How to deal with a broken heart

A broken heart, relationship breakup and divorce are among the toughest life experiences people can face at any age. Losing a relationship is a very painful experience, even if the relationship is not a good one. The loss experienced in a broken heart of any kind is rarely easy to deal with. It’s not only about the loss of that person and their company. There may be social losses (friends you shared who you lose after separation), financial losses, and, no less importantly, the loss of ideas: ideas about who you are and your place in the world, and how you thought your life was going to look as you grew old. The natural response to a broken heart is grief, and everybody experiences grief differently.

A broken heart and relationship breakup brings with it the emotional roller coaster that comes with all grief and loss. You may experience a vast range of emotions including frustration, powerlessness, anger, denial, confusion and even relief.

These feelings can lead to practical difficulties such as loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, difficulties at work and social withdrawal. While these are painful and distressing, these feeling are normal and with time, their impact will lessen.

Some of the things experts know about broken heart are that:

• Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love relationship involves multiple losses.
  • Loss of companionship and shared experiences (which may or may not have been consistently pleasurable)
  • Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional
  • Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (which can be even more painful than practical losses)
• There is no way ‘right way’ to grieve and no time at which you ‘should have gotten over it by now’.
• It is far better to accept the pain of grieving than to deny it or repress it.
• Sharing your emotions with friends, family, or a counselor can lessen the load.
• Grief is a healing process. It does get better with time, although there may be times when it seems like it never will.

Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you’ll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won’t last forever.

While we all respond to broken heart differently, the level of grief you experience will often depend on factors such as your age and personality, the length of your relationship, and the circumstances of the broken heart. Generally, the more significant your ex-partner was to you, the more intense the emotional pain you’ll feel. The role your ex-partner played in your life can also have an impact. For example, if your ex-partner was also the mother/father to your children, then you’ll not only be grieving the loss of a companion but also the loss of your children, your family, or the loss of emotional support.

The team of researchers at Stony Brook University ¹ found evidence why it is so hard to get over a broken heart, they found that the pain and anguish people with  a broken heart were experiencing may be linked to activation of parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings.

The study also helps to explain “why feelings and behaviors related to romantic rejection are difficult to control” and why extreme behaviors associated with romantic rejection such as stalking, homicide, suicide, and clinical depression occur in cultures all over the world, the researchers wrote ¹. “This brain imaging study of individuals who were still ‘in love’ with their rejecter supplies further evidence that the passion of ‘romantic love’ is a goal-oriented motivation state rather than a specific emotion,” the researchers concluded, noting that brain imaging showed some similarities between romantic rejection and cocaine craving ¹.

“The findings are consistent with the hypothesis that romantic love is a specific form of addiction” ¹.

The researchers found that viewing photographs of their former partners stimulated several key areas of the participants’ brains to a greater degree than when they looked at photos of neutral persons.

The areas are:

• the ventral tegmental area in the mid-brain, which controls motivation and reward and is known to be involved in feelings of romantic love,
• the nucleus accumbens and orbitofrontal/prefrontal cortex, which are associated with craving and addiction, specifically the dopaminergic reward system evident in cocaine addiction, and
• the insular cortex and the anterior cingulate, which are associated with physical pain and distress.

“It shows that intense romantic love seems to function much like an addiction” ¹. “But that does not tell us one way or the other whether the desire to be in love in general is an addiction” ¹. The researcher noted that some of what has been learned over the years in this area may be useful in helping people attempting to recover from drug addiction.

The study also provided some evidence that “time heals all wounds” ¹.

Researchers found that as time passed, an area of the brain associated with attachment – the right ventral putamen/pallidum area – showed less activity when the participants viewed photographs of their former partners ¹.

Remember this, whatever the circumstances of your broken heart, remember that grief is personal to you, so you shouldn’t be ashamed about how you feel, or believe that it’s somehow not appropriate to grieve for a broken heart. While experiencing broken heart is an inevitable part of any relationships, there are healthy ways to cope with the pain, come to terms with your grief, and when the time is right, perhaps even open your heart to another companion.

Managing your broken heart and/or divorce is a process of allowing the feelings of sadness to come and go, respecting the fact that these feelings are normal and healthy. Avoid unhealthy coping strategies such as drinking, smoking, using drugs or gambling to numb the pain. It may make you feel better in the short term, but the longer term effects are not worth it.

Despite all the tough times this change can bring about, it’s important to remember that life will get back to normal, although “normal” may look and feel different from what you’re used to, or had hoped for. A new ‘normal’ will settle in, where it will be possible to continue on living a fulfilling and happy life.

There are things you can do to get through this difficult adjustment. In times of emotional crisis like relationship separation and divorce, there are opportunities to grow and learn. Think of this period in your life as a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth and reinventing yourself.

When you have a broken heart, separation or divorce, you will probably, at first, have very strong emotional and physical responses. You could:

• feel sad
• feel depressed
• feel rejected and unwanted
• feel betrayed
• have mood swings
• feel overwhelmed or fearful
• drink more alcohol or take other drugs
• have difficulty sleeping
• not function as well
• don’t feel like doing anything including loss of appetite (not eating) and not going to your job or reduced performance at your workplace
• feel very angry and shocked

You might also feel upset about losing:

• your partner
• your marriage or relationship
• the amount of time you had with your children
• contact with friends and relatives
• your future plans
• your lifestyle
• financial security

These responses to the stress of a broken heart are all normal, regardless of whether you were in a heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transexual or intersex relationship.

Everyone and every situation is different so you will have your own response, especially if you experienced domestic violence or ongoing conflict in your relationship. Even if your partner was abusive, you may feel sad, angry and conflicted at the ending of the relationship.

The early emotions may be so intense you could feel as though you are not coping.

Here are some tips on how to deal with a broken heart, separation and divorce:

• Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process.
• Talk about how you’re feeling – Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Writing in a journal can also be a helpful outlet for your feelings.
• Boost your energy with exercise. It’s important to keep up your activity levels after a broken heart. Exercising by playing a sport such as tennis or golf, or taking an exercise or swimming class—can also help you connect with others.
• Make choices that give you control over your life – These choices might be accepting that it’s over, not being a victim, being positive for your children or other family members, learning new skills or making plans for the future.
• Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.
• Stay socially active. Social isolation is a risk for all people with a broken heart and it is an even greater risk for separated older men/women. Many men rely on their wives to be the social ‘diary-keeper’; she is the one who makes the ‘keeping in touch’ phone calls and organises get-togethers. After separation you need to take up some of the slack yourself. Make a list of all your friends and regularly check in to see who you haven’t spoken to in a while. You may also need to make new social contacts, especially if the separation has resulted in your losing contact with some of the friends you and your ex-wife used to share. Here are some suggestions:
  • Join a club, book group, choir or church
  • Use the internet – There are online communities for just about every possible interest, and while it’s not quite the same as face-to-face contact, it can help. If you’re feeling game, you could even try internet dating. Many people do!
  • Be gentle on yourself. Social contact is important, but you don’t need to have a packed out social calendar. It can be as simple as getting in touch with one friend you haven’t seen in a while.
• Ask for help – People will want to help you, so don’t be afraid to ask. Talk to trusted family and friends or to your doctor, especially if your feelings are affecting your everyday activities.
• Remind yourself that you still have a future – When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams for a life together. After a breakup, it’s hard to let these aspirations go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.
• Contact services for support and advice – There are many services that can help you through separation and divorce, such as counseling, family dispute resolution and family violence prevention.
• Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression – Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don’t feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from depression.
• Take any suicidal talk or behavior seriously. It’s not just a warning sign that the person is thinking about suicide—it’s a Cry For HELP.

Tips for positive living

In the early stages after separation, it can be very difficult to think positively about your situation. The losses and the pain are real and need to be acknowledged. However, being as positive as you can be in your thinking and life choices will allow you to recover much more quickly and build a strong, healthy life post-separation.

Positive living tips include:

• Look after yourself physically: eat healthily and exercise regularly.
• Watch your thinking. Try to replace pessimistic thoughts with more positive alternatives.
• Focus on what you have rather than what you have lost. As long as you are alive, what you have still far outweighs what you don’t.
• Don’t let your lifestyle stagnate: get out and do something you haven’t done before. Take a class in something. Visit the museum or the art gallery.
• Don’t get drawn into power struggles or emotional wars with your ex.

If these feelings are not improving despite your having good support, or if you feel overwhelmed or depressed, then seek medical advice as soon as possible. If you or someone you know is at risk of harming themselves, call your local emergency services number immediately or go to the nearest hospital emergency department.

Things to do after a breakup – grieving and moving on after a relationship ends

Coping with a breakup or divorce

• Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You may also feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the relationship was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.
• Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup, and re-energize.
• Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, other relationships, and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.

Reach out to others for support

Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce. You might feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only make this time more difficult. Don’t try to get through this on your own.

Connect face-to-face with trusted friends and family members. People who have been through painful breakups or divorces can be especially helpful. They know what it is like and they can assure you that there is hope for healing and new relationships. Frequent face-to-face contact is also a great way to relieve the stress of a breakup and regain balance in your life.

Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who to reach out to, choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are positive and who truly listen to you. It’s important that you feel free to be honest about what you’re going through, without worrying about being judged, criticized, or told what to do.

Get outside help if you need it. If reaching out to others doesn’t come naturally, consider seeing a counselor or joining a support group (see the Resources section below). The most important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable opening up.

Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in community activities, or volunteer at a school, place of worship, or other community organization.

Taking care of yourself after a breakup

A a breakup or divorce is a highly stressful, life-changing event. The first safety instruction for an airplane emergency is to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child. When it comes to helping your kids through your divorce, the take home message is: take care of yourself so that you can be there for your kids.

When you’re going through the emotional wringer and dealing with major life changes, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The strain and upset of a major breakup can leave you psychologically and physically vulnerable.

Treat yourself like you’re getting over the flu. Get plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in your life, and reduce your workload if possible. Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you learn following a breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of yourself and make positive choices going forward.

Coping with your breakup or divorce

The breakup of a relationship can trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling emotions. As well as grieving the loss of your relationship, you may feel confused, isolated, and fearful about the future. By learning how to cope with the pain of a separation or divorce in healthy ways, you’ll be better able to stay calm and help your kids feel more at ease.

Exercise often and eat a healthy diet

Making healthy choices: Eat well, sleep well, and exercise

When you’re going through the stress of a divorce or breakup, healthy habits easily fall by the wayside. You might find yourself not eating at all or overeating your favorite junk foods.

Exercise relieves the pent-up stress and frustration that’s commonplace with divorce. And although cooking at home (or learning to cook for one) involves more effort than ordering in, eating healthfully will make you feel better, inside and out—so skip the junk and convenience food.

See friends often

It may be tempting to hole up and avoid seeing friends and family who will inevitably ask about the divorce—but the reality is that face-to-face support from others is vital for relieving the stress of a breakup and getting you through this difficult time. If you don’t want to talk about your breakup, just ask friends to avoid the topic; they’ll understand.

Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce. You might feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only make this time more difficult. Don’t try to get through this on your own.

Connect face-to-face with trusted friends and family members. People who have been through painful breakups or divorces can be especially helpful. They know what it is like and they can assure you that there is hope for healing and new relationships. Frequent face-to-face contact is also a great way to relieve the stress of a breakup and regain balance in your life.

Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who to reach out to, choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are positive and who truly listen to you. It’s important that you feel free to be honest about what you’re going through, without worrying about being judged, criticized, or told what to do.

Get outside help if you need it. If reaching out to others doesn’t come naturally, consider seeing a counselor or joining a support group. The most important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable opening up.

Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in community activities, or volunteer at a school, place of worship, or other community organization.

Keep a journal

Writing down your feelings, thoughts, and moods can help you release tension, sadness, anger and can also help you work out what might be troubling you and ways you can improve the situation. Don’t worry too much about what you write; just write down whatever comes to mind. Keep your journal handy so that you can look back at what you’ve written. As time passes, you can look back on just how far you’ve come.

Use the letter below and fill in the blanks. Pick from the options listed or use your own words.

Dear _________,

For the past (day/week/month/year/__________), I have been feeling (unlike myself/sad/angry/anxious/ moody/agitated/lonely/hopeless/fearful/overwhelmed/ distracted/confused/stressed/empty/restless/unable to function or get out of bed/__________).

I have struggled with (changes in appetite/changes in weight/loss of interest in things I used to enjoy/ hearing things that were not there/seeing things that were not there/ feeling unsure if things are real or not real/ my brain playing tricks on me/ lack of energy/increased energy/ inability to concentrate/alcohol or drug use or abuse/self-harm/skipping meals/overeating/overwhelming focus on weight or appearance/feeling worthless/ uncontrollable thoughts/guilt/paranoia/nightmares/ bullying/not sleeping enough/ sleeping too much/risky sexual behavior/overwhelming sadness/losing friends/unhealthy friendships/unexplained anger or rage/isolation/ feeling detached from my body/feeling out of control/ thoughts of self-harm/cutting/thoughts of suicide/plans of suicide/abuse/sexual assault/death of a loved one/__________).

Telling you this makes me feel (nervous/anxious/hopeful/embarrassed/ empowered/pro-active/mature/self-conscious/guilty/__________), but I’m telling you this because (I’m worried about myself/it is impacting my schoolwork/it is impacting my friendships/I am afraid/I don’t want to feel like this/I don’t know what to do/I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this/I trust you/__________).

I would like to (talk to a doctor or therapist/talk to a guidance counselor/talk to my teachers/talk about this later/create a plan to get better/talk about this more/find a support group/__________) and I need your help.

Sincerely,
(Your name__________)

Seek support

At the very least, divorce is complicated and stressful—and can be devastating without support.

Lean on friends. Talk face-to-face with friends or a support group about any difficult emotions you’re feeling—such as bitterness, anger, frustration—so you don’t take it out on your kids. If you’ve neglected your social circle while being married and don’t feel you have anyone to confide in, it’s never too late to build new friendships.

Never vent negative feelings to your child. Whatever you do, do not use your child to talk it out like you would with a friend.

Keep laughing. Try to inject humor and play into your life and the lives of your children as much as you can; it can relieve stress and give you all a break from sadness and anger.

See a therapist. If you are feeling intense anger, fear, grief, shame, or guilt, find a professional to help you work through those feelings.

How to get over a broken heart

A broken heart or breakup is a highly stressful, life-changing event. When you’re going through the emotional roller coaster and dealing with major life changes, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The strain and upset of a broken heart or major breakup can leave you psychologically and physically vulnerable.

Treat yourself like you’re getting over the flu. Get plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in your life, and reduce your workload if possible. Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you learn following a broken heart or breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of yourself and make positive choices going forward.

Tips for dealing with a broken heart

Make time each day to nurture yourself. Help yourself heal by scheduling daily time for activities you find calming and soothing. Spend time with good friends, go for a walk in nature, listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea.

Pay attention to what you need in any given moment and speak up to express your needs. Honor what you believe to be right and best for you even though it may be different from what your ex or others want. Say “no” without guilt or angst as a way of honoring what is right for you.

Stick to a routine. A broken heart or romantic relationship breakup can disrupt almost every area of your life, amplifying feelings of stress, uncertainty, and chaos. Getting back to a regular routine can provide a comforting sense of structure and normalcy.

Take a time out. Try not to make any major decisions in the first few months after a broken heart or romantic relationship breakup, such as starting a new job or moving to a new city. If you can, wait until you’re feeling less emotional so that you can make decisions with a clearer head.

Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When you’re in the middle of a broken heart or romantic relationship breakup, you may be tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of pain and loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and destructive in the long run. It’s essential to find healthier ways of coping with painful feelings.

Explore new interests. A broken heart or relationship breakup is a beginning as well as an end. Take the opportunity to explore new interests and activities. Pursuing fun, new activities gives you a chance to enjoy life in the here-and-now, rather than dwelling on the past.

Making healthy choices: Eat well, sleep well, and exercise

When you’re going through the stress of a broken heart or romantic relationship breakup, healthy habits easily fall by the wayside. You might find yourself not eating at all or overeating your favorite junk foods. Exercise might be harder to fit in because of the added pressures at home and sleep might be elusive. But all of the work you are doing to move forward in a positive way will be pointless if you don’t make long-term healthy lifestyle choices.

Learning important lessons from a broken heart or romantic relationship breakup

It can be difficult to see it when you’re going through a painful breakup, but in times of emotional crisis, there are opportunities to grow and learn. You may be feeling nothing but emptiness and sadness in your life right now, but that doesn’t mean that things will never change. Try to consider this period in your life a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger and wiser.

In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledge the part you played. The more you understand how the choices you made affected the relationship, the better you’ll be able to learn from your mistakes—and avoid repeating them in the future.

Some questions to ask yourself:

1. Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?
2. Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?
3. Think about how you react to stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?
4. Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be.
5. Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?

You’ll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the reasons why you chose your former partner, you’ll be able to see where you went wrong and make better choices next time. “The secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you. If you do that, you’re in control of your life. If you don’t life controls you”, “where focus goes, energy flows” and “every problem is a gift, without problems we would not grow” Tony Robbins.

How to survive a broken heart

Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process.

Talk about how you’re feeling – Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Writing in a journal can also be a helpful outlet for your feelings.

Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.

Remind yourself that you still have a future – When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams for a life together. After a breakup, it’s hard to let these aspirations go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.

Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression – Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don’t feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from depression.

Learn to quickly relieve stress

Being able to manage and relieve stress is the key to staying balanced, focused, and in control, no matter what challenges you face in life. As well as helping you cope with day-to-day stressors, employing quick stress relief techniques will also help you bring your nervous system into balance when practicing the meditation part.

There are countless techniques for dealing with stress. Talking face-to-face with an understanding friend, exercise, yoga, and meditation, for example, are all great ways to ease stress and anxiety. But it may not be practical (or even possible) to go for a run or meditate when you’re frazzled by your morning commute, stuck in a stressful meeting at work, or fried from another argument with your spouse. For situations like these, you need something more accessible. That’s where quick stress relief comes in.

Quick Stress Relief

The best way to reduce stress quickly is by taking a deep breath and using your senses—what you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch—or through a soothing movement. By viewing a favorite photo, smelling a specific scent, listening to a favorite piece of music, tasting a piece of gum, or hugging a pet, for example, you can quickly relax and focus yourself. Of course, not everyone responds to each sensory experience in the same way. The key to quick stress relief is to experiment and discover the unique sensory experiences that work best for you.

Build emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to identify, understand, and use your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress and anxiety, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges, and defuse conflict. When it comes to happiness and success in your relationships, career, and personal goals, emotional intelligence (EQ) matters just as much as the better known, intelligence quotient (IQ).

Emotional intelligence is commonly defined by four attributes:

1. Self-management – You’re able to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.
2. Self-awareness – You recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior. You know your strengths and weaknesses, and have self-confidence.
3. Social awareness – You can understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people, pick up on emotional cues, feel comfortable socially, and recognize the power dynamics in a group or organization.
4. Relationship management – You’re able to develop and maintain good relationships, communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in a team, and manage conflict.

Many of us are disconnected from our emotions—especially strong emotions such as anger, sadness, fear—because we’ve been taught to try to shut off our feelings. But while you can deny or numb your feelings, you can’t eliminate them. They’re still there, whether you’re aware of them or not. And even unpleasant emotions can have beneficial aspects. Sadness can support emotional healing, for example, fear can trigger life-saving action, and anger can mobilize and inspire. Unfortunately, without being connected to all of your emotions, you can’t manage stress, fully understand your own behavior, or appropriately control how you think and act. But whatever your circumstances or challenges, the skills for improving emotional intelligence (EQ) and managing your emotions can be learned at any time.

Emotional intelligence affects:

• Your performance at school or work. High emotional intelligence can help you navigate the social complexities of the workplace, lead and motivate others, and excel in your career. In fact, when it comes to gauging important job candidates, many companies now rate emotional intelligence as important as technical ability and employ EQ testing before hiring.
• Your physical health. If you’re unable to manage your emotions, you are probably not managing your stress either. This can lead to serious health problems. Uncontrolled stress raises blood pressure, suppresses the immune system, increases the risk of heart attacks and strokes, contributes to infertility, and speeds up the aging process. The first step to improving emotional intelligence is to learn how to manage stress.
• Your mental health. Uncontrolled emotions and stress can also impact your mental health, making you vulnerable to anxiety and depression. If you are unable to understand, get comfortable with, or manage your emotions, you’ll also struggle to form strong relationships. This in turn can leave you feeling lonely and isolated and further exacerbate any mental health problems.
• Your relationships. By understanding your emotions and how to control them, you’re better able to express how you feel and understand how others are feeling. This allows you to communicate more effectively and forge stronger relationships, both at work and in your personal life.
• Your social intelligence. Being in tune with your emotions serves a social purpose, connecting you to other people and the world around you. Social intelligence enables you to recognize friend from foe, measure another person’s interest in you, reduce stress, balance your nervous system through social communication, and feel loved and happy.

4 key skills to increasing your emotional intelligence

The skills that make up emotional intelligence can be learned at any time. However, it’s important to remember that there is a difference between simply learning about emotional intelligence and applying that knowledge to your life. Just because you know you should do something doesn’t mean you will—especially when you become overwhelmed by stress, which can override your best intentions. In order to permanently change behavior in ways that stand up under pressure, you need to learn how to overcome stress in the moment, and in your relationships, in order to remain emotionally aware.

The key skills for building your emotional intelligence and improving your ability to manage emotions and connect with others are:

1. Self-management
2. Self-awareness
3. Social awareness
4. Relationship management

Building emotional intelligence, key skills

1. Self-management

In order for you to engage your emotional intelligence, you must be able use your emotions to make constructive decisions about your behavior. When you become overly stressed, you can lose control of your emotions and the ability to act thoughtfully and appropriately.

Think about a time when stress has overwhelmed you. Was it easy to think clearly or make a rational decision? Probably not. When you become overly stressed, your ability to both think clearly and accurately assess emotions—your own and other people’s—becomes compromised.

Emotions are important pieces of information that tell you about yourself and others, but in the face of stress that takes us out of our comfort zone, we can become overwhelmed and lose control of ourselves. With the ability to manage stress and stay emotionally present, you can learn to receive upsetting information without letting it override your thoughts and self-control. You’ll be able to make choices that allow you to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.

2. Self-awareness

Managing stress is just the first step to building emotional intelligence. The science of attachment indicates that your current emotional experience is likely a reflection of your early life experience. Your ability to manage core feelings such as anger, sadness, fear, and joy often depends on the quality and consistency of your early life emotional experiences. If your primary caretaker as an infant understood and valued your emotions, it’s likely your emotions have become valuable assets in adult life. But, if your emotional experiences as an infant were confusing, threatening or painful, it’s likely you’ve tried to distance yourself from your emotions.

But being able to connect to your emotions—having a moment-to-moment connection with your changing emotional experience—is the key to understanding how emotion influences your thoughts and actions.

• Do you experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after another as your experiences change from moment to moment?
• Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience in places like your stomach, throat, or chest?
• Do you experience individual feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, and joy, each of which is evident in subtle facial expressions?
• Can you experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture both your attention and that of others?
• Do you pay attention to your emotions? Do they factor into your decision making?

If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, you may have “turned down” or “turned off” your emotions. In order to build emotional intelligence—and become emotionally healthy—you must reconnect to your core emotions, accept them, and become comfortable with them. You can achieve this through the practice of mindfulness.

Mindfulness is the practice of purposely focusing your attention on the present moment—and without judgment. The cultivation of mindfulness has roots in Buddhism, but most religions include some type of similar prayer or meditation technique. Mindfulness helps shift your preoccupation with thought toward an appreciation of the moment, your physical and emotional sensations, and brings a larger perspective on life. Mindfulness calms and focuses you, making you more self-aware in the process.

Developing emotional awareness

It’s important that you learn how to manage stress first, so you’ll feel more comfortable reconnecting to strong or unpleasant emotions and changing how you experience and respond to your feelings. You can develop your emotional awareness by practicing the mindfulness meditation.

3. Social awareness

Social awareness enables you to recognize and interpret the mainly nonverbal cues others are constantly using to communicate with you. These cues let you know how others are really feeling, how their emotional state is changing from moment to moment, and what’s truly important to them. When groups of people send out similar nonverbal cues, you’re able to read and understand the power dynamics and shared emotional experiences of the group. In short, you’re empathetic and socially comfortable.

Mindfulness is an ally of emotional and social awareness

To build social awareness, you need to recognize the importance of mindfulness in the social process. After all, you can’t pick up on subtle nonverbal cues when you’re in your own head, thinking about other things, or simply zoning out on your phone. Social awareness requires your presence in the moment. While many of us pride ourselves on an ability to multitask, this means that you’ll miss the subtle emotional shifts taking place in other people that help you fully understand them.

• You are actually more likely to further your social goals by setting other thoughts aside and focusing on the interaction itself.
• Following the flow of another person’s emotional responses is a give-and-take process that requires you to also pay attention to the changes in your own emotional experience.
• Paying attention to others doesn’t diminish your own self-awareness. By investing the time and effort to really pay attention to others, you’ll actually gain insight into your own emotional state as well as your values and beliefs. For example, if you feel discomfort hearing others express certain views, you’ll have learned something important about yourself.

4. Relationship management

Working well with others is a process that begins with emotional awareness and your ability to recognize and understand what other people are experiencing. Once emotional awareness is in play, you can effectively develop additional social/emotional skills that will make your relationships more effective, fruitful, and fulfilling.

Become aware of how effectively you use nonverbal communication. It’s impossible to avoid sending nonverbal messages to others about what you think and feel. The many muscles in the face, especially those around the eyes, nose, mouth and forehead, help you to wordlessly convey your own emotions as well as read other peoples’ emotional intent. The emotional part of your brain is always on—and even if you ignore its messages—others won’t. Recognizing the nonverbal messages that you send to others can play a huge part in improving your relationships.

Use humor and play to relieve stress. Humor, laughter and play are natural antidotes to stress. They lessen your burdens and help you keep things in perspective. Laughter brings your nervous system into balance, reducing stress, calming you down, sharpening your mind and making you more empathic.

Learn to see conflict as an opportunity to grow closer to others. Conflict and disagreements are inevitable in human relationships. Two people can’t possibly have the same needs, opinions, and expectations at all times. However, that needn’t be a bad thing. Resolving conflict in healthy, constructive ways can strengthen trust between people. When conflict isn’t perceived as threatening or punishing, it fosters freedom, creativity, and safety in relationships.

Practice meditation

Many of us struggle to manage our emotions. Our feelings can often seem like a wild horse, full of fear and uncontrolled energy. They may cause you to freeze, act out, or shut down—making it difficult to think rationally, causing you to say and do things you later regret. Or you may go to great lengths to avoid difficult emotions by:

Distracting yourself with obsessive thoughts, mindless entertainment, and addictive behaviors. Watching television for hours, drinking, gambling, overeating, playing computer games, and compulsively using smartphones or the Internet are common ways to avoid dealing with your feelings.

Sticking with one emotional response that you feel comfortable with, no matter what the situation requires. For example, constantly joking around to cover up insecurities or getting angry all the time to avoid feeling sad or anxious.

Shutting down or shutting out intense emotions. If you feel overwhelmed by your emotions, you may cope by numbing yourself. You may feel completely disconnected from your emotions, like you no longer have feelings at all.

Instead of trying to ignore strong emotions, you can accept and tame them by taking up the reins and learning how to ride them. This is where the Ride the Wild Horse mindfulness meditation comes in. As well as helping you to relax, it also teaches you how to harness all of your emotions—even the uncomfortable or overwhelming ones you’ve been trying to avoid. You’ll learn how to ride out intense emotions, remaining in control of the experience and in control of your behavior.

What to expect from the meditations

The meditations focus firstly on your breathing and progressive muscle relaxation, and then on your current emotional state.

• If you begin to feel overwhelmed by uncomfortable emotions, use the quick stress relief techniques you learned in Step 1 to bring your nervous system back into balance before continuing.
• By learning to remain mindful under stress in this way, you’ll be able carry these feelings through into your daily life, even in situations that feel threatening, stressful, or uncomfortable.

Continue practicing and enjoy the benefits

It’s important to continue practicing the meditation until you’re able to stay connected to your feelings and remain calm under stress in your daily life. Each time you practice the meditation, you should feel a little more energy and a little more comfortable with your emotional experience. But don’t rush the meditative process. You will absorb more if you move slowly. Take time to notice the small changes that add up to a life change.

At the end of each meditation, as you shift your attention away from an exclusively internal focus back onto your everyday concerns, some awareness of what you’re feeling will likely remain with you. This means that you’re integrating the process into your everyday life, which will give you a greater sense of control over your emotions. Of course, learning new skills takes time and effort, especially if your energy is being sapped by depression, anxiety, or other challenges. But if you start small with baby steps undertaken at times of the day when you have the most energy, learning a new skill set can be easier than you think.

Practice, practice, practice. The more you repeat the meditations, the more comfortable you will feel with your emotions and the greater change you’ll experience in your thoughts, feelings, and actions. With regular practice, you can actually change your brain in ways that will make you feel more confident, resilient, and in control.

Set up predictable challenges. Try practicing your new emotional intelligence skills at predictable times of stress, when the stakes are low. For example, tune into your body while doing household chores or commuting through heavy traffic.

Expect setbacks. Don’t lose hope if you backslide into old habits now and then. It happens. Instead of giving up after a setback, vow to start fresh next time and learn from your mistakes.

When in doubt, return to your body. If you’re struggling to manage your mood in a tough situation, take a deep breath, and apply quick stress relief.

Talk to someone about your experience

Try to find a person you can talk to about your experiences with the meditation. What did you learn about yourself? What did you discover about your emotions? Speaking to someone face-to-face will help you retain what you’ve learned.

Why are breakups so painful?

Even when a relationship is no longer good, a divorce or breakup can be extremely painful because it represents the loss, not just of the partnership, but also of your identity, dreams and the commitments you shared. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hopes for the future. When a relationship fails, everyone regardless of age or sex will experience the profound disappointment, stress, and grief.

A breakup or divorce launches you into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup also brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns can often seem worse than being in an unhappy relationship.

This pain, disruption, and uncertainty means that recovering from a breakup or divorce can be difficult and take time. However, it’s important to keep reminding yourself that you can and will get through this difficult experience and move on with your life as a stronger and wiser person.

Why you cannot trust your mind when you have a breakup

To stop hurting, you need to accept the reality of the breakup and make efforts to move on. You need to reduce the amount of time you spend thinking about the person who broke your heart. you need to diminish their presence in your thoughts and your lives, slowly but surely.

Your mind wants to do the opposite. Your mind wants you to think about the person all the time, to hold on to the pain and never forget who and what caused it. Your mind wants this, because it is trying to “protect” you in the manner in which it typically does. If something causes you pain, like a hot stove, your mind’s job is to remind you not to touch that hot stove again, to make sure you remember how painful it was the first time. The more painful the experience, the more your mind will labor to make sure you don’t forget it, so you never make that “mistake” again. Given how excruciating heartbreak is, your mind will do everything it can to keep that pain fresh in your thoughts. As a result, your mind will trick you into thinking that:

1. Your ex was the best, the one, the only one.
   • Your mind will try to remind you of your ex’s best qualities. Images of them at their best will pop into your head unbidden. However, this unbalanced, unrealistic, and idealized portrayal of the person who broke your heart will only make the pain you feel worse.
2. The relationship made you happy all the time.
   • No, it didn’t; no relationship does. There are plenty of frustrating, annoying, or hurtful moments, and you should recall those as well.
3. If you just text them or contact them, you will feel better.
   • The urge to text, message, call, or email will be very strong. But doing those things will only make you feel more desperate and needy, and hurt your self-esteem.
4. Talking about the breakup with all your friends will ease your pain.
   • No, it won’t. Talking about emotionally painful events is natural and even useful, if you do it in a problem-solving way, or if you do it to get emotional validation. But just going over the same details again and again will only make you feel worse.
5. You have to know exactly why the breakup occurred.
   • Having a clear understanding of why a breakup occurred is actually useful. However, few of you ever get a clear and honest explanation for such things. Trying to get into your ex’s head to understand why things didn’t work out is a rabbit hole. Better to settle on “they weren’t in love enough” or “we were not the right match.”

Breakup depression

Feeling down from time to time is a normal part of life, but when emotions such as hopelessness and despair take hold and just won’t go away, you may have depression. Depression makes it tough to function and enjoy life like you once did. Just trying to get through the day can be overwhelming. But no matter how hopeless you feel, you can get better. By understanding the cause of your depression and recognizing the different symptoms and types of depression, you can take the first step to feeling better and overcoming the problem.

What is depression?

Depression is a common and debilitating mood disorder. More than just sadness in response to life’s struggles and setbacks, depression changes how you think, feel, and function in daily activities. It can interfere with your ability to work, study, eat, sleep, and enjoy life. The feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness can be intense and unrelenting, with little, if any, relief.

While some people describe depression as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom, others feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic. Men in particular can feel angry and restless. No matter how you experience depression, left untreated it can become a serious health condition. But it’s important to remember that feelings of helplessness and hopelessness are symptoms of depression—not the reality of your situation. There are plenty of powerful self-help steps you can take to lift your mood, overcome depression, and regain your joy of life.

What are the symptoms of depression?

Depression varies from person to person, but there are some common signs and symptoms. It’s important to remember that these symptoms can be part of life’s normal lows. But the more symptoms you have, the stronger they are, and the longer they’ve lasted—the more likely it is that you’re dealing with depression.
10 common symptoms of depression:

• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
• Loss of interest in daily activities. You don’t care anymore about former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
• Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
• Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping.
• Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
• Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
• Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
• Reckless behavior. You engage in escapist behavior such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.
• Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
• Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.

Depression symptoms vary with gender and age

Depression often varies according to age and gender, with symptoms differing between men and women, or young people and older adults.

Depression in men

Depressed men are less likely to acknowledge feelings of self-loathing and hopelessness. Instead, they tend to complain about fatigue, irritability, sleep problems, and loss of interest in work and hobbies. They’re also more likely to experience symptoms such as anger, aggression, reckless behavior, and substance abuse.

Depression in women

Women are more likely to experience depression symptoms such as pronounced feelings of guilt, excessive sleeping, overeating, and weight gain. Depression in women is also impacted by hormonal factors during menstruation, pregnancy, and menopause. In fact, postpartum depression affects up to 1 in 7 women experience depression following childbirth.

Depression in teens

Irritability, anger, and agitation are often the most noticeable symptoms in depressed teens—not sadness. They may also complain of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical pains.

Depression in older adults

Older adults tend to complain more about the physical rather than the emotional signs and symptoms of depression: things like fatigue, unexplained aches and pains, and memory problems. They may also neglect their personal appearance and stop taking critical medications for their health.

Depression and suicide risk

Depression is a major risk factor for suicide. The deep despair and hopelessness that goes along with depression can make suicide feel like the only way to escape the pain. If you have a loved one with depression, take any suicidal talk or behavior seriously and watch for the warning signs:

Suicide warning signs

• Talking about suicide – Any talk about suicide, dying, or self-harm, such as “I wish I hadn’t been born,” “If I see you again…” and “I’d be better off dead.”
• Seeking out lethal means – Seeking access to guns, pills, knives, or other objects that could be used in a suicide attempt.
• Preoccupation with death – Unusual focus on death, dying, or violence. Writing poems or stories about death.
• No hope for the future – Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and being trapped (“There’s no way out”). Belief that things will never get better or change.
• Self-loathing, self-hatred – Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and self-hatred. Feeling like a burden (“Everyone would be better off without me”).
• Getting affairs in order – Making out a will. Giving away prized possessions. Making arrangements for family members.
• Saying goodbye – Unusual or unexpected visits or calls to family and friends. Saying goodbye to people as if they won’t be seen again.
• Withdrawing from others – Withdrawing from friends and family. Increasing social isolation. Desire to be left alone.
• Self-destructive behavior – Increased alcohol or drug use, reckless driving, unsafe sex. Taking unnecessary risks as if they have a “death wish.”
• Sudden sense of calm – A sudden sense of calm and happiness after being extremely depressed can mean that the person has made a decision to attempt suicide.

If you think a friend or family member is considering suicide, express your concern and seek help immediately. Talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life.

If You Are Feeling Suicidal

When you’re feeling depressed or suicidal, your problems don’t seem temporary—they seem overwhelming and permanent. But with time, you will feel better, especially if you get help. There are many people who want to support you during this difficult time, so please reach out!

What should I do?

If you’re having suicidal thoughts, there are some things you need to do:

• Let someone know how you’re feeling. Talk to a friend, family member, counselor, or doctor – or contact a crisis service like Lifeline.
• Keep yourself safe. If you feel in danger, call your local emergency number or go to your nearest hospital. Get rid of anything you could use to hurt yourself, and don’t go to any places where you’ve thought about killing yourself.
• Don’t make any hasty decisions. Remember that thoughts and feelings do pass with time.
• Avoid drugs and alcohol. They can make you feel worse or do things you wouldn’t do if you were sober.
• Try not to be alone. Stay with someone you trust until you feel better. If that’s not possible, talk to someone at a crisis service.
• Make a safety plan. Sit down with your doctor or another support person, and work out a plan to follow when you’re feeling suicidal.
• Help yourself – follow some tips for managing suicidal feelings to see if they help.

How to fix a broken heart

• Establish boundaries. This is about protecting yourself from further pain that can come from prolonging the change. These boundaries may include limiting the time, energy and physical affection you give to your ex-partner. Although many people would like to ‘stay friends’, this is often a difficult task and may not be realistic or healthy, at least in the early stages.
• Go easy on yourself. This post gives some advice on how to take care of yourself after separation
• Allow yourself time. Its valuable to take some space to reflect on things and re-evaluate your life, but balance is key – be careful not to spend too much time dwelling on the past. Give it some time – a good guide is to allow yourself at least one year of evaluation, growth and recovery. Remember that moving on is the end goal – getting stuck in hurtful feelings can prevent you from healing and moving forward. While some introspection is necessary and helpful, try to include some thoughts and actions to take that can improve things.
• Watch your thinking. Being as positive as you can be in your thinking and life choices will help your recovery and allow you to build a strong, healthy life post-separation.
• Look after yourself physically: maintaining routines can give a strong sense of comfort and normality. Eat healthily and exercise regularly. Avoid unhealthy coping strategies such as drinking or drugs to numb the pain. Treat yourself like you’re getting over a sickness. Get plenty of rest, reduce other sources of stress in your life, and reduce your workload.
• Don’t let your lifestyle stagnate: Here’s some tips on how to stay connected. This life change is an opportunity to take a new direction, perhaps in an area you have been interested in but never had the time to pursue.
• Grow your connections. This post gives some great tips on ‘finding your people’
• Reach out for support. Like many other tough times, it’s really important to have some support from those who care about you. It is critical to seek out help and support from professionals, friends and family – trying to ‘tough it out’ on your own can put you at great risk of depression and other mental and physical health problems. It can also help to write things down to give your feelings a space to vent.

It’s really important to know the difference between a normal reaction to a broken heart and depression – if you don’t feel any forward momentum after taking some time to heal, you may be suffering from depression. It is particularly important to speak to a professional if you are struggling to maintain your normal routine, unable to get out of bed, or have thoughts of harming yourself.

Staying socially active

Social isolation is a risk for all people, and it is an even greater risk for separated men. Many men rely on their wives to be the social ‘diary-keeper’; she is the one who makes the ‘keeping in touch’ phone calls and organizes get-togethers. After separation you need to take up some of the slack yourself. Make a list of all your friends and regularly check in to see who you haven’t spoken to in a while.

You may also need to make new social contacts, especially if the separation has resulted in your losing contact with some of the friends you and your ex-partner used to share.

What to do when your heart is broken

Here are some suggestions:

• Join a club, book group, choir or church
• Use the internet – There are online communities for just about every possible interest, and while it’s not quite the same as face-to-face contact, it can help.
• If you’re feeling game, you could even try internet dating. Many people do!

Be gentle on yourself. Social contact is important, but you don’t need to have a packed out social calendar. It can be as simple as getting in touch with one friend you haven’t seen in a while.

Tips for positive living

In the early stages after separation, it can be very difficult to think positively about your situation. The losses and the pain are real and need to be acknowledged. However, being as positive as you can be in your thinking and life choices will allow you to recover much more quickly and build a strong, healthy life post-separation.

Positive living tips include:

• Look after yourself physically: eat healthily and exercise regularly.
• Watch your thinking. Try to replace pessimistic thoughts with more positive alternatives.
• Focus on what you have rather than what you have lost. As long as you are alive, what you have still far outweighs what you don’t.
• Don’t let your lifestyle stagnate: get out and do something you haven’t done before. Take a class in something. Visit the museum or the art gallery.
• Don’t get drawn into power struggles or emotional wars with your ex.

How therapy and counseling can help you recover from a broken heart

Talking about your thoughts and feelings with a supportive person can make you feel better. It can be very healing, in and of itself, to voice your worries or talk about something that’s weighing on your mind. And it feels good to be listened to—to know that someone else cares about you and wants to help.

It can be very helpful to talk about your problems to close friends and family members. But sometimes, we need help that the people around us aren’t able to provide. When you need extra support, an outside perspective, or some expert guidance, talking to a therapist or counselor can help. While the support of friends and family is important, therapy is different. Therapists are professionally-trained listeners who can help you get to the root of your problems, overcome emotional challenges, and make positive changes in your life.

You don’t have to be diagnosed with a mental health problem to benefit from therapy. Many people in therapy seek help for everyday concerns: relationship problems, job stress, or self-doubt, for example. Others turn to therapy during difficult times, such as a divorce.

Why use therapy to deal with a broken heart

and not medication?

The thought of being able to solve your problems by taking a pill each day can sound appealing. If only it was that easy! Mental and emotional problems have multiple causes, and medication is not a one-stop cure.

Medication may help ease certain symptoms, but it comes with side effects. Furthermore, it cannot solve the “big picture” problems. Medication won’t fix your relationships, help you figure out what to do with your life, or give you insight into why you continue to make unhealthy choices.

Therapy can be time consuming and challenging, as uncomfortable emotions and thoughts often arise as part of the treatment process. However, therapy provides long-lasting benefits beyond symptom relief. Therapy gives you the tools for transforming your life—for relating better to others, building the life you want for yourself, and coping with whatever curve balls are thrown your way.

Myths about therapy

• MYTH: I don’t need a therapist. I’m smart enough to solve my own problems.
• FACT: We all have our blind spots. Intelligence has nothing to do with it. A good therapist doesn’t tell you what to do or how to live your life. He or she will give you an experienced outside perspective and help you gain insight into yourself so you can make better choices.

MYTH: Therapy is for crazy people.

FACT: Therapy is for people who have enough self-awareness to realize they need a helping hand, and want to learn tools and techniques to become more self-confident and emotionally balanced.

• MYTH: All therapists want to talk about is my parents.
• FACT: While exploring family relationships can sometimes clarify thoughts and behaviors later in life, that is not the sole focus of therapy. The primary focus is what you need to change—unhealthy patterns and symptoms in your life. Therapy is not about blaming your parents or dwelling on the past.

MYTH: Therapy is self-indulgent. It’s for whiners and complainers.

FACT: Therapy is hard work. Complaining won’t get you very far. Improvement in therapy comes from taking a hard look at yourself and your life, and taking responsibility for your own actions. Your therapist will help you, but ultimately you’re the one who must do the work.

Finding the right therapist for you

Finding the right therapist will probably take some time and work, but it’s worth the effort. The connection you have with your therapist is essential. You need someone who you can trust—someone you feel comfortable talking to about difficult subjects and intimate secrets, someone who will be a partner in your recovery. Therapy won’t be effective unless you have this bond, so take some time at the beginning to find the right person. It’s okay to shop around and ask questions when interviewing potential therapists.

Experience matters. One of the main reasons for seeing a therapist, rather than simply talking to a friend, is experience. Look for a therapist who is experienced in treating the problems that you have. Often, therapists have special areas of focus, such as depression or eating disorders. Experienced therapists have seen the problems you’re facing again and again, which broadens their view and gives them more insight. And for some problems, such as trauma or PTSD, seeing a specialist is absolutely essential.

Learn about different treatment orientations. Many therapists practice a blend of orientations. However, it’s a good idea to learn about the different treatment types, because that can affect your therapist’s way of relating and the suggested length of treatment.

Check licensing. Credentials aren’t everything, but if you’re paying for a licensed professional, make sure the therapist holds a current license and is in good standing with the state regulatory board. Regulatory boards vary by state and profession. Also check for complaints against the therapist.

Trust your gut. Even if your therapist looks great on paper, if the connection doesn’t feel right—if you don’t trust the person or feel like they truly care—go with another choice. A good therapist will respect this choice and should never pressure you or make you feel guilty.

Finding a therapist in the U.S.

• American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) provides information about Marriage and Family Therapists (https://www.aamft.org/), as well as a Therapist Locator national database of qualified therapists.
• American Psychological Association (APA) provides a Psychologist Locator (https://locator.apa.org/) to find a psychologist in your area.
• American Psychoanalytic Association (APsaA) provides a member directory (http://www.apsa.org/find-an-analyst) for finding an analyst, by city and state.

Finding a therapist in other countries

• In the UK, Relate (https://www.relate.org.uk/find-your-nearest-relate) offers relationship and family counseling; or you can Find NHS Psychological Therapy Services in your local area (https://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search).
• In Australia, Lifeline’s Service Finder (https://www.lifeline.org.au/) offers a directory of low-cost mental health services; or you can Find an Australian Psychological Society Psychologist (https://www.psychology.org.au/Find-a-Psychologist) or Find a Mental Health Practitioner (https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/find-a-professional).
• In Canada, Search for a Psychologist (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists) or Search for a Marriage or Family Therapist by clicking on “Search Canada” (https://www.therapistlocator.net/Default.aspx).

Questions to ask yourself when choosing a therapist

What’s most important in a therapist or counselor is a sense of connection, safety, and support. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Does it seem like the therapist truly cares about you and your problems?
• Do you feel as if the therapist understands you?
• Does the therapist accept you for who you are?
• Would you feel comfortable revealing personal information to this individual?
• Do you feel as if you can be honest and open with this therapist? That you don’t have to hide or pretend you’re someone that you’re not?
• Is the therapist a good listener? Does he or she listen without interrupting, criticizing, or judging? Pick up on your feelings and what you’re really saying?
• Make you feel heard?

Types of therapy and therapists

There are so many types of therapies and therapists; it might feel a little overwhelming to get started. Just remember that no one type of therapy is best; it all depends on your individual preferences and needs.

It is true that certain techniques are more useful than others in dealing with specific types of problems (phobias, for example). But in general, research about the “best” type of therapy always reaches the same conclusion:

• the philosophy behind the therapy is much less important than the relationship between you and your therapist.

If you feel comfortable and trusting in that relationship, the model of therapy, like your car, is just the vehicle that will help you move forward to a more fulfilling life. This will happen regardless of the circumstances that brought you to therapy.

Common types of therapy

Most therapists don’t limit themselves to one specific type of therapy; rather, they blend different styles in order to best fit the situation at hand. This approach gives the therapist many powerful tools. However, they often have a general orientation that guides them.

Individual therapy. Individual therapy explores negative thoughts and feelings, as well as the harmful or self-destructive behaviors that might accompany them. Individual therapy may delve into the underlying causes of current problems (such as unhealthy relationship patterns or a traumatic experience from your past), but the primary focus is on making positive changes in the present.

Family therapy. Family therapy involves treating more than one member of the family at the same time to help the family resolve conflicts and improve interaction. It is often based on the premise that families are a system. If one role in the family changes, all are affected and need to change their behaviors as well.

Group therapy. Group therapy is facilitated by a professional therapist, and involves a group of peers working on the same problem, such as anxiety, depression or substance abuse, for example. Group therapy can be a valuable place to practice social dynamics in a safe environment and find inspiration and ideas from peers who are struggling with the same issues.

Couples therapy (marriage counseling). Couples therapy involves the two people in a committed relationship. People go to couples therapy to learn how to work through their differences, communicate better and problem-solve challenges in the relationship.

Types of therapists and counselors

The following types of mental health professionals have advanced training in therapy and are certified by their respective boards. Many professional organizations provide online searches for qualified professionals. You may also want to double check with your state regulatory board to make sure the therapist’s license is up to date and there are no ethical violations listed.

However, keep in mind that lay counselors—members of the clergy, life coaches, etc.—may also be able to provide you with a supportive, listening ear. It’s not always the credentials that determine the quality of the therapy.

Common types of mental health professionals:

• Psychologist — Psychologists have a doctoral degree in psychology (Ph.D. or Psy.D.) and are licensed in clinical psychology.
• Social worker — Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW) have a Master’s degree in social work (MSW) along with additional clinical training.
• Marriage and family therapist — Marriage and Family Therapists (MFT) have a Master’s degree and clinical experience in marriage and family therapy.
• Psychiatrist — A psychiatrist is a physician (M.D. or D.O.) who specialized in mental health. Because they are medical doctors, psychiatrists can prescribe medication.

What to expect in therapy or counseling

Every therapist is different, but there are usually some similarities in how therapy is structured. Normally, sessions will last about an hour, and take place around once a week. Although for more intensive therapy, they may be scheduled more often. Therapy is normally conducted in the therapist’s office, but therapists also work in hospitals and nursing homes, and in some cases will conduct home visits.

Expect a good fit between you and your therapist. Don’t settle for bad fit. You may need to see one or more therapists until you feel understood and accepted.

Therapy is a partnership. Both you and your therapist contribute to the healing process. You’re not expected to do the work of recovery all by yourself, but your therapist can’t do it for you either. Therapy should feel like a collaboration.

Therapy will not always feel pleasant. Painful memories, frustrations or feelings might surface. This is a normal part of therapy and your therapist will guide you through this process. Be sure to communicate with your therapist about how you are feeling.

Therapy should be a safe place. While at times you’ll feel challenged or face unpleasant feelings, you should always feel safe. If you’re starting to feel overwhelmed or you’re dreading your therapy sessions, talk to your therapist.

Your first therapy sessions

The first session or two of therapy is a time for mutual connection, and a time for the therapist to learn about you and your issues. The therapist may ask for a mental and physical health history.

It’s also a good idea to talk to the therapist about what you hope to achieve in therapy. Together, you can set goals and benchmarks that you can use to measure your progress along the way.

This is also an important time for you to evaluate your connection with your therapist. Do you feel like your therapist cares about your situation, and is invested in your recovery? Do you feel comfortable asking questions and sharing sensitive information? Remember, your feelings as well as your thoughts are important, so if you are feeling uncomfortable, don’t hesitate to consider another therapist.

How long does therapy last?

Everyone’s treatment is different. How long your therapy lasts depends on many factors. You may have complicated issues, or a relatively straightforward problem that you want to address. Some therapy treatment types are short term, while others may last longer. Practically, your insurance coverage might limit you.

However, discussing the length of therapy is important to bring up with your therapist at the beginning. This will give you an idea of goals to work towards and what you want to accomplish. Don’t be afraid to revisit this issue at any time as therapy progresses, since goals often are modified or changed during treatment.

Making the most of therapy and counseling

To make the most of therapy, you need to apply what you’re learning in your sessions to real life. Fifty minutes in therapy each week isn’t going to fix you; it’s how you use what you’ve learned in the rest of your time. Here are some tips for getting the most out of your sessions:

Make healthy lifestyle changes. There are many things you can do in your daily life to support your mood and improve your emotional health. Reach out to others for support. Get plenty of exercise and sleep. Eat well. Make time for relaxation and play. The list goes on…

Don’t expect the therapist to tell you what to do. You and your therapists are partners in your recovery. Your therapist can help guide you and make suggestions for treatment, but only you can make the changes you need to move forward.

Make a commitment to your treatment. Don’t skip sessions unless you absolutely have to. If your therapist gives you homework in between sessions, be sure to do it. If you find yourself skipping sessions or are reluctant to go, ask yourself why. Are you avoiding painful discussion? Did your last session touch a nerve? Talk about your reluctance with your therapist.

Share what you are feeling. You will get the most out of therapy if you are open and honest with your therapist about your feelings. If you feel embarrassed or ashamed, or something is too painful to talk about, don’t be afraid to tell your therapist. Slowly, you can work together to get at the issues.

Is therapy working?

You should be able to tell within a session or two whether you and your therapist are a good fit. But sometimes, you may like your therapist but feel that you aren’t making progress. It’s important to evaluate your progress to make sure you’re getting what you need from therapy.

A word of caution: There is no smooth, fast road to recovery. It’s a process that’s full of twists, turns, and the occasional backtrack. Sometimes, what originally seemed like a straightforward problem turns into a more complicated issue. Be patient and don’t get discouraged over temporary setbacks. It’s not easy to break old, entrenched patterns.

Remember that growth is difficult, and you won’t be a new person overnight. But you should notice positive changes in your life. Your overall mood might be improving, for example. You may feel more connected to family and friends. Or a crisis that might have overwhelmed you in the past doesn’t throw you as much this time.

Tips for evaluating your progress in therapy

• Is your life changing for the better? Look at different parts of your life: work, home, your social life.
• Are you meeting the goals you and your therapist have set?
• Is therapy challenging you? Is it stretching you beyond your comfort zone?
• Do you feel like you’re starting to understand yourself better?
• Do you feel more confident and empowered?
• Are your relationships improving?

Your therapist should work with you, reevaluating your goals and progress as necessary. However, remember that therapy isn’t a competition. You are not a failure if you don’t meet your goals in the number of sessions that you originally planned. Focus instead on overall progress and what you’ve learned along the way.

When to stop therapy or counseling

When to stop therapy depends on you and your individual situation. Ideally, you will stop therapy when you and your therapist have decided that you have met your goals. However, you may feel at some point that you have gotten what you need out of therapy, even if your therapist feels differently.

Leaving therapy can be difficult. Remember that the therapeutic relationship is a strong bond, and ending this relationship is a loss – even if treatment has been successful. Talk about this with your therapist. These feelings are normal. It’s not uncommon for people to go back briefly to a therapist from time to time as needs arise.

As long as you continue to progress in therapy, it’s an option

Some people continue to go to therapy on an ongoing basis. That’s okay, especially if you don’t have other people to turn to for support in your life. Ideally, your therapist will be able to help you develop outside sources of support, but that’s not always possible. If therapy meets an important need in your life and the expense is not an issue, continuing indefinitely is a legitimate choice.

Signs that you may need to change therapists

• You don’t feel comfortable talking about something.
• Your therapist is dismissive of your problems or concerns.
• Your therapist seems to have a personal agenda.
• Your therapist does more talking than listening.
• Your therapist tells you what to do and how to live your life.

Paying for therapy and counseling

In the U.S., for example, many insurance companies provide limited coverage for psychotherapy—often as few as 6-12 sessions. Read through your plan carefully to see what benefits you have. Some types of mental health professionals might not be covered. You may need a referral through your primary care physician.

Also keep in mind that some therapists do not accept insurance, only payment directly from the patient. Sometimes these therapists will accept sliding scale payments, where you pay what you can afford for each session. Don’t be afraid to ask what arrangements can be made if you feel that the therapist could be a good fit for you.

In other countries, insurance and eligibility requirements vary. See Resources & References below for links on finding therapy in your country.

Affordable therapy and counseling options

Take a look around your community for service agencies or organizations that may offer psychotherapy at discounted rates. Senior centers, family service agencies, and mental health clinics are good places to start. Many offer affordable options, including sliding payment scales.

Agencies that involve interns in training also can be an option for quality therapy. An intern may be a good choice for you if the intern is enthusiastic, empathetic, and has quality supervisory training. However, an intern’s time at the agency is limited, so when the training is finished, you either need to stop the therapy or find another therapist.

Another possible way to obtain affordable therapy is to try bartering with a therapist or mental health clinic. A few clinics and health centers across the U.S. already encourage bartering services, swapping health care for carpentry, plumbing, or hairdressing services, for example. If you have a useful skill or are willing to volunteer your time, it may be worth trying to strike a deal.

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