help him better manage his emotions.

Challenging Behaviors

As young children are just beginning to develop self-control, challenging behavior is common and expected in the years from birth to three years of age.

Young children are also developing self-regulation—the ability to calm or regulate themselves when they are upset. This process leads to some challenging moments for both adults and children. Learn more about how to respond to challenging behaviors like crying, aggression and defiance, and how to support your child’s development of self-control and self-regulation. Watch how parents and caregivers can set age-appropriate limits for young children who are learning to cope with their emotions.

The year between age 2 and age 3 is an exciting one. Toddlers are realizing that they are separate individuals from their parents and caregivers. This means that they are driven to assert themselves, to communicate their likes and dislikes, and to act independently (as much as they can!). Toddlers are also developing the language skills that help them express their ideas, wants, and needs.

At the same time, toddlers do not understand logic and still have a hard time with waiting and self-control. In a nutshell: Two-year-olds want what they want when they want it. This is why you may be hearing things like “no” and “me do it” and “no diaper change!” more than ever before.

Here are some important factors that influence young children’s behavior that are helpful to keep in mind when dealing with challenging behaviors:

1. Young children are driven by emotions, not logic, so irrational behavior is normal and to be expected. The part of the brain that controls emotions and actions — that allows us to think, plan and problem-solve — doesn’t start to develop until close to age 3. Most kids cannot consistently self-regulate until age 5 or 6; even then, it is a skill that most of us are working on into adulthood.
2. Toddlers are becoming increasingly aware that they are separate beings—that they can have different thoughts and feelings from others. This means that while they want to sleep in your bed, they know this is not what you have in mind. This new cognitive milestone, coupled with toddlers’ innate drive to exert some control over their world, leads to an all-out effort to bring you around to their way of thinking. They are extremely clever and will try any and all tactics at their disposal (calling you names, threatening to never go to sleep, or throwing a knock-down-drag-out tantrum, to name a few). This is often what many parents call “manipulation,” but it is strategic, as beautifully illustrated by this shrewd three-year-old. When she cried out for food every night after she was put to bed (not more than 15 minutes after having passed up the snack offered at book-reading time), her parents appeared at her bedside, snacks in hand. The next morning she told her dad, “I just want to let you know that tonight after you put me to bed I am going to be very hungry!”
3. Toddlers have strong feelings but few tools for managing them at this young age. Think about it—many adults are still working on being aware of their feelings and choosing to act on them in healthy ways.

Here’s what you can do:

Children’s abilities for recognizing, understanding and managing their emotions or feelings are influenced by the ways the adults who care for them acknowledge and respond to their feelings. When children learn to manage their emotions they are also better able to manage their behavior. Parents and carers can provide important support and guidance for children’s emotional development.

Helpful ways of supporting children’s emotional development

Listen and validate the child’s emotional experience. Listen to what children say and acknowledge their feelings. This helps children to identify emotions and understand how they work. Being supported in this way helps children work out how to manage their emotions. You might say, “You look worried. Is something on your mind?” or “It sounds like you’re really angry. Let’s talk about it.”

View emotions as an opportunity for connecting and teaching. Children’s emotional reactions provide ‘teachable moments’ for helping them understand emotions and learn effective ways to manage them. You might say, “I can see you’re really frustrated about having to wait for what you want. Why don’t we read a story while we’re waiting?”

Encourage problem-solving to manage emotions. Help children develop their skills for managing emotions by helping them think of different ways they could respond. You might say, “What would help you feel brave?” or “How else could you look at this?”

Stay in control when your child is spiraling out of control. Managing your emotions and reactions is one of most important parenting tools at your disposal. When parents get reactive and emotional, it tends to escalate the child’s upset and intensify power struggles. When your child is losing it, she needs you to be her rock and stay sane and rational.

Keep in mind that you can’t actually make your child do anything–eat, sleep, pee, poop, talk, or stop having a tantrum. What you do have control over is how you respond to your children’s actions, as this is what guides and shapes their behavior. If throwing a tantrum results in extra iPad time, a later bedtime, or simply getting more of your attention, your toddler is putting two and two together, making an important assessment: “Excellent strategy! Put that one in the win column.”

This is not manipulation, it is a smart calculation, and means you are raising a really competent kid. He is figuring out successful ways to get what he wants, which is awesome. It is our job is to teach our kids which strategies are effective and which aren’t. So any behaviors you don’t want him to rely on can’t be successful, or what would be the motivation to give them up?

Show empathy and validate the feeling. “I know the blue shirt is your favorite and you are really disappointed that you can’t wear it today, but it’s in the wash.” It isn’t feelings that are the problem, it’s how they get acted on that can be problematic. The more you validate feelings, the less likely children are to have to act on them.

Set the limit in a supportive way and provide acceptable choices. Set limits on inappropriate behavior so that children understand that having feelings is okay, but acting inappropriately is not. You might say, “I know you’re upset that your friend couldn’t make it over, but that does not make it okay to yell at me.” Or “your choice today is the red or yellow shirt.” If your child refuses the “choices you are choicing” him, then you let him know that you will make the choice. He may throw a fit. As calmly as you can, put a shirt on him and move along so he experiences the consequence of his actions. That is how children ultimately learn to make good decisions—by experiencing the outcomes of their choices and assessing which get them what they want and which don’t. If a tantrum leads to you taking that blue shirt out of the laundry, you:

1. give him the false expectation that he will get everything he wants, making it harder for him to learn to be flexible and accept alternatives—a critical life skill for getting along in the world;
2. send him the message that tantrums or refusal to cooperate are successful strategies, which he will naturally continue to rely on; and
3. communicate that you don’t think he can handle this disappointment, a missed opportunity for him to experience that he can indeed survive wearing a different shirt—building flexibility and important coping skills.

Learn from your mistakes and made some course corrections. It’s never too late.

UNHELPFUL things to AVOID

Dismissing children’s emotions

Telling children not to feel the way they do (eg, by saying, “Don’t be scared/sad/angry”), can lead children to believe that their emotions are wrong and they are bad for having them. Remember that all feelings are okay and for children to learn how to manage them they first need to be acknowledged and understood.

Lying to children about situations to avoid emotional reactions

Telling children things like, “It won’t hurt a bit” (when you know it will), can actually increase the emotional reaction. It teaches them not trust the person who has lied. It is important to communicate with children about difficult situations that affect them in ways they can understand. Providing information to children at their level, with reassurance, helps them be prepared and work out ways to manage their emotional responses.

Shaming children for their emotions

Sometimes adults tease children about their emotional responses or try to talk them out of feeling a certain way, which can lead feelings of shame. Saying things like, “Why are you crying like a baby?” or “You’re such a scaredy-cat!” undermines children’s confidence. Instead of helping them to feel brave it may lead them to feel guilty for experiencing that emotion.

Ignoring children’s emotional responses

Sometimes adults may think that the child will just grow out of their emotional responses and ignore them. This can communicate to children that their emotions are unimportant and limits their opportunities to learn effective ways of managing their emotions.

How to handle a difficult child

As your child begins to understand independence and control, learn how to respond to difficult defiant behavior so that your little one will begin to learn about limits and self-control.

It is a toddler’s job to be defiant. This is the period in your child’s development when she begins to understand that she is separate from you and is naturally eager to seek out more independence and control over her world. The problem, of course, is that while their desire to be their own person is coming into full gear, toddlers have not yet mastered self control. They are still driven by their needs, wants, and impulses, not by logic and reason. For better or worse, toddlers’ most frustrating behaviors are usually quite normal and developmentally appropriate.

It’s important to keep in mind that some toddlers are simply, by nature, more likely to be defiant than others. Children whose emotional reactions are big and intense, as well as children who are more cautious and fearful, may be more difficult than children who are easy going and flexible. They tend to have a more difficult time with change and therefore protest, especially at transition times (e.g., getting into the car seat, bedtime, or going to a new place), as these experiences can be quite stressful for them.

Consider Your Family

No two children or families are alike. Thinking about the following questions can help you adapt and apply the information and strategies below to your unique child and family.

• What does your child tend to be most difficult about? What do these things have in common? Why do you think this is? How can this understanding help you help your child cope better?
• How do you respond when your child is being defiant? What works? What doesn’t? What can you learn from this?

What you can do

Read below about ways to respond to your toddler’s defiant behavior so that your little one will begin to learn about limits and self-control.

Validate your child’s feelings

• “I know you don’t want to put your pajamas on. It’s hard to go from playtime to bedtime.”

Set the limit

• “But it’s time for sleep so you can grow big and strong.”

Offer a few choices (acceptable to you)

• “Do you want to put your PJs on before or after we read books?” You might also give your child a choice between two pairs of pajamas she wants to wear. Choices give children some control in positive ways and can reduce defiance.

Use humor

This is a great way to lighten up the moment. You might put your child’s PJ bottoms on your head, or see if they fit onto his favorite stuffed animal. Humor gives everyone a chance to cool off.

Encourage your child to use his imagination

For a child who refuses to go to bed: “Teddy is soooo tired. He wants you to cuddle with him to help him fall asleep.” Or, when a child refuses to clean up: “These cars want to go back in the basket with their friends. Let’s race to see who can get more cars in there the fastest!”

Enforce the limit without anger

If none of these strategies work, and your child is still digging in her heels, calmly and firmly implement the limit. “You can get into the car seat or I can put you in. You decide.” If she resists, then calmly but firmly (not angrily) pick her up and strap her in. In a soothing voice tell her you know that she hates getting in the car seat, but it keeps her safe—and that’s your number one job.

Help your child recover

Pay no attention to the tantrum. Just start talking about something totally unrelated: “Wow, look at that big doggie coming down the street.”
Ignoring the behaviors you want to eliminate is the fastest way to be rid of them.

The exception to this rule is if your child is hurting himself or someone else—that is, hitting, slapping, punching, and so on. Then stop him from the aggressive behavior and calmly but sternly say, “No hitting. You can feel mad, but you cannot hit. Hitting hurts.”

Avoid giving in

If you give into tantrums, your child learns that if she pushes hard enough, she’ll get what she wants. This will also make it more difficult the next time you try to enforce a limit.

How to deal with a whining child

Why do children whine?

• It’s the best they can do in the moment. Young children are not yet able to self-regulate very well (or calm their feelings and bodies so they can respond to stressors in appropriate ways). Sometimes whining signals when a child is beginning to lose control and needs an adult to help her calm down.
• Toddlers don’t have the words they need. Young children often lack the words to communicate their feelings and needs (I’m sad about sharing or I’m too warm in this sweater!). Whining is sometimes a child’s best effort at communication.
• They are overwhelmed or run down. Children often whine when their emotional gas tank is on empty. Think about the last time your child ate or slept (and offer one or both). Did she have a tough day? Has she been dealing with a lot of changes lately?

Whining can get you charged up. It always helps if you calm yourself before responding. Take a deep breath and then act.

Here’s what you can do:

• Cuddle your child and offer gentle comfort to help her begin to regulate.
• Take a moment to be a detective—what might the whining mean? Look for the child’s need and try to meet it. Then model what he can say to have his needs met in more acceptable ways.
• Offer soothing. A child who is overwhelmed needs compassion and a parent’s help to feel calm again.

If whining is at an all-time high (when your child is between 2 and 4 years old), you may need some additional strategies:

• Name your child’s feelings. People can’t be talked out of what they feel. It works much better to recognize their experience. By naming how children are feeling, you let them know you see and understand. (This is true even when his upset seems silly to you—like having to wear his panda shirt instead of his striped shirt.) A parent might say, “You are feeling sad. You wanted your striped shirt today, and it’s dirty. That’s hard.”
• Get closer and offer comfort. Children need to feel close and connected to their parents and caregivers to function well. Often, getting closer to a whining child can calm her. This doesn’t mean that you are “giving in.” It means you are a great parent who is giving your child what she needs: “Your voice tells me you might need a snuggle.”
• Try a silly game, a distraction, or a choice. Use a funny voice, pretend to be a rabbit, or do some silly fake sneezes. Distract your child by pointing to the garbage truck outside. Or offer a choice: “No cookies, but would you like cheese or a banana?” These little tricks can sometimes shift a child’s mood.
• Change the story you’re telling yourself. So often you hear whining and judge your child’s behavior (as spoiled or demanding). But the way you see a behavior shapes how you respond to it. The truth is that whining is completely normal for toddlers. Knowing this behavior is normal, you can respond from a place of compassion instead of from a place of anger and frustration.

And one important strategy to use when your child isn’t whining: Pay attention to the times when your child is able to express a need without whining: “You were hungry and asked for a snack in a calm and kind voice—thank you!” or even someday: “Thanks for keeping your cool when I said ‘no.’”

How To Handle Strong Feelings

As a parent, your job is to help your young toddler navigate the tide of strong emotions she is experiencing this year. This is no small task, because the emotional lives of 2-year-olds are complex. This year they are beginning to experience feelings like pride, shame, guilt, and embarrassment for the first time.

Older toddlers are a lot like teenagers. Their feelings may swing wildly from moment to moment. They may be joyful when getting a popsicle and then despair when it drips on their hands. So toddlers really need your loving guidance to figure out how to cope with their emotions. Your child is struggling with this when:

• He has a meltdown when you can’t understand his words
• She says no when she means yes (you are offering her a favorite treat)
• He gets so angry that he might throw a toy
• She cannot settle for a substitute—if the purple pajamas are in the wash, she is inconsolable (even though you have offered the pink ones, the polka dot ones, the ones with the cupcake patch on the front, etc.)
• He acts out when frustrated—will give up or get angry when he can’t figure out how to make the jack-in-the-box work

Your child is learning to manage strong feelings when he:

• Uses words or actions to get your attention or ask for help
• Talks to himself in a reassuring way when he is frustrated or frightened. For example, he might say to himself, Daddy will come back, after you drop him off at child care. Or, I can build this again after his block tower collapses
• Re-enacts a stressful event, like a doctor’s visit
• Uses words like I’m mad rather than throwing or hitting
• Tells you the rules or shows that she feels badly about breaking rules. For example, your child might say no to herself as she does something off-limits, like opening the fridge. Or he might tell you at the park, Don’t walk in front of the swings.

Practicing Self-Control

When you see challenging behavior, it usually means that your child can’t figure out how to express her feelings in an acceptable way or doesn’t know how to get a need met. What helps your child learn is when your response shows her a different, more constructive way to handle these feelings.

Learning to cope with strong feelings usually happens naturally as children develop better language skills in their third year and have more experience with peers, handling disappointment, and following rules. Although children won’t completely master self-control until they are school-age (and practice it all their lives!), here are some ideas for helping your toddler begin to learn this important skill:

Talk about feelings and how to cope

Read books and notice aloud how the characters are feeling: The dog is really happy that he got a bone. And share your own feelings: I just spilled the baby’s milk. I feel really frustrated! Will you help me wipe it up? Wow, it feels so good to have your help. When your child can label how he is feeling, it helps him gain control over his emotions and communicate them to others.

Once your child has named his feelings, you can suggest what he might do to feel better or solve the problem. This helps him learn what to do in the future when he faces a similar challenge. For example, if he is sad because his grandparents just left after a 2-week visit, you can suggest looking at photos of them or drawing them a picture.

Offer your child ideas for how to manage strong emotions

Young children need guidance when it comes to figuring out how to deal with big feelings like anger, sadness, and frustration. So when your child is really angry, validate what he is experiencing: You are really angry right now because I said no more television.

Then suggest that he jump up and down, cuddle up in a cozy area for alone time, paint an angry picture or some other strategy that you feel is appropriate. What’s important is to teach your child that there are many options for expressing his feelings in healthy, non-hurtful ways.

Empathize with your child

It’s okay to let her know that you understand the choices she is being offered are not the ones she wants: We have to leave now to go to Ms. Kelly’s house. I know you want to stay home with daddy. You miss me and I miss you during the day. But staying home is not a choice today. Daddy has to go to work. But when we get home, we will finish the puzzle we started and have a yummy dinner. Do you want to get into the car seat yourself or do you want me to put you in?

Give your child a visual aid to make waiting easier

If your child has to wait until his oatmeal has cooled down, show him the steam rising from the bowl. Tell him that when the steam goes away, you can test the oatmeal on a spoon to see if it is cool enough. If you need to help your child brush her teeth for 2 minutes each day, use an egg timer so she can watch the countdown. Need 10 minutes to fold some clothes? Set a kitchen timer so that your child can keep track.

Timers are also great tools for helping children learn to share. Give them each a few minutes—using the timer—to play with a toy they both want, like the shiny new tricycle parked out back. It’s also helpful to state the obvious: It’s hard to wait sometimes, isn’t it?

Let your child make choices appropriate to her age

Some examples include: what to wear (perhaps offer 2 choices) and what to eat (within reason), what to play, who to play with. This gives her a feeling of control and supports her growing confidence and sense of competency (the belief that “I can do it”).

Offering choices also helps head off the “Not That One” game where you keep offering your child different things and he keeps saying “Not that one, the other one!” Instead, try giving your child 3 choices and let him pick: You can have an apple, a string cheese, or a bagel for snack. What sounds good to you?

Look for ways to help your child “practice” self-control

There are many daily moments when you can teach your child this skill. For example, games that require turn-taking are great for practicing how to wait and share. Rolling a ball back and forth is an example. This game gives children the chance to wait and control their impulse to grab the ball. You can also take turns hitting a soft foam ball off a tee.

Or try acting out a story. Pretend play offers many chances to wait, take turns, and negotiate as children decide how the story will unfold. Another idea is playing “sharing music” where each of you chooses an instrument to play and set an egg-timer for 1 minute. When the timer goes off, switch instruments and set the timer again.

Coping With Aggression and Teaching Self-Control

In order to follow rules and understand limits, children need to develop self-control. Help your young child begin to develop self-control and rely less on aggressive behaviors to communicate needs and feelings.

Self-control and self-regulation are complex skills that begin to emerge in the early months of life and are more consistently apparent between four and five years of age. Self-regulation takes many years to fully develop — and adults may still struggle with this skill occasionally! Young children learn self-control through interactions with peers, parents, and other loving adults.

Although babies sometimes do things that appear and feel aggressive (like grab our hair), they do not yet have the thinking skills to act hurtfully on purpose. So if your 6-month-old bites you on the arm or your 12-month-old takes a whack at you, it is not because they are trying to “get you”. They are not yet able to control their feelings or use words to communicate their thoughts. Over time, they learn right from wrong when you are clear and consistent with rules.

Starting at about 18 months, toddlers are learning that they are separate from their parents and are eager to act as independently as they can. But they have limited self-control and have not yet learned to wait, share, and take turns. And while they are learning more words everyday, they still rely heavily on their actions to communicate. When they are angry, frustrated, tired, or overwhelmed, they may hit, push, slap, grab, kick, or bite to tell you, I’m mad! Or, I’m exhausted! Or, I’m over my limit and need a break.

First, Consider Your Family

No two children or families are alike. Thinking about the following questions can help you apply the information below to your own child and family.

• What kinds of situations usually lead to your child acting aggressively? Why do you think this is?
• When your child acts in ways that seem aggressive, how do you typically react? Do you think this reaction is helpful to your child or not? Why?

Respond in Age Appropriate Ways

Help your young child begin to develop self-control and rely less on aggressive behaviors to communicate needs and feelings.

From Birth to 12 Months

For babies aged birth to 12 months, set the limit in a clear, firm voice (without anger). Then, redirect your baby’s attention. If she’s pulling on your hair, hold out a toy instead. If she is playing with the TV remote, offer her a toy with buttons to push.

From 12 Months and On

When toddlers are aggressive, it usually means they are out of control and need help to calm down before any learning can take place. The following strategies can help you help your child learn to manage her feelings and develop self-control:

• Stay calm. The calmer you are, the more quickly your child will calm down.
• Recognize your child’s feeling or goal. Let your child know that you understand what he wants to do: You want to stay longer at the playground, and are mad we have to leave. It’s okay to be mad, but it is not okay to hit Mommy. Hitting hurts.
• Use gestures along with your words to communicate with your toddler. Use a calm, firm (not angry) voice. At the same time, use a “stop” or “no-no” gesture. You might say, No hitting, hitting hurts, as you take his hand and hold it by his side, firmly but not angrily.
• Offer alternatives. Give your child acceptable ways to reach his goal. Instead of throwing balls in the house, offer your child a soft sponge ball to toss inside, or take him outside for “pitching” practice.
• Try a distraction. Ignore your child’s tantrum and, instead, do something she doesn’t expect: point to a bird outside, start to read a book she loves, or pick up an interesting toy and start to play with it. The bottom line is that young children want attention, and lots of it. When you ignore the tantrum, they tend to give it up much more quickly and accept one of the activities you are offering.
• Suggest ways to manage strong emotions. When your child is really angry, suggest that he jump up and down, kick a ball, rip paper, cuddle with a teddy bear, or use some other strategy that you feel is appropriate. This teaches your child to express strong feelings in healthy, non-hurtful ways.
• Help your child take a break. Some children calm more quickly when they can be by themselves in a safe, quiet place. This is not punishment. It helps children learn to soothe themselves and regain control. When your child pulls herself together, tell her what a good job she did calming herself down.

Parenting strategies for managing aggression in young children

Ask any parent whether she wants her child to be an aggressive person and you are likely to get more than one answer. After all, aggression is associated with both approved and disapproved behavior in our minds and in our society—both with the energy and purpose that help us to actively master the challenges of life and with hurtful actions and destructive forces.

Most of us want our children to be able to take a stand for themselves when others treat them roughly. We hope that they will not start fights but if attacked will be able to cope with the attacker and not be overwhelmed. A child’s learning to find a healthy balance between too much and too little aggressive behavior is probably the most difficult task of growing up.

According to developmental theory, aggressive impulses or drives are born in the human child and are a crucial aspect of the psychological life-force and of survival. In the course of healthy development, these drives are normally expressed in various behaviors at different ages and, with assistance from parents and others, are gradually brought under the control of the individual—moderated, channeled, and regulated, but by no means stamped out.

Aggression is Part of Healthy Development

During the first year, infants are not often thought of as behaving aggressively, and yet encounters in which an infant pushes, pulls, or exerts force against another are signs of the outwardly directed energy and assertiveness that reflect the healthy maturation of aggression. But the 9-month old who pulls your hair does not know that it might hurt—it is done in the same exuberant, playful spirit that is seen in other activities. It is only in the second year, when the child develops a better awareness of his separateness as a person—of “me” and “you”—that he can begin to understand that he is angry at someone and behave with intentional force. We do not usually talk about a child’s being cruel or hostile toward others until some time during the second year. Even then, he does not know enough about cause and effect to understand the consequences of his action or how to regulate this behavior toward others. When your 15-month-old smashes a fragile object, he is caught up in the pleasure of assertiveness, not anticipating its result.

Parents sometimes talk about their toddler who “knows better” than to hit or bite. They believe this is so because when he is scolded, he looks ashamed. What the toddler understands is not that he has hurt someone or destroyed something but that he has earned the disapproval of his parents. Conversely, when praised for being gentle with another, he knows and is pleased that he is approved of for that behavior at that moment. It will take time and many reminders before he can understand that not hitting or biting applies to many situations. Young children, particularly those under 3½, scarcely know their own strength. The differences between a kiss and a bite, between patting and hitting, between nudging and pushing someone down are not automatically understood and children need many reminders: such as, “Let me show you how to pat the baby (or the family dog or Daddy’s cheek)”; “Patting feels nice. Hitting can hurt”; or “Do it softly (or gently), like this.”

Learning “What to Expect” at Different Ages and Stages

As is true of the young child’s development in other areas, there are steps and phases in the socialization of aggression, and it is worth your while to learn something about what kind of behavior to expect at various ages. If you understand what an infant or toddler or a 4-year-old is capable of, you can adjust your own actions and teaching to realistic expectations and save yourself worry and frustration. You don’t need the anxiety of imagining that your toddler who gets very angry and has very little control over his aggression when frustrated or upset is destined to become an angry, destructive, uncontrolled 4- or 10- or 20-year-old. On the other hand, if your 4-year-old has frequent aggressive outbursts and seems not to be concerned about the effect of his aggression, or even seems to enjoy hurting others, you are correct in being worried and in seeking ways to help him toward healthier behavior.

Parenting Strategies for Managing Aggression in Very Young Children

How then do parents moderate and channel their child’s aggression without stamping it out by being too severe? While there is no exact recipe, here are 12 suggestions that may help you to provide your child with the guidance he needs.

1. Limits are part of loving. Keep in mind that your child’s feeling loved and affectionately cared for builds the foundation for his acceptance of the guidance you will provide as he grows. Children who feel loved want to please their parents most of the time and will respond to their guidance. Putting reasonable restrictions on your child’s behavior is part of loving him, just as are feeding, comforting, playing, and responding to his wishes.
2. Try to figure out what triggered your child’s aggressive behavior. Ask yourself what might have happened that set him off—your behavior or that of another person, or something else in the situation; perhaps he is overtired or not feeling well physically. Being rushed, abruptly handled, being denied something he wants, even being unable to do something he has tried to do with a toy or physical activity often produces feelings of frustration and anger that result in aggressive behavior.
3. Use what you know. Make use of what you know about your child’s temperament, rhythms, preferences, and sensitivities. For example, if you know that he is irritable or ill-humored for the first hour of the day or gets very out of sorts when tired or hungry, you won’t pick that time to ask a great deal in the way of control.
4. Be clear. Tell your child what you want him to do or not do in a specific situation (but try not to give a long lecture). Your child will be aware of your displeasure from your tone of voice as well as from what you say. It is important that you try to be clear about your disapproval. However, long lectures and dire predictions are usually counterproductive. Telling a 3-year-old child that she can’t have any television for 2 weeks if she hits her baby brother may upset her, but it is unlikely to help her understand and develop her own controls. A better reason is that you don’t want her to hit him because it hurts. That you don’t like the behavior is your most effective message. It helps any young child who has earned the disapproval of a parent to be reminded that she is loved even when you don’t like the behavior.
5. Be a careful observer. When your young child is playing with other children, keep an eye on the situation but try not to hover. What begins as playful scuffling or run and chase or sharing toys can quickly move into a battle between children, and they may need a referee. However, there are times when you can let young children work things out among themselves. Age makes a difference, of course.
6. Use redirection. When your child is being aggressive in ways you don’t like, stop the behavior and give him something else to do. You may either suggest and help start a new activity or perhaps guide him to a place where he can discharge aggressive feelings without doing harm to himself, to anyone else, to toys, or to the family pet. For example, a corner in which there is something to punch or bang or throw at can be utilized. You can say, for example, “If you feel like hitting, go and hit your pillow (or punching bag), but you can’t hit the dog (or bang the table with a hammer).” Such an opportunity not only helps the child discharge some aggressive feelings but also helps him understand that there can be a time and place provided for such actions.
7. Be a coach. When time permits, demonstrate how to handle a situation in which there is conflict between children. For instance, if your child is old enough, you can teach him a few words to use in order to avoid or settle a conflict. A 2-year-old can be helped to hold on to a toy and say “no” or “mine” instead of always pushing or crying when another child tries to take a toy. Children need specific suggestions and demonstrations from adults in order to learn that there are effective ways to handle disagreements that are more acceptable than physical attack and retaliation.
8. Use language. If your child has language skills, help him explain what he is angry about. If you are able to guess and he cannot say, do it for him, such as, “I guess you’re mad because you can’t go to play with Johnny. I know how you feel, but it’s too late to go today” (or whatever the reason is).
9. Ask yourself if you are sending “mixed messages” to your child about his aggressiveness. If you say “Don’t hit” or “Be nice” while you are not so secretly enjoying your child’s aggressive behavior toward someone else, he will be confused, and such confusions tend to make it more difficult to develop self-control.
10. Be a role model. Keep in mind that parents are the most important models for behavior and how to use aggression in a healthy way. If social exchanges in your family include much arguing or physical fighting in the presence or hearing of your children, you can count on their picking it up. Home environments like these can be unsafe and unhealthy for everyone in the family. If you are coping with a violent partner, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support, shelter, or services, or visit Stop Family Violence for more information on getting the support and help you need.
11. Avoid spanking. Think about the very real disadvantages of physical punishment for your child. Children often arouse anger in adults when they provoke, tease, behave stubbornly, or attack others. If your practice is to hit or physically punish your child in some other way for such behavior, you need to think very carefully about what he learns from that.
12. Be patient; learning takes time. Your child’s learning to love and live in reasonable harmony with others comes about only gradually and over many years. For you as parents there will always be ups and downs, periods when you despair of “civilizing” your child or when you will worry that he will be too timid for the rigors of the world. While living from day to day with the pleasures and frustrations of being a parent, it is also important to keep the long view in mind: there is a positive momentum to development. This forward thrust of your child’s growth and development actually works in favor of his acquiring the ability to channel and productively use those aggressive energies that are a vital part of our makeup.

Are Time-Outs Helpful or Harmful to Young Children?

“Giving children (and parents!) space to calm themselves can be helpful, not harmful” ¹

A number of recent articles in popular media ², ³ that denounce the use of time-outs have sent many parents, understandably, into a tailspin. Critics believe that instead of helping children calm down, time-outs have the opposite effect—causing children to become even more distressed and “dysregulated,” or out of control. Further, children can become so overwhelmed by the disruption in their relationship with their parent during time-out (and by the shame they feel for being “bad”) that their emotional upset increases and their likelihood of learning from the experience decreases. But all of these negative outcomes assume that time-out is approached with anger, shaming, and harshness by the parent. When implemented this way—as punishment—time-out can no doubt be detrimental to the child.

Opponents of time-out often suggest “time-in,” which entails a parent physically comforting a child to calm him or her, no doubt a great strategy. But as anyone who has been the parent or caregiver of a young child knows, there are times when children are so out of control—throwing objects, kicking, hitting, biting—that they cannot accept comfort and in fact, the more the parent tries to soothe the child, the more out of control she gets. She’s on system overload. At these times, parents are also pushed to their emotional limit, their last nerve worked. When emotions (and cortisol levels in the brain) are sky-high, a break for both parent and child can be a healthier solution than an ongoing battle. Sure, in a perfect world, parents would be able to manage their reactions (indeed, the lion’s share of my work with parents is on helping them learn this very skill). But alas, parents are also human, and as hard as we may work on controlling our emotions, there are times when the only way that is going to happen is when we can take a break from the intensity of the moment.

In this situation, giving the child a break can actually be a positive parenting strategy. The critical factor is the way this break is implemented. When done calmly and lovingly, it can be an important opportunity to prevent further escalation, to provide both child and parent a chance to regain control, and to then come back together to solve the problem when both are calm. There are a range of ways to do this, including the ideas below that families in my practice have used with success.

Create a special, safe space

Establish the “cozy corner”, “safe space” or the “peace place.” Child psychologists recommend parents talk with the child in advance about the purpose of this “safe space”—that it is where people in their family go when they are losing control and need a break. Child psychologists suggest parents also use it to take a break themselves, which can serve as some very powerful role modeling. Parents include children in designing the space, giving them choices of acceptable items that can be included. One family put a small nylon teepee in their child’s room, which provided a sense of boundary and comfort. When a parent assesses that a break is needed, it is done calmly and lovingly. Even if you are holding your child out at arm’s length to avoid his kicks and swatting at you, as calmly as possible, take him to his break place and let him know that you can’t wait until he can calm himself so that you can play again. Separations aren’t inherently or automatically harmful to young children. When separations are framed and approached lovingly and supportively—not punitively—they can be caring, not callous.

Keep expectations for what the break will accomplish in check

Children—especially those under 3 years old—do not yet have the ability to reflect on their own actions and behavior. This means that the goal of taking a break is not self-reflection (“Gee, I wonder why I let my emotions get the best of me—I really shouldn’t have thrown that train” is beyond most 2-year-olds), but to provide a quiet place where children can move from a state of high agitation and upset to a sense of calm. The break offers the space for both parent and child to regroup, and then come back together to talk about what the child could do the next time this situation arises. No learning takes place when children are in an agitated, emotionally flooded state.

Choose a time limit best suited to your child

One approach is to have the break end when the child is calm. Another option is to set a timer for 3 to 5 minutes, then go back to the child and check in. At this point, she may still be upset, but if she is no longer out of control and is willing to accept being comforted, you can help her move on. Remember, you’re not giving in to whatever caused the original upset—you’re just helping her learn to calm herself and to accept an alternative, for example, reading a book together instead of playing on the tablet that you had taken away, which caused the tantrum.

Ignore the behavior but not the child

If a child is out of control but not harming herself or others, it can be very effective to just ignore the behavior. If a child is having a tantrum because you took away toys that he was throwing, acknowledge his anger (which is neither right nor wrong—it just is) and then move on. You might let him know you are going to make dinner and would love a helper when he is calm and ready. Or pick up one of his favorite books and start reading it aloud. This communicates that you are still a loving, present parent, ready and eager to engage, but that you’re not going to participate in or fuel his tantrum.

Using breaks mindfully, as a tool to help young children learn to cope with their strong emotions, is all about the way it’s done. Breakdowns are evidence that children are having a hard time coping with one of life’s inevitable frustrations or disappointments. They are not purposefully misbehaving, they are just reacting. Their intense emotions—and limited skills in self-regulation—sometimes cause them to lose control over their minds and bodies. A short break from interaction can help them cool down. In the context of a loving, strong parent-child relationship, giving children (and parents) this space to calm themselves can be helpful, not harmful.

Your Child’s Temperament

Temperament describes a child’s personal “style” – the way he or she experiences the world. Temperament shapes a child’s behavior and development in significant ways, so understanding a child’s temperament is very important for nurturing his healthy development.

Temperament shapes the way you and your child experience the world and interact with others. It is the collection of characteristics – emotional intensity, sensory reactivity, activity level, adaptability, persistence – that makes each of you unique.

Temperament is biologically based, part of the unique wiring of each individual’s nervous system. Your child did not choose his or temperament.

Children are born with their own ways of responding to the world. Their personalities, likes and dislikes, and the ways they react to situations, may vary a lot. These kinds of differences are known as temperaments. Understanding your child’s temperament can help you choose parenting strategies that nurture your child’s development. These kinds of differences in temperament can mean that parenting strategies that worked well with one child may not work so well with another.

Temperament characteristics

Generally, there are five characteristics that describe an individual’s temperament:

1. Emotional intensity and reactivity
2. Activity level
3. Sociability
4. Reaction and Coping to change
5. Frustration tolerance

Temperament is not something your child chooses, nor is it something that you created. A child’s temperament shapes the way he experiences the world. A child who is cautious and needs time to feel comfortable in new situations and a child who jumps right in are likely to have very different experiences going to a classmate’s birthday party. A child who can handle a lot of sensory stimulation will experience a trip to the supermarket differently from a child who has a low threshold for a lot of surrounding noise and action.

Understanding your child’s temperament helps you be a better parent. Recognizing patterns in your child’s behavior that are influenced by temperament can help you anticipate your child’s responses to certain situations. If you know that your child has a hard time making transitions, you can guess that pick-up time at child care might be challenging. You could share this observation with your child’s teacher and talk about how you can work together to make the end of the day easier. For example, the teacher can give your child a reminder that it will soon be time to go home. You might also choose to spend a few minutes helping your child finish what she is doing, rather than move her into the car right away.

Children’s temperament patterns are usually noticed very early by parents and carers, often from birth. For example, some babies sleep well and seem to have an easy-going nature, whereas others can be difficult to settle. Some young children like to explore new places and meet new people, while others appear shy and can take a long time to get used to new situations.

Is your child highly social or is she slow-to-warm-up? Is your child flexible when faced with change, or is he troubled by unexpected transitions and prefer routines? Understanding a child’s temperament is a critically important part of parenting.

Differences in temperament explain why your children might be quite different from one another. For example, your children might be more or less reactive, more or less self-regulated, and more or less sociable.

You can think about your child’s temperament in terms of how much or how little he shows of these three qualities:

• Reactivity: this is how strongly children react to things like exciting events or not getting their own way. Reactive children tend to feel things strongly.
• Self-regulation: this is how much children can control their behaviour, including the way they show their feelings. It’s also about how much children can control their attention and how persistent they are.
• Sociability: this is how comfortable children are when they meet new people or have new experiences.

Each child is born with his/her own temperament, and you’ve probably been able to describe your child’s temperament since he/she was a baby. For example, ‘She’s very easygoing’ or ‘She likes her routines’.

Your child’s temperament might be different from yours. Some parents find that it’s easier to understand and care for a child whose temperament is similar to theirs. For example, if you like predictability, you might find it easy to care for a baby who needs regular sleeps. But if you like being able to do things whenever you want, it might take you a while to get used to your child’s liking for routine.

How temperament makes a difference

Researchers have found that the main things contributing to different temperaments include:

• how strongly children react to people and events (e.g., getting angry or upset quickly and easily)
• how easily children approach new people or new situations
• how well children can control their attention, emotions and behavior.

Children who are more naturally calm, open to new experiences and easy to get along with are easier to parent. Children who are highly reactive and shy often have difficulty with managing fears and worries. This may place more demands on parents and carers for support. Children who are highly reactive and have trouble managing frustration may show this through impulsive or challenging behavior. These children are often more difficult for parents and carers to manage.

How temperament can change

You might see some changes in your child’s temperament as your child becomes more mature. This happens as your child’s experiences affect the way he behaves in different situations.

For example, a child who used to be very distracted at school might become an adult who can concentrate well in business meetings. This might be because she has developed more motivation as she has matured, or because she has learned strategies to manage her distraction.

Your child can adapt

A child’s behavior and approach to the world are shaped by his experiences and especially by his interactions with you. For example, children who are temperamentally shy can become more outgoing and comfortable in new situations when their parents help them sensitively and slowly adapt to new experiences.

Also, no matter how consistent a child’s patterns may appear to be, sometimes children can—and will—catch you off guard by acting in ways that you do not expect. A child who is usually wary of strangers might fall madly in love with her new teacher. The fact that your child can surprise you is one of the most exciting and even delightful rewards of parenthood.

Culture matters

Different cultures place different values on behavioral styles. For example, some cultures value children who are quiet and obedient. Others value feisty, assertive kids. One dad, who lives in the inner city, expressed worry that his son was too laid back and not assertive or tough enough. He was afraid that his child would get bullied and taken advantage of by others. What qualities do you value and desire for your child? How might your cultural values influence the way you see your child’s behavior?

Difficult child temperament

A child’s behavior and temperament are shaped by her experiences, including her interactions with you. For example, children who are slow-to-warm-up to new people and experiences can become more comfortable in these situations when their parents and caregivers slowly and sensitively help them adapt.

• There is No Right or Wrong, Better or Worse Temperament

Temperament is neither something a child chooses nor something that parents create in their child. It is very important for children to be accepted for who they are. It is true, though, that some temperaments are easier to handle than others. An intense, reactive child can be more difficult to soothe than a more laid-back child; a child who is very shy and slow-to-warm-up may require more time and support to feel comfortable joining a group of children.

Remember, your goal isn’t to change the child, but to help her thrive by nurturing her strengths and providing support when needed. By watching and learning from each child, you can begin to help each adapt, learn, and feel more confident in the world.

It’s very important for children to be accepted for who they are. It is true, though, that some temperaments are easier to handle than others. A parent with an intense, reactive child or a child who is very shy and slow-to-warm-up will tell you that parenting these children can be a challenge at times. For example, Stefanie, the mother of 2-year-old Danielle, described how she had moved to a new neighborhood and was desperate to meet some other moms. Finally, one day, a mom walked by with her very happy toddler who eagerly sought out Danielle and even offered to share her snack. Danielle, a slow-to-warm-up and intense child, pushed the bag away and then threw a huge tantrum when Stefanie tried to encourage her to play nicely. Stefanie later told her husband that Danielle was going to ruin her social life. (She also describes Danielle as incredibly creative, smart, and passionate.)

Most parents prefer some of their child’s temperamental characteristics to others. For example, Frank is shy and slow-to-warm-up. Frank’s father sometimes feels his patience dwindling and wishes that his son Frank was the kind of kid who would just get on with it rather than take so long to settle in. The mother of very feisty Carlos sometimes wishes for a disappearing pill, like the day Carlos’ exuberant hug knocked over a friend who hit his head on a chair as he fell down.

Parents struggle with these kinds of feelings for a range of reasons. Your child’s behavior may remind you of parts of yourself that you don’t like so much and want to change—like being easily hurt by someone’s unkindness. Conversely, you may feel discomfort with ways in which your child is very different from you—such as her ease and comfort in new situations when you like to take things slow. It is quite normal that you will like and feel more comfortable with some aspects of your child’s temperament more than with others.

Siblings can be (and often are) temperamentally very different. One mother said, “In our house, we have two kids, and we parent them in two different ways.” If you have more than one child, how are they alike? How are they different? How do you adapt your parenting style to meet each of their needs?

Parenting according to your child’s temperament

You can’t change your child’s temperament – he is who he is, and that’s great.

But you can adapt your parenting to your child’s individual temperament so that you nurture his/her development. You can help your child develop the positive parts of his/her temperament. And you can understand the situations that your child might find hard because of his/her temperament, and help him/her learn how to handle these situations.

Here are some ideas for adapting your parenting to your child’s temperament.

Adapting your parenting style to match your child’s temperament helps to support their social and emotional development and builds your relationship. Here are some suggestions and examples:

• Observe how your child responds in a range of situations to get a clear picture of how well she manages emotions and what triggers difficult reactions.
• Find out what it’s like for your child. Talk about your observations and get your child’s input, for example, “You seemed to get really nervous when your friend asked you to come over to play. What was worrying you?”
• Communicate caring and warmth (e.g. by showing you understand your child’s point of view). This supports children who feel anxious and reduces negative reactions in children whose behavior is challenging.
• For children who are shy: Avoid being overprotective. Provide support through helping them find strategies for managing fears and worries.
• For children whose behavior is challenging: Use clear and consistent limit setting rather than harsh punishment. Spell out any consequences in advance and make sure that your discipline strategy is fair and is geared to encouraging appropriate behavior.
• Be aware of the similarities and differences between your own temperament and your child’s. Adapting your parenting style to suit your child’s temperament can help to improve relationships and behavior.

Parenting a child MORE and LESS Reactive Temperaments

A child with MORE reactive temperament

If you have a very reactive child, he’s probably a lot of fun when something good happens. But he might also be loud and dramatic when he’s unhappy about something, like not getting his own way. You might need to help this child learn how to respond more calmly – for example, by relaxing and using words for angry feelings.

Reactive children are often also very physically active and might need lots of time outdoors. You can help your child develop by encouraging her to try new sporting activities, for example. But she might also need help winding down, so bedtime relaxation can be a good idea.

A child with LESS reactive temperament

A less reactive child is usually easy to get along with, but might be less assertive. You might need to teach this child how to stand up for himself. For example, if you notice situations where your child could be more assertive, you could get him to practise handling those situations differently.

It’s also important to make sure less reactive children aren’t left out of family discussions. For example, ‘Harper, you haven’t said much. Are you happy with that choice of movie?’

Children who are less reactive might also be less physically active. Your less active child will be happiest with lots of opportunities to use her fine motor skills, like doing craft or drawing. But you might need to encourage physical activity. Try a trip to the park to collect leaves for a collage, for example. Or make sure you both walk to the library, instead of driving.

Parenting a child MORE and LESS Self-Regulated Temperaments

A child with MORE self-regulated temperament

Children who find it easier to self-regulate are good at managing their reactions to emotions like frustration or excitement. They can calm down faster after something exciting or upsetting, and they’re less impulsive.

A child who’s very self-regulated might be more able to regulate his attention. He might be likely to keep going with something until he has got it right. He might also be good at coping with setbacks and able to get through tasks like homework without much supervision. But he might be a bit of a perfectionist, so make sure he knows that it’s OK to make mistakes.

A child with LESS self-regulated temperament

If your child has difficulty regulating her attention, she’ll need lots of encouragement to keep going at difficult tasks. These children might switch quickly from one activity to another. They can also be very creative. To help your child focus, you can try rewarding your child or making things fun by using games and creative activities.

Parenting a child MORE and LESS Sociable Temperaments

A child with MORE sociable temperament

If your child is very social he’ll like being around other people, having playdates and doing group activities. But you don’t have to organise playdates and activities for him all the time, because it’s also important for your child to learn to occupy himself.

Children with more sociable temperaments are also usually very adaptable and can cope with changes to routines quite easily. It’s great if you can give your adaptable child lots of new experiences, but make sure she still gets one-on-one time with you.

A child with LESS sociable temperament

If your child isn’t very social, he’s probably quite good at playing by himself and might not need much help finding something to do. But you might need to help him with making friends. If he’s not comfortable in groups or at parties, for example, you could try asking just one or two friends for a playdate at your house or the park.

If your less sociable child isn’t very adaptable she’ll like having a regular routine, and might not cope well with changes. This can make it easy for you to plan things around her routine, but your child might also need help coping with changes or transitions.

Be your child’s champion

Have you ever found yourself feeling isolated from or misunderstood—even put down—by family, friends, and neighbors who disapprove of or judge your child? You are not alone. It can be empowering to see these situations as opportunities to educate others about your child. For example, a father explains to his aunt, who is not getting the warm reaction she wants from her niece, “Sophie, like a lot of other kids, needs time to adjust to new people.” Dad then hands her Sophie’s favorite book, helping his aunt learn to approach Sophie slowly.

You can also help others see your child’s behavior from a different perspective. Here’s how a mom describes her daughter, Tess, to a neighbor who is critical of Tess’s feisty nature. “Tess knows who she is and what she wants. She is loving and she is fierce. She puts her whole heart into everything.”

Remember, the goal isn’t to change your child’s temperament, but to help him or her make the most of her unique temperament—both its strengths and the areas where she may need more support. By watching and learning from your child, you can begin to slowly and sensitively help your child adapt, to expand his world, and to feel more confident about his place in it.

Normal Child Behavior

Children learn by watching everyone around them, especially their parents. When you use manners and good coping strategies, you teach your children to do the same.

Three Types of Normal Child Behavior

Some parents find it helpful to consider three general kinds of behavior:

1. Some kinds of behavior are wanted and approved. They might include doing homework, being polite, and doing chores. These actions receive compliments freely and easily.
2. Other behavior is not sanctioned but is tolerated under certain conditions, such as during times of illness (of a parent or a child) or stress (a move, for instance, or the birth of a new sibling). These kinds of behavior might include not doing chores, regressive behavior (such as baby talk), or being excessively self-centered.
3. Still other kinds of behavior cannot and should not be tolerated or reinforced. They include actions that are harmful to the physical, emotional, or social well-being of the child, the family members, and others. They may interfere with the child’s intellectual development. They may be forbidden by law, ethics, religion, or social mores. They might include very aggressive or destructive behavior, overt racism or prejudice, stealing, truancy, smoking or substance abuse, school failure, or an intense sibling rivalry.

How to shape and manage your young child’s behavior

Helping shape your children’s behavior is a key part of being a parent. It can be difficult as well as rewarding. While at times it can be challenging, a few key principles can help.

Your Response Plays a Role

Your own parental responses are guided by whether you see the behavior as a problem: Frequently, parents over interpret or overreact to a minor, normal short-term change in behavior. At the other extreme, they may ignore or downplay a serious problem. They also may seek quick, simple answers to what are, in fact, complex problems. All of these responses may create difficulties or prolong the time for a resolution.

Behavior that parents tolerate, disregard or consider reasonable differs from one family to the next: Some of these differences come from the parents’ own upbringing; they may have had very strict or very permissive parents themselves, and their expectations of their children follow accordingly. Other behavior is considered a problem when parents feel that people are judging them for their child’s behavior; this leads to an inconsistent response from the parents, who may tolerate behavior at home that they are embarrassed by in public.

The parents’ own temperament, usual mood, and daily pressures will also influence how they interpret the child’s behavior: Easygoing parents may accept a wider range of behavior as normal and be slower to label something a problem, while parents who are by nature more stern move more quickly to discipline their children. Depressed parents, or parents having marital or financial difficulties, are less likely to tolerate much latitude in their offspring’s behavior. Parents usually differ from one another in their own backgrounds and personal preferences, resulting in differing parenting styles that will influence a child’s behavior and development.

When children’s behavior is complex and challenging, some parents find reasons not to respond. For instance, parents often rationalize (“It’s not my fault”), despair (“Why me?”), wish it would go away (“Kids outgrow these problems anyway”), deny (“There’s really no problem”), hesitate to take action (“It may hurt his feelings”), avoid (“I didn’t want to face his anger”) or fear rejection (“He won’t love me”).

Modeling Behavior

Children learn by watching everyone around them, especially their parents. When you use manners and good coping strategies, you teach your children to do the same.

• Point out sharing among adults. Children often feel that they are the only ones who have to “use your manners,” “share,” and “take turns.” So when adults share, point it out to your children. For example: “Daddy is sharing his drink with Mommy. Good job sharing, Daddy!”

• Model good ways to calm down. Teach your children how to calm down when they are upset or frustrated. For example, if you are frustrated about sitting in traffic, you might say: “Mommy is really frustrated right now. Please help me calm down by taking 10 deep breaths with me.”

• Teach children to say how they feel. If you are really frustrated, you might want to say, “You are driving me crazy right now.” Instead, try to express your actual feelings: “Mommy is really frustrated right now.” This teaches children to say what they feel instead of making critical or hurtful statements. Then help your children do this when they are upset. For example: “It looks like you are feeling sad.”

If your guess about how they are feeling is not accurate, allow your children to correct you.

Children’s Mental Health Disorders

Mental disorders among children are described as serious changes in the way children typically learn, behave, or handle their emotions, which cause distress and problems getting through the day.

Healthcare professionals use the guidelines in The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fifth edition (DSM-5) ⁴, to help diagnose mental health disorders in children.

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Oppositional Defiant Disorder
• Conduct Disorder
• Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
• Tourette Syndrome
• Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
• Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Other conditions and concerns that affect children’s learning, behavior, and emotions include learning and developmental disabilities, autism, and risk factors like substance use and self-harm.

Children with mental, emotional, and behavioral disorders can have other health or developmental conditions at the same time. Sometimes the difficulties from having a chronic health condition—those that go on for a long time and often don’t go away completely—or disability increase the risk for developing mental health problems. Sometimes having more than one condition can make mental health symptoms worse. Careful diagnosis to guide treatment is important.

Other childhood disorders and concerns that can occur along with mental, emotional, and behavioral disorders:

• Autism Spectrum Disorder
• Developmental Disabilities
• Language Disorders
• Learning Disorders
• Underage Drinking
• Substance Use

How to parent a difficult child

Children learn by watching everyone around them, especially their parents. When you use manners and good coping strategies, you teach your children to do the same.

Behavior + Attention = More Behavior

If you are like most parents, you’ll leave your children alone if they are behaving well, but when your children are misbehaving, you’ll direct your attention to them. This tends to backfire. The attention around the misbehavior actually increases the misbehavior as a way to get more attention from you!

The best way to improve behavior is to give children a lot of attention when they are doing something you like and remove your attention when they are doing something you do not like.

An easy way to increase good behaviors is by describing their behaviors and praising them when they make a real effort. For example:

• “Good job listening the first time!”
• “Good job using your inside voice.”

It can be hard to get in the habit of doing this, but it gets easier and easier as you do it.

Point out sharing among adults. Children often feel that they are the only ones who have to “use your manners,” “share,” and “take turns.” So when adults share, point it out to your children. For example:

• “Daddy is sharing his drink with Mommy. Good job sharing, Daddy!”

Model good ways to calm down. Teach your children how to calm down when they are upset or frustrated. For example, if you are frustrated about sitting in traffic, you might say:

• “Mommy is really frustrated right now. Please help me calm down by taking 10 deep breaths with me.”

Teach children to say how they feel. If you are really frustrated, you might want to say, “You are driving me crazy right now.” Instead, try to express your actual feelings: “Mommy is really frustrated right now.” This teaches children to say what they feel instead of making critical or hurtful statements. Then help your children do this when they are upset. For example:

• “It looks like you are feeling sad.”

If your guess about how they are feeling is not accurate, allow your children to correct you.

The Attention Meter

When children get enough positive attention from you, they don’t need to act out to get attention. Remember to fill your children up with plenty of love and affection throughout the day, every day. A very easy way to do this is to spend quality time with them. Playing with your children for just 5 minutes will go a long way, especially right after getting home from work or after an errand. When playing with your children, let them pick the toy and lead the play. It’s tempting to tell your children what to do or ask a lot of questions, but it is best not to do that. Try instead to just describe what your children are doing (“You are working so hard to build a tall tower” or “You are stacking those blocks”) and give praise: “Great job sitting so still while we are playing.”

Another way is to give attention to children for good behavior, yet not distract them while they are behaving, is to gently touch them in a loving way; for example, simply touch their shoulder or back. It is recommended you give children 50 to 100 brief loving touches every day.

You can decrease bad behaviors by ignoring them, but this only works if you are giving your children lots of attention for their good behaviors. The simplest way to do this is through planned ignoring. Ignoring means not talking to, looking at, or touching your children when they are behaving badly. The key to ignoring is making sure to give your children positive attention as soon as the bad behavior stops, like saying:

• “You are quiet now; it looks like you are ready to play.”

It is important to not ignore unsafe behaviors that need immediate attention from you.

Good Communication

Here are the elements of good communication to keep in mind as you relate to your middle-years child.

Listening Skills

An essential part of the communication exchange with your child is receiving messages from her. They can be verbal messages (questions, requests) or non­verbal ones (actions or nonactions). Listening is a learned skill, and with effort you can become better at it. In the process you will be setting a good example for your children, and they will become better listeners too.

Active listening is the central component of communication. When you be­come an active listener, you are telling your child that the channels of com­munication are open. You are recognizing that your child has a need and/or a desire to share her feelings and thoughts, and that you are receptive.

There are several skills and techniques involved in active listening that will decrease the likelihood that you will be judgmental or critical, or will lecture or belittle. These skills allow you to help your child get in touch with what she is really feeling and thinking, analyze it, and put it in perspective so that prob­lems do not seem bigger than they really are. It will also build a bond between you and your youngster, and make her more receptive to what is on your mind.

To become an active listener:

• Set aside time to listen. Block out distractions as much as possible. In or­der to hear and understand what your child has to say, you have to want to do so, and want to help your child with any concerns she has at the mo­ment. Some parents and children find they can communicate best just be­fore bedtime or when they share an evening snack.
• Put aside your own thoughts and viewpoints, and place yourself in a frame of mind to receive information from your youngster. Give her your complete attention, and try to put yourself in her place so you can better understand what she is experiencing. Make her feel that you value her thoughts and consider them important, and that you are sensitive to her point of view.
• Listen to, summarize, and repeat back to your child the message you are hearing. This is called reflective listening. When appropriate, gently state what you think she may be trying to say. Do not just parrot what you hear, but go beneath the surface to what your youngster may be thinking and feeling. Remember, the spoken words may not be the true or complete message. The underlying messages may include the feelings, fears, and concerns of your youngster. Assign these feelings a name or label (“It sounds to me as if you are scared… sad…angry…happy”).
• Maintain eye contact while your child talks. Show your interest by nod­ding your head and occasionally interjecting “door-openers” or noncom­mittal responses like “Yes…I see…Oh…How about that.” Encourage her to keep talking. Although these may seem like passive responses, they are an important part of communication.
• Accept and show respect for what your child is expressing, even if it does not coincide with your own ideas and expectations. You can do this by paying attention to what your youngster is communicating, while not crit­icizing, judging, or interrupting.
• Create opportunities for your child to solve the problems she may be fac­ing. Encourage and guide her. Ask her to bounce ideas off you, which might eventually suggest solutions to problems.

When parents are active listeners, other people may describe them as hav­ing good intuition and as being “tuned in” to their children. The process of ac­tive listening will help your child understand her feelings and be less afraid of the negative ones. It will build bridges and create warmth between you and your child. It will also help her solve her own problems and gain more control over her behavior and emotions. And if your child sees you as an active lis­tener, this will make her more willing to listen to you and to others.

You can monitor how actively you are listening by watching for cues that you are not listening well. If you find yourself feeling bored by the conversa­tion, distracted, looking around or away, or feeling rushed, or if you feel that you are wasting time, you are not listening actively.

Even when you think you and your child are doing a good job of listening and communicating, it is a good idea to test that impression occasionally. You can ask her to repeat as best she can what you have been trying to say—either the words or the feelings. Similarly, you should try to summarize and restate what it is that you heard her say.

Talking Techniques

As you talk to your child, you should try to make it a positive dialogue, rather than impose judgment or place blame. That usually means choosing “I” mes­sages rather than “you” messages, especially when attempting to change or encourage certain behavior.

“I” messages are statements like “I sure have trouble finding things on my desk when it hasn’t been straightened up by the last person who used it.” “I need more quiet when I am trying to read.” “Since I am so tired, I sure would like some help cleaning up the dinner dishes.”

These “I” statements communicate the effect of a child’s behavior or actions upon the parent. But they are less threatening to a child than “you” messages, even though they still convey an honest feeling or message. They also com­municate just how a child’s behavior affects her parents and encourage her to take responsibility for straightening up Dad’s desk or helping clean up the kitchen. They communicate trust—showing the parents’ willingness to ex­press their own feelings and their belief that their child will respond in a pos­itive, responsible way.

By contrast, “you” messages are statements like “You should never do that.” “You make me so angry.” “Why don’t you pay attention?” These messages are more child-focused and are more likely to create a struggle between you and your youngster, put a child on the defensive, encourage personal counterar­guments, and discourage effective communication.

Even worse are the “put-down” messages that judge or criticize a youngster. They might involve name-calling, ridiculing, or embarrassing the child. These messages can have a serious negative impact on the youngster and on her self-esteem. If you communicate the message that your child is bad, stupid, in­considerate, a disappointment, or a failure, that is how she is likely to perceive herself, not only during her childhood but for many years thereafter.

With “I” statements, however, children do get the message in a more posi­tive light. They often say things like “I didn’t realize that the noise I was mak­ing was bothering you.” Or “I’m glad you told me you were so tired. I’ll help you with an extra chore or two.” Children often readily assume more respon­sible roles if they are made aware of the situation and the feelings and needs of others, and are not “put down” in the process.

Of course, even with “I” messages you are not guaranteed success. Children may disregard the message, particularly when you first begin to make use of “I” statements. If this happens, repeat your “I” message, maybe saying it in a different way and with greater intensity. Be willing to say something like “This is how I feel, and I do not appreciate having my feelings ignored.”

If you have consistently shown yourself to be receptive to and respectful of your child’s feelings and thoughts, she will probably be more responsive to your own “I” statements. Give it some time. Middle-years children usually catch on relatively quickly.

Also, as you communicate with your youngster, be sensitive to your tone of voice. It should be consistent with your message. Do not let your emotions confuse the message you are trying to convey.

Be as consistent as possible with all your children. You should have the same communication approach and style with every child, although the unique aspects of each relationship and each child’s temperament may re­quire some modifications. Do not appear to play favorites or be more accept­ing of one youngster than another.

Positive Parenting Approaches

Positive parenting is all about making child-rearing choices that reflect your beliefs and values as a parent, your child’s age and stage of development, and his or her temperament. Positive parenting means taking an approach that is sensitive to children’s individual needs and addressing the typical challenges that arise in early childhood with empathy and respect.

Parenting comes with mistakes and missteps. What makes a parent great is recognizing when things haven’t gone right and responding with love to repair the relationship. That’s positive parenting in action.

Here are nine key elements that power a positive approach to parenting:

1. Imagine your child’s point of view, especially during tough moments. We all want to keep our cool! Sometimes it helps to remember that your child’s perspective is very different from yours. She really is devastated that she can’t wear sandals when it’s snowing. Say to yourself, “She is small and still learning,” or “’She’s only 2.”
2. Notice and celebrate your child’s strengths, abilities, and capacity to learn and develop. Each child is unique, growing and learning at his own pace. Maybe your daughter is a bold explorer who gets into everything, or your son hangs back until he gets to know someone. Make a conscious effort to really see your child. The number one thing every child needs is someone who is crazy about him.
3. Delight in moments of connection with your child. It’s easy to get distracted by the day-to-day grind of parenting: dishes, laundry, naps, and transitions from one activity to the next. Remember to pause and make eye contact while buckling him into his car seat. Offer big smiles when he wants to show you something and offer close cuddles while you read a book. This is the magic we can find when we make a little space in the everyday grind for love and connection.
4. Respond with interest and sensitivity to your child’s cues. Every child communicates her needs differently. Taking the time to watch and learn your child’s cues and communications teaches her that she’s important and cherished. Your baby may let you know he needs a break by turning away. Your toddler may let you know the mall has too much stimulation by having a tantrum in the food court. Responding as sensitively as you possibly can in these moments ensures your little one gets what he needs from you.
5. Provide consistent, age-based guidelines, limits, and boundaries. Parenting is a combination of nurture and structure. All children need guidance on how to behave. Maintaining predictable routines and setting kind, firm limits really helps. Your child is more likely to cooperate with your guidance if you crouch down at her level, make eye contact, and put your hand on her shoulder before telling her it’s time for a diaper change.
6. Recognize and regulate your own feelings and behaviors before responding to your child. This sounds like common sense, but it is way harder to pull off than many of us thought. Young children are naturally driven by their strong emotions. We do better as parents (and role models!) when we take deep breaths and calm ourselves first before responding to their behavior.
7. Know that parenting can be stressful and missteps are part of raising a child. We can’t be calm, cool, and collected all the time. There will always be moments when we lose our tempers. Apologizing when you’re wrong and setting things right is part of building a relationship, and helps children learn how to do this as they grow older.
8. Work toward balancing your needs and your child’s needs. Don’t forget about you! It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the demands of parenting that you can forget to take care of yourself. Plan for breaks throughout the day; even two minutes of deep breathing can help. Pay attention to your needs for socializing, sleep, exercise, and nutrition, too.
9. Seek help, support, or additional information on parenting when you need it. Every parent eventually runs into a challenging child-rearing issue. Children need a lot from their adults and parents are pulled in many different directions. Don’t shy away from asking for help from friends, family, or professionals. All parents need—and deserve—support.

Taking the long view generally helps as well. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. There will always be mistakes and missteps, but part of being a great parent is recognizing when things haven’t gone right and responding with love to repair the relationship. That’s positive parenting in action.

Managing Your Own Emotions

Being the parent of a young child is an intensely emotional experience. There is the pure pleasure of cuddling, nuzzling, playing, laughing, exploring, and delighting in your baby’s daily growth and discoveries. And then there are the challenges—the moments of stress, anger, frustration, and resentment—at not knowing what a baby’s cry means and how to calm her, at the totally irrational demands of a toddler, or at the aggressive behavior of an older child toward a new baby. These experiences naturally evoke strong feelings that can be hard to handle.

But it is important to tune in to and manage these feelings because it is how you react in these moments that makes the difference in your child’s development. Your response impacts his ability to learn good coping skills and guides his future behavior. Imagine a 2-year-old who is falling apart because he can’t cope with the fact that you gave him his cereal in the blue bowl instead of his favorite red bowl (as unbelievably irrational as that might be— such is life with a toddler). Reacting with anger and frustration is likely to further distress the child rather than help him calm and cope. Learning to manage your own reactions is one of most important ways you can reduce your own—and your child’s—distress. It also teaches children how to manage their own emotions—a skill that helps them do better in school and in building friendships and other relationships as they grow.

Managing strong, negative emotions is surely much easier said than done. But it’s worth the effort, because the payoff is huge, for you and your child.

Here are some helpful guiding principles and strategies:

Tune in to your feelings

Feelings are not right or wrong. It is what you do with your feelings that can be helpful or hurtful. What’s most important is that you tune in to and own your feelings so that you can make a conscious decision—versus a knee-jerk reaction—about how best to respond.

Look at behavior in the context of your child’s development and temperament

Having appropriate expectations is critical because the meaning you assign to your child’s behavior impacts how you manage your own emotions and reactions to the behavior at hand. If you see the behavior as manipulative, or to be purposefully hurtful (i.e., biting, hitting), then you are more likely to react in ways that escalate instead of calm your child. And intense, angry reactions rarely result in teaching good coping skills. If, instead, you see these behaviors in the context of normal development, then you can approach your child with empathy, making it much more likely you will respond calmly and effectively.

Remember: You can’t make your child do anything— eat, sleep, pee, poop, talk, or stop having a tantrum.

What you do have control over is how you respond to your children’s actions, as this is what guides and shapes their behavior. If throwing a tantrum results in extra TV time, a later bedtime, or simply getting more of your attention (a primary goal for older siblings dealing with major rivalry), your toddler is putting 2 and 2 together, making an important assessment: “Tantrums work! Excellent strategy! Put that one in the win column.”

The Scenario:

Three-year-old Jonah announces to his mother, Lauren, “You are the meanest mommy, and I hate you”, and then kicks her after Lauren tells him that the playdate is over—it’s time for Liam to go home.

Step 1—Tune in to your feelings:

Lauren is feeling furious and wants to say: “You are the most ungrateful child ever! Liam has been here for 2 hours and I have put aside everything I needed to do to supervise, make cookies with you, set up the painting project, etc., etc. It’s never enough!” But she knows reacting angrily will not teach her child anything and will just increase both of their distress. She takes some deep breaths and thinks through how to respond to help Jonah learn to manage his strong emotions and accept the limit.

Step 2—Tune in to and validate your child:

This is where having appropriate expectations comes in. Lauren reminds herself that at 3, children are still largely driven by their emotions and that the goal is to help Jonah learn to cope with life’s frustrations and disappointments. So she tells him calmly, “I know you are sad and angry that Liam has to go home. You have so much fun playing with him. It is always hard when a playdate ends. But you will be okay.” It is very important to communicate that you have confidence that your child can handle his difficult feelings. When you swoop in to make it all better, you inadvertently send the message that he can’t handle disappointment, which makes it less likely he will learn this important skill.

Step 3—If your child throws out some bait, don’t take it:

Young children will use any strategy possible to get what they want, such as more TV time or extra dessert, or to avoid doing something they don’t like, such as getting dressed in the morning or brushing their teeth. The best way to eliminate behaviors you feel will not serve your child well in the real world is to ignore them. So in this case, it means Lauren not responding to Jonah’s provocation, “You are the meanest mommy…” She doesn’t allow it to divert attention from the limit she is setting, which is usually the goal of throwing out some bait— to control other’s actions and avoid something the child is uncomfortable with.

Step 4—Set the limit and provide choices:

“It’s okay to be sad and angry, but it’s not okay to kick. Kicking hurts. I know you don’t want to hurt me, you’re just having a hard time controlling your body because you are so upset. So your choice is to take a break where you can calm your mind and body, or you can come help put the carrots into the salad for dinner.” If Jonah can’t yet pull himself together, Lauren will just move on, showing him with her actions that she can tolerate his being unhappy and disappointed, and that she trusts he has the ability to calm himself. This leaves Jonah with the choice to stay upset or pull himself together and hang out with his mom.

Managing your own emotions helps you feel more in control and frees you to respond to even the most challenging behaviors calmly and effectively.

1. Are Timeouts Helpful or Harmful to Young Children? http://www.pbs.org/parents/expert-tips-advice/2016/01/time-helpful-harmful-young-children/[↩]
2. ‘Time-Outs’ Are Hurting Your Child. http://time.com/3404701/discipline-time-out-is-not-good/[↩]
3. What’s Wrong with Timeouts? https://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/timeouts[↩]
4. American Psychiatric Association: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition. Arlington, VA., American Psychiatric Association, 2013[↩]