Tips for raising children

Being a parent can be great fun, with lots of opportunities for love and excitement. It also brings challenges and hard work.

Encourage good behavior in your child

A positive and constructive approach is often the best way to guide your child’s behavior. This means giving your child attention when he behaves well, rather than just applying consequences when he does something you don’t like.

Here are some practical tips for good behavior

Be a role model

Use your own behavior to guide your child. Your child watches you to get clues on how to behave – and what you do is often much more important than what you say. For example, if you want your child to say ‘please’, say it yourself. If you don’t want your child to raise her voice, speak quietly and gently yourself.

Show your child how you feel

Telling your child honestly how his behavior affects you helps him see his own feelings in yours. And if you start sentences with ‘I’, it gives your child the chance to see things from your perspective. For example, ‘I’m getting upset because there is so much noise that I can’t talk on the phone’.

Catch your child being ‘good’

When your child is behaving in a way you like, give her some positive feedback. For example, ‘Wow, you’re playing so nicely. I really like the way you’re keeping all the blocks on the table’. This works better than waiting for the blocks to come crashing to the floor before you take notice and say, ‘Hey, stop that’.

This positive feedback is sometimes called descriptive praise because it tells children specifically what they’re doing well. Try to make six positive comments for every negative comment. And remember that if children have a choice between no attention or negative attention, they’ll often seek out negative attention.

Get down to your child’s level

When you get close to your child, you can tune in to what he might be feeling or thinking. Being close also helps him focus on what you’re saying about his behavior. If you’re close to your child and have his attention, you don’t need to make him look at you.

Listen actively

To listen actively, you can nod as your child talks, and repeat back what you think your child is feeling. For example, ‘It sounds like you feel really sad that your blocks fell down’. When you do this, it can help young children cope with tension and big emotions like frustration, which sometimes lead to unwanted behavior. It also makes them feel respected and comforted. It can even diffuse potential temper tantrums.

Keep promises

When you follow through on your promises, good or bad, your child learns to trust and respect you. She learns that you won’t let her down when you’ve promised something nice, and she also learns not to try to change your mind when you’ve explained a consequence. So when you promise to go for a walk after your child picks up her toys, make sure you have your walking shoes handy. When you say you’ll leave the library if your child doesn’t stop running around, be prepared to leave straight away.

Create an environment for good behavior

The environment around your child can influence his behavior, so you can shape the environment to help your child behave well. This can be as simple as making sure your child’s space has plenty of safe, stimulating things for him to play with. Make sure that your child can’t reach things he could break or that might hurt him. Your glasses look like so much fun to play with – it’s hard for children to remember not to touch. Reduce the chance of problems by keeping breakables and valuables out of sight.

Choose your battles

Before you get involved in anything your child is doing – especially to say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ – ask yourself if it really matters. By keeping instructions, requests and negative feedback to a minimum, you create less opportunity for conflict and bad feelings. Rules are important, but use them only when it’s really important.

Be firm about whining

If you give in when your child is whining for something, you can accidentally train her to whine more. ‘No’ means ‘no’, not maybe, so don’t say it unless you mean it.

Keep things simple and positive

If you give clear instructions in simple terms, your child will know what’s expected of him – for example, ‘Please hold my hand when we cross the road’. And positive rules are usually better than negative ones, because they guide your child’s behavior in a positive way. For example, ‘Please shut the gate’ is better than ‘Don’t leave the gate open’.

Give children responsibility and consequences

As your child gets older, you can give her more responsibility for her own behavior. You can also give her the chance to experience the natural consequences of that behavior. You don’t have to be the bad guy all the time. For example, if it’s your child’s responsibility to pack for a sleepover and she forgets her favorite pillow, she’ll have to manage without it for the night.

At other times you might need to provide consequences for unacceptable or dangerous behavior. For these times, it’s best to ensure that you’ve explained the consequences and that your child has agreed to them in advance.

Say it once and move on

If you tell your child what to do – or what not to do – too often, he might end up just tuning out. If you want to give him one last chance to cooperate, remind him of the consequences for not cooperating. Then start counting to three.

Make your child feel important

Give your child some simple chores or things that she can do to help the family. This will make her feel important. If you can give your child lots of practice doing a chore, she’ll get better at it, feel good about doing it, and want to keep doing it. And if you give her some praise for her behavior and effort, it’ll help to build her self-esteem.

Prepare for challenging situations

There are times when looking after your child and doing things you need to do will be tricky. If you think about these challenging situations in advance, you can plan around your child’s needs. Give him a five-minute warning before you need him to change activities. Talk to him about why you need his cooperation. Then he’s prepared for what you expect.

Maintain a sense of humor

It often helps to keep daily life with children light. You can do this by using songs, humor and fun. For example, you can pretend to be the menacing tickle monster who needs the toys picked up off the floor. Humor that has you both laughing is great, but humor at your child’s expense won’t help. Young children are easily hurt by parental ‘teasing’.

Healthy eating for children

Healthy eating is essential for your child’s good health, growth and development. Healthy eating in childhood means they will have less chance of developing chronic diseases like heart disease, type 2 diabetes, obesity and some cancers. It will also mean they feel better, look better and enjoy life more.

What is healthy eating?

To stay healthy and maintain a healthy weight, children need to be physically active and eat the right amount of nutrients to balance the energy they use.

The Dietary Guidelines for Americans (https://health.gov/dietaryguidelines/) recommend children should enjoy a wide variety of foods from these five food groups:

• fruit
• vegetables, legumes and beans
• cereals (including breads, rice, pasta and noodles), preferably wholegrain
• lean meat, fish, poultry and/or alternatives
• milks, yogurts, cheeses and/or alternatives (children under 2 should have full fat milk, but older children and adolescents should be encouraged to have reduced-fat varieties).

Healthy eating from the 5 food groups (above) is essential for all children.

Children should limit their intake of foods that contain saturated fat, added salt or added sugar. They should also be encouraged to choose water to drink.

How much food does my child need?

Children need to eat more as they grow. As a guide, your child should eat these foods every day:

• 2 – 3 years: 1 serve of fruit; 2½ serves of vegetables; 4 serves of grains; 1 serve of meat/poultry; 1½ serves of dairy
• 4 – 8 years: 1½ serves of fruit; 4½ serves of vegetables; 4 serves of grains; 1 ½ serves of meat/poultry; 1½ – 2 serves of dairy
• 9 – 11 years: 2 serves of fruit; 5 serves of vegetables; 4 – 5 serves of grains; 2½ serves of meat/poultry; 2½ – 3 serves of dairy
• 12 – 13 years: 2 serves of fruit; 5 – 5 ½ serves of vegetables; 5 – 6 serves of grains; 2 ½ serves meat/poultry; 3 ½ serves dairy.

Tips to encourage healthy eating habits

Teaching your child how to eat healthily now means they will be more likely to make their own healthy choices as they get older.

• make meal time family time, without any screens
• make healthy foods fun, for example by cutting fruit or sandwiches into interesting shapes
• encourage your children to sit with you at the table
• eat a healthy breakfast every day
• try out new foods and show your children where food comes from; let them help you buy food from the shops
• cook and try new recipes together
• don’t keep junk food in the house
• keep a bowl of fruit handy for a snack
• wash your hands and make sure food is prepared and stored safely.

Foods to limit

Some foods are not essential in children’s diets. These are called ‘discretionary foods’ and are generally high in kilojoules, saturated fat, added sugars or added salt.

It’s OK to eat small amounts of discretionary foods now and then as part of a balanced diet. But you should try to limit these foods in your child’s daily diet since they can lead to children becoming overweight or developing diseases in later life.

Examples of foods to limit are:

• sweet biscuits, cakes and desserts
• processed meats and sausages
• ice-cream, confectionery and chocolate
• meat pies and other pastries
• commercial burgers, pizza, hot chips, and fried foods
• crisps and other fatty and/or salty snacks
• cream and butter
• sugar-sweetened cordials and soft drinks.

Here are some tips to help you limit foods for children:

• Instead of using a lot of butter, cooking margarine, cream or coconut or palm oil, choose vegetable oils, spreads, nut butters/pastes and avocado.
• Read labels and always choose low-salt options.
• Don’t add salt to foods during cooking or at the table.
• Offer water rather than sugary soft drinks, cordial, energy drinks or sports drinks.

Physical activity for children

Children love to play and be active. To benefit their health, children over 5 should be physically active for at least 60 minutes every day. It doesn’t have to be a structured sport – anything that gets them up and moving will do.

Living an active lifestyle

About 4 out of 5 children in America don’t get the daily 1 hour of physical activity they need for good health. Encouraging your child to be physically active every day will set them up to be active and healthy for their whole lives.

The challenge is to encourage children to sit less and to move more.

Sit less

American children are spending more time than ever before sitting or lying down (known as sedentary behavior), often because they’re using electronic media. Even if your child is active and does a lot of sport, they will still benefit from sitting less.

All children spend time sitting at school, doing homework and reading. But it’s important to strike a balance and to find more opportunities for them to move.

It is recommended that children aged 5 to 12 should spend no more than 2 hours a day in front of a screen for entertainment, including television, seated electronic games, portable electronic devices or computers.

Move more

Children should do 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous physical activity every day. That includes fast walking, riding a bike or scooter, playing, running and doing organized sports.

There should be a mix of activities that make them puff and activities that are good for their bones, like climbing on monkey bars, gymnastics, dance, running, skipping and jumping.

The 60 minutes doesn’t have to be done all in one go. You can build it up so your child accumulates the physical activity over the day.
Health benefits of exercise

Exercise can be anything that makes children’s breathing faster and their heart beat quicker. Sitting less and exercising for an hour a day (not necessarily all in one go) has many health benefits for children:

• they will develop healthy bones, muscles and joints
• they will develop healthy heart and lungs
• their coordination, strength and muscle control will improve
• they will maintain a healthy body weight
• their body will become more flexible
• their balance and posture will improve
• their brain will develop vital connections, leading to improved concentration and thinking skills
• they are less likely to develop chronic diseases, such as heart disease and type 2 diabetes.

How much physical activity do children need?

According to the Physical Activity and Sedentary Behavior Guidelines, children need the following:

• Birth to 1 year: moving on the floor from birth (including ‘tummy time’, when you place your child in a safe place, such as a play mat on the floor)
• 1 to 5 years: at least 3 hours of being physically active, spread throughout the day
• 5 to 12 years: at least 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous physical activity every day.

This should include a variety of aerobic activities as well as activities that strengthen muscle and bone.

Children should also limit the amount of time they spend sitting, and those aged over 5 should spend no more than 2 hours a day in front of a screen. This recommended maximum screen time drops to 1 hour for children aged 2 to 5, with no screen time at all recommended for children under 2.

Tips for encouraging physical activity

• choose activities your child likes and that are fun
• make sure there’s lots of variety and your child tries different things
• build physical activity into your child’s day – for example, by walking to school, washing the car or helping in the garden
• reward your child with an activity like a visit to the park rather than with screen time
• praise and encourage your child
• be active yourself and involve the whole family.

Bonding and Communicating with Your Infant or Child

The relationship your infant has with you, their parent or primary caretaker, has an enormous impact on their future mental, physical, social, and emotional health. In fact, the strength of this relationship is the main predictor of how well your child will do both in school and in life. It is not founded on the quality of your care or parental love, but on the nonverbal emotional communication you develop with your child, known as the attachment bond. While it’s easiest to form a secure attachment bond with an infant, it can be formed at any time or at any age—and can ensure your child has the best possible start in life.

What is the attachment bond?

The attachment bond is the emotional connection formed by wordless communication between an infant and their primary caretaker. A landmark report, published in 2000 by The Committee on Integrating the Science of Early Childhood Development, identified how crucial the attachment bond is to a child’s development. This form of communication affects the way your child develops mentally, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and socially. While attachment occurs naturally as you, the parent or caretaker, care for your baby’s needs, the quality of the attachment bond varies.

• A secure attachment bond ensures that your child will feel secure, understood, and calm enough to experience optimal development of his or her nervous system. Your child’s developing brain organizes itself to provide your child with the best foundation for life: a feeling of safety that results in eagerness to learn, healthy self-awareness, trust, and empathy.
• An insecure attachment bond fails to meet your child’s need for security, understanding, and calm, preventing the child’s developing brain from organizing itself in the best ways. This can inhibit emotional, mental, and even physical development, leading to difficulties in learning and forming relationships in later life.

The attachment process is interactive and dynamic. Both you and your baby participate in an exchange of nonverbal emotional cues that make your baby feel understood and safe. Even in the first days of life, your baby picks up on your emotional cues—your tone of voice, your gestures, and your emotions—and sends you signals by crying, cooing, mimicking facial expressions, and eventually smiling, laughing, pointing, and even yelling, too. In return, you watch and listen to your baby’s cries and sounds, and respond to their cues, at the same time as you tend to their need for food, warmth, and affection. Secure attachment grows out of the success of this nonverbal communication process between you and your baby.

Facts about secure attachment

• Infants have independent nervous systems that may be different from yours. What makes you feel good may not be the same thing that makes your infant feel good. So unless you look and listen to your infant’s emotional cues, you won’t understand his or her individual needs.
• Bonding and attachment happen instinctively between mothers and babies, but, unfortunately, loving your baby doesn’t automatically result in secure attachment. Secure attachment develops from your ability to manage your stress, respond to your baby’s cues, and successfully soothe your infant.
• It is not possible or necessary to understand your baby’s emotional needs all the time in order to develop a secure attachment bond. As long as you recognize the disconnect and attempt a repair, the relationship will stay strong and may even grow stronger as a result of repairing the disconnect.
• The more responsive you are to your infant’s needs, the less “spoiled” the baby will become as they get older. Bonding creates trust, and children with secure attachments tend to be more independent, not less.
• Babies form a secure attachment with only one person – the person who spends the most time caring for them. However, they can bond or connect in a loving way with all those people who take care of them.
• Attachment is a two–way, interactive process in which your baby reads your cues as you read theirs.

The attachment bond differs from the bond of love

As a parent or primary caretaker for your infant, you can follow all the traditional parenting guidelines, provide doting, around-the-clock care for your baby, and yet still not achieve a secure attachment bond. You can tend to your child’s every physical need, provide the most comfortable home, the highest quality nourishment, the best education, and all the material goods a child could wish for. You can hold, cuddle, and adore your child without creating the kind of attachment that fosters the best development for your child. How is this possible? Importantly, creating a secure attachment bond differs from creating a bond of love.

Children need something more than love and care-giving in order for their brains and nervous systems to develop in the best way possible. Children need to be able to engage in a nonverbal emotional exchange with their primary caretaker in a way that communicates their needs and makes them feel understood, secure, and balanced. Children who feel emotionally disconnected from their primary caregiver are likely to feel confused, misunderstood, and insecure, no matter how much they’re loved.

Table 1. The Difference Between Bonding and a Secure Attachment Bond

Why there is so much confusion about bonding and the secure attachment bond?

The words bond or bonding are commonly used to describe both caretaking and the emotional exchange that forms the attachment process, even though they are very different ways of connecting with your child.

• One is a connection based on the care a parent provides for their infant child, while the other is based on the quality of nonverbal emotional communication that occurs between parent and child.
• Both types of parent-child interaction can occur simultaneously. While feeding, bathing, or otherwise caring for your child, you can also build the emotional connection by recognizing and responding to your child’s nonverbal cues.
• Before experts understood the radical changes going on in the infant brain during the first months and years of life, both the caretaking process and the attachment process looked very similar. Now, though, they are able to recognize and painstakingly record an infant’s nonverbal responses to highlight the process of attachment in infants.

Why is secure attachment so important?

A secure attachment bond teaches your baby to trust you, to communicate their feelings to you, and eventually to trust others as well. As you and your baby connect with one another, your baby learns how to have a healthy sense of self and how to be in a loving, empathetic relationship.

Secure attachment causes the parts of your baby’s brain responsible for social and emotional development, communication, and relationships to grow and develop in the best way possible. This relationship becomes the foundation of your child’s ability to connect with others in a healthy way. Qualities that you may take for granted in adult relationships—like empathy, understanding, love, and the ability to be responsive to others—are first learned in infancy.

When babies develop a secure attachment bond, they are better able to:

• Develop fulfilling intimate relationships
• Maintain emotional balance
• Feel confident and good about themselves
• Enjoy being with others
• Rebound from disappointment and loss
• Share their feelings and seek support

A secure attachment bond is good for you, too

Nature has programmed mothers as well as their infants to have a “falling in love” experience through secure attachment. The joy you experience as you connect with your infant goes a long way to relieve fatigue from lack of sleep and the stress of learning how to care for your baby. The bonding process releases endorphins in your body that motivate you, give you energy, and make you feel happy. Creating a secure attachment with your infant may take a little effort, but the rewards are huge for both of you.

Developmental milestones related to secure attachment

By understanding the developmental milestones related to secure attachment, you can spot symptoms of insecure attachment and take steps to immediately repair them. If your child misses repeated milestones, it’s crucial to consult with your pediatrician or child development specialist.

Between birth and 3 months, does your baby:

• Follow and react to bright colors, movement, and objects?
• Turn toward sounds?
• Show interest in watching people’s faces?
• Smile back when you smile?

Between 3 and 6 months, does your baby:

• Show joy when interacting with you?
• Make sounds, like cooing, babbling or crying, if happy or unhappy?
• Smile a lot during playtime?

Between 4 and 10 months, does your baby:

• Use facial expressions and sounds when interacting, like smiling, giggling, or babbling?
• Have playful exchanges with you?
• Alternate back and forth with gestures (giving and taking), sounds, and smiles?

Between 10-18 months, does your baby:

• Play games with you, like peek-a-boo or patty cake?
• Use sounds like ma, ba, na, da, and ga?
• Use different gestures (sometimes one after another) to show needs like giving, pointing, or waving?
• Recognize his or her name when called?

Between 18 and 20 months, does your baby:

• Know and understand at least 10 words?
• Use at least four consonants in words or babbling, like b, d, m, n, p, t?
• Use words, gestures and signals to communicate needs, like pointing at something, leading you to something?
• Enjoy simple pretend play, like hugging or feeding a doll or stuffed animal?
• Demonstrate familiarity with people or body parts by pointing or looking at them when named?

At 24 Months, does your baby:

• Know and understand at least 50 words?
• Use two or more words together to say something, like “want milk,” or “more crackers?”
• Show more complex pretend play, like feeding the stuffed animal and then putting the animal in the stroller?
• Show interest in playing with other children by giving objects or toys to others?
• Respond to questions about familiar people or objects not present by looking for them?

At 36 Months, does your baby:

• Put thoughts and actions together, like “sleepy, want blanket,” or “hungry for yogurt and going to the refrigerator?”
• Enjoy playing with children and talking with other children?
• Talk about feelings, emotions and interests, and show knowledge about time (past and future)?
• Answer “who,” “what,” “when,” and “where” questions without too much trouble?
• Pretend to play different characters—either by dressing up and acting or with toy figures or dolls?

How secure attachment is created

Developing a secure attachment bond between you and your child, and giving your child the best start in life, does not require you to be a perfect parent. In fact, the 2000 study found that the critical aspect of the child–primary caretaker relationship is NOT based on quality of care, educational input, or even the bond of love that develops between parent and infant. Rather, it is based on the quality of the nonverbal communication that takes place between you and your child.

While it’s easiest to form a secure attachment bond when your child is still an infant—and reliant upon nonverbal means of communicating—you can begin to make your child feel understood and secure at any age. Children’s brains continue maturing well into adulthood (until their mid-20s). Moreover, because the brain continues to change throughout life, it’s never too late to start engaging in a nonverbal emotional exchange with your child. In fact, developing your nonverbal communication skills can help improve and deepen your relationships with other people of any age.

Nonverbal communication tips for secure attachment

Nonverbal cues are sensory signals communicated by a certain tone of voice, touch, or facial expression. A child’s primary caretaker brings all of these unique qualities together to create a sense of recognition, safety, and comfort for a child. Even when a child is old enough to talk, nonverbal communication remains key to building and maintaining a secure attachment.

Using Nonverbal Communication to Create a Secure Attachment Bond

• Eye contact – You look at your child affectionately and they pick up on the positive emotion conveyed by this nonverbal signal and feel safe, relaxed, and happy. If you’re depressed, stressed, or distracted, you may not look directly into your child’s eyes at all. Maintaining eye contact also plays an important role in sustaining the flow of conversation between you and your child.
• Facial expression – Your face is able to express countless emotions without you saying a word. If your expression is calm and attentive when you communicate with your child, they will feel secure. But if your face looks distressed, angry, worried, sad, fearful, or distracted, your child will pick up on these negative emotions and feel stressed, unsafe, and unsure.
• Tone of voice – Even if your child is too young to understand the words that you use, they can understand the difference between a tone that is harsh, indifferent or preoccupied, and a tone that conveys tenderness, interest, concern, and understanding. When talking to older children, make sure that the tone you use matches what you’re saying.
• Touch – The way you touch your child conveys your emotional state—whether you’re attentive, calm, tender, relaxed, or disinterested, upset, and unavailable. The way you wash, lift, or carry your baby or the way you give your older child a warm hug, a gentle touch on the arm, or a reassuring pat on the back can convey so much emotion to your child.
• Body language – The way you sit, move, and carry yourself communicates a wealth of information to your child. Talk to your child with your arms crossed and your head back and they will see you as defensive and uninterested. But sit with a relaxed, open posture, leaning towards your child and they will feel what they’re saying matters to you.
• Pacing, timing, and intensity – The pacing, timing, and intensity of your speech, movements, and facial expressions can reflect your state of mind. If you maintain an adult pace, or are stressed or otherwise inattentive, your nonverbal actions will do little to calm, soothe, or reassure your child. You need to be aware of your child’s preferences for pacing and intensity, which are often slower and less forceful than your own.

Creating a secure attachment bond

As there are many reasons why a loving, conscientious parent may not be successful at creating a secure attachment bond:

• Understand what the attachment bond looks like (watch the video below)
• Learn how to build a strong attachment relationship (see the secure attachment parenting tips below). Secure attachment is an ongoing partnership between you and your baby, but it doesn’t mean you have to be the perfect parent. Building a Secure Attachment Bond with Your Baby can help you understand your baby’s cries, interpret their signals, and respond to your baby’s needs for food, rest, love, and comfort.

Parenting tips for creating secure attachment

Secure attachment doesn’t happen overnight. It is an ongoing partnership between you and your baby. As time goes on, it will become easier to understand the cries, interpret the signals, and respond to your baby’s needs for food, rest, love, and comfort—try to stay patient with yourself and your baby as you learn about each other.

Secure attachment starts with taking care of yourself

Babies communicate most effectively when they are in a quiet and alert state, and so do you. As hard as it may be, it is important to take care of yourself in order to build a secure attachment bond with your infant.

• Try to get enough sleep. Sleep deprivation can make you cranky, listless, and irritable. Some parents have found it helpful to trade night duty (on for two nights, off for two nights), or to take at least one morning a week to sleep late.
• Ask for support around the house. Especially in the newborn stages, get as much help as you can from your spouse, family, or friends.
• Schedule some time away. Caring for a young infant is demanding, and taking some time away can help you parent more effectively. An hour in a coffee shop, a walk, a yoga class, or doing something you want to do can provide some perspective and renewed energy.

Finding ways to calm yourself in stressful times

Since babies can’t communicate verbally, they are especially attuned to signs of anxiety or stress. Babies need outside help to calm down. But an anxious caregiver can actually add to the baby’s stress, making them harder to soothe. When you are feeling stressed, try to find ways to calm down before you interact with your baby.

• Take a deep breath. This may mean letting your baby cry a minute longer so that you can take a deep breath before picking your baby up and trying to soothe them.
• Team up. Don’t think you have to do it all yourself. Try to enlist the help of your spouse, friends, family members, or a babysitter to help hold or care for your baby during fussy times of the day.
• Take a walk. Fresh air and a change of scenery can work wonders for you and your baby. During particularly stressful times, try making a change in environment and see if it helps you and your baby calm down.

Creating secure attachment tip 1:

Learn to understand your baby’s unique cues

As parents of multiple children know, there is no one simple formula for meeting a baby’s needs. From birth, each baby has a unique personality and preferences. Each baby’s nervous system is unique as well. Some babies might be soothed by noise and activity whereas others might prefer calm and quiet. The key is to learn your baby cues and respond to them accordingly.

Even though all of the sounds and cries may sound the same at first, your baby is communicating with you in different ways, using sound and movement. An arched back, a scrunched-up face, eyes tightly closed, fists curled up, rubbing eyes, hyperactive or frenetic movement—all of these signs communicate something specific about your baby’s emotional and physical state. Your task is to become a “sensory detective” and find out what your baby is communicating and how best to respond.

• Watch your baby’s facial expressions and body movements for clues about their sensory needs. For example, your baby may adjust their body position or change their facial expression, or move their arms and legs in response to your voice, to indicate that they’re cold or need to be held and cuddled.
• Become familiar with the kinds of sounds your baby makes and what these sounds mean. For example, the “I’m hungry” sound may be a short, low-pitched cry, while the “I’m tired” sound may be a choppy wail.
• Note the kind of touch your baby enjoys and the amount of pressure that they experience as pleasurable. With almost every touch your newborn is learning about life. The more tender your touch, the more your baby will find the world a comforting place.
• Pay attention to the kinds of movements, sounds, and environments your baby enjoys. Some babies are comforted by motion, such as rocking or being walked back and forth, while others respond to sounds like soft music, or a change of environment such as being carried outside.

Sometimes babies will fuss no matter what you do, as when teething, sick, or undergoing a big developmental change. When this happens, keep up your efforts to communicate with and soothe your baby. Your patience, love, and care benefit your baby even if they continue to fuss.

Watch out for peer pressure from well-meaning family and friends. What worked for their baby may not work for yours. By learning what it takes to calm and soothe your baby, you initiate trust, and your baby begins the process of learning how to self soothe.

Creating secure attachment tip 2:

Eating, sleeping and opportunities for secure attachment

Many of your baby’s early signs and signals are about the need for food and proper rest. Increasing the frequency of feedings or adding in some extra time for rest where appropriate can make a big difference in your baby’s ability to engage and interact when awake.

Without proper rest, a baby cannot be calm and alert and ready to engage with you. Babies sleep a lot (often 16-18 hours a day in the first few months), and their sleep signals will come more often than you might expect. Often, babies who are overtired can act hyper-alert and move frenetically. You might mistake this energy for an invitation to engage, but really, it is your baby’s way of saying that naptime should have been 30 minutes ago.

Hunger will also be the cause of many early cues from your baby. Schedules are helpful, but growth spurts and developmental changes may cause your baby’s needs to change every few weeks so it is helpful to pay close attention to their unique signs and signals.

Creating secure attachment tip 3:

Talk, laugh, and play with your infant

The importance of having fun, playing with, holding, and sharing happiness with your baby cannot be overstated. Smiles, laughter, touch, and interaction are as important to a baby’s development as food or sleep. Your body language, tone of voice, and loving touch are all important ways of communicating with your baby.

When you see signs that your baby wants to play, try to relax and then enjoy exchanging smiles, funny faces, and happy coos with your baby. Toys, books, and music can provide a helpful starting point for play, but often all it takes is a game of peek-a-boo or a silly voice to invite your baby to interact. Infants with an undeveloped nervous system can become exhausted very quickly, so watch for signs that your infant needs to withdraw from play because they have become over stimulated. If you feel uncomfortable or unsure about how to play with your baby, keep trying. Any discomfort or embarrassment should go away when you experience the joys of interacting with your child.

Creating secure attachment tip 4:

Secure attachment doesn’t require you to be the “perfect” parent

You don’t have to be a perfect parent all of the time in order to bond with your baby. Just do your best, and don’t worry if you don’t always know what your baby wants. What makes attachment secure, rather than insecure, is the quality and responsiveness of the interaction with your baby and a willingness to notice and repair a missed signal.

You need to understand your baby’s cues one third of the time, not every time

You don’t have to be perfect to have a secure attachment with your infant. As long as you notice when you have missed your infant’s cue and continue trying to figure out what your baby needs, the secure attachment process stays on track. In fact, the process of realizing there’s a disconnect between you and attempting to repair it may even strengthen the relationship you have with your infant.

Parenting is frequently touted as the hardest job you will ever do. It is amazing how one tiny being can require so much work. But no one is able to be fully present and attentive to an infant 24 hours a day. Every parent needs help and support in order to stay relaxed, calm, and engaged.

Creating secure attachment tip 5:

Don’t overlook dads in the process of secure attachment

In households where the mother is the breadwinner and dad stays at home, it is equally important for the father—as the infant’s primary caretaker—to connect emotionally with his baby. The kind of multitasking required to care for a baby while simultaneously interconnecting emotionally with the infant can be harder for fathers (information travels more easily across the part of the brain known as the corpus callosum in women, making multitasking of this nature easier). However, with a little more effort, dads can still achieve the same results.

Dads, as the primary caretakers of their baby, can share activities that include:

• Bottle feeding. Dad can form a special bond with his infant when handling feedings and diaper changes by looking into his baby’s eyes, smiling, and talking.
• Talking, reading, or singing to your baby. Even though your baby doesn’t understand what you’re saying, hearing dad’s calm, reassuring voice conveys safety.
• Playing peek-a-boo and mirroring your baby’s movements.
• Mimicking your baby’s cooing and other vocalizations.
• Holding and touching your baby as much as possible. Fathers can keep baby close by using a front baby carrier, pouch, or sling during daily activities.
• Letting baby feel the different textures of dad’s face.

Obstacles to creating a secure attachment bond

Obstacles to creating a secure attachment may first appear when your child is an infant. You may deeply love your baby, yet be ill-equipped to meet the needs of your infant’s immature nervous system. Since infants cannot calm and soothe themselves, they rely on you to do so for them. However, if you’re unable to manage your own stress, to quickly regain your calm and focus in the face of life’s daily stressors, you’ll be unable to calm and soothe your baby.

Even an older child will look to you, the parent, as a source of safety and connection and, ultimately, secure attachment. If, however, you are frequently depressed, anxious, angry, grieving, pre-occupied, or otherwise unable to be calm and present for your child, their physical, emotional, and/or intellectual development may suffer.

The new field of infant mental health, with its emphasis on brain research and the developmental role of parents, provides a clearer understanding of factors that may compromise the secure attachment bond. If either the primary caretaker or the child has a health problem, nonverbal communication between the two may be affected, which in turn can affect the secure attachment bond.

How an infant’s well-being can affect the secure attachment bond

Experience shapes the brain and this is especially true for newborns whose nervous systems are largely undeveloped.

• When a baby experiences difficulty in the womb or in the birth process—during a cesarean birth, for example—their nervous system may be compromised.
• Adopted babies or those who spend time in hospital neonatal units away from a parent may have early life experiences that leave them feeling stressed, confused, and unsafe.
• Infants who never seem to stop crying—whose eyes are always tightly closed, fists clenched, and bodies rigid—may have difficulty experiencing the soothing cues of even a highly attuned caretaker.

Fortunately, as the infant brain is so undeveloped and influenced by experience, a child can overcome any difficulties at birth. It may take a few months, but if the primary caretaker remains calm, focused, understanding, and persistent, a baby will eventually relax enough for the secure attachment process to occur.

How an older child’s well-being can affect the secure attachment bond

A child’s experience and environment can affect their ability to form a secure attachment bond. Sometimes the circumstances that affect the secure attachment bond are unavoidable, but the child is too young to understand what has happened and why. To a child, it just feels like no one cares and they lose trust in others and the world becomes an unsafe place.

• A child gets attention only by acting out or displaying other extreme behaviors.
• Sometimes the child’s needs are met and sometimes they aren’t. The child never knows what to expect.
• A child is hospitalized or separated from his or her parents.
• A child is moved from one caregiver to another (can be the result of adoption, foster care, or the loss of a parent).
• A child is mistreated or abused.

How a caretaker’s well-being can affect the secure attachment bond

The feelings you experience as a primary caretaker can shape the developmental process occurring in your child’s brain. If you are overly stressed, depressed, traumatized, or unavailable for whatever reason, you may not have the awareness or sensitivity to provide the positive emotional mirroring your child needs for secure attachment.

Sometimes even a healthy, caring, and responsible caretaker may have trouble understanding and initiating a secure attachment bond with their child. If, as a child, you didn’t experience a secure attachment bond with your own primary caregiver, you may be unaware of what secure attachment looks or feels like. But adults can change for the better, too. Just as you can strengthen yourself with exercise and a healthy diet, you can also learn to manage overwhelming stress and deal with emotions that may interfere with your ability to create a secure attachment bond.

Distractions of daily life

Cell phones, computers, TV, and countless other distractions of daily life can prevent you from giving your full attention to your child. Responding to an urgent email during meal time, texting a friend during play time, or just zoning out in front of the TV with your child are all ways parents miss out on opportunities to make eye contact with their child and engage in the secure attachment process. Without eye contact and your full attention, you’ll miss your child’s nonverbal cues.

Repair of the secure attachment bond is always possible

You don’t have to be a perfect parent to build a secure attachment bond with your infant—no one is able to be fully present and attentive to a child 24 hours a day. Because the brain is capable of changing, repair is always possible and may even strengthen the secure attachment bond.

If you notice there’s a disconnect between you, when you’ve missed or misinterpreted your child’s cues, and attempt to repair it by continuing to figure out what your child needs, the secure attachment process will stay on track. The effort involved in repair can even deepen trust, increase resiliency, and build a stronger relationship.

Challenges to creating secure attachment with your baby

Ideally, a secure attachment bond develops without a hitch. But if either you or your baby is dealing with a problem that interferes with your ability to relax and focus on one another, a secure attachment bond can be delayed or interrupted.

Challenges in babies that can affect secure attachment

Most babies are born ready to connect to their caregivers, but sometimes babies have problems that get in the way of secure attachment. These include:

• Babies with compromised nervous systems
• Babies who experienced problems in the womb or in delivery
• Babies with health problems at birth or at a very early age
• Premature babies who spent time in intensive care
• Babies who were separated from their primary caretakers at birth
• Babies who have experienced a series of caretakers

The sooner more challenging problems are identified, the easier they are to correct. For help, you can turn to your pediatrician, an infant mental health specialist, or someone trained in early intervention.

Challenges in parents that can affect secure attachment

Parents who themselves did not experience a secure attachment bond when they were infants may have trouble emotionally connecting with their babies. Other challenges that can get in the way of your ability to bond with your baby include:

• Depression, anxiety, or other emotional problems
• Drug or alcohol problems
• High levels of stress (from financial problems, lack of support, overwork, etc.)
• An abusive, neglected, or chaotic childhood history
• Living in an unsafe environment
• Mainly negative memories of your own childhood experiences

Raising Troubled Teens

Parenting a teenager is never easy, but when your teen is violent, depressed, abusing alcohol or drugs, or engaging in other reckless behaviors, it can seem overwhelming. You may feel exhausted from lying awake at night worrying about where your child is, who they are with, and what they’re doing. You may despair over failed attempts to communicate, the endless fights, and the open defiance. Or you may live in fear of your teen’s violent mood swings and explosive anger. While parenting a troubled teen can often seem like an impossible task, there are steps you can take to ease the stress both you and your teen feel. This can significantly reduce the chaos at home and help your teen transition into a happier, more successful young adult.

Whatever problems your teen is experiencing, it is not a sign that you’ve somehow failed as a parent. Instead of trying to assign blame for the situation, focus on your teen’s current needs. The first step is to find a way to connect with what they are experiencing emotionally and socially.

All teens need to feel loved

Teenagers are individuals with unique personalities and their own likes and dislikes. But some traits are universal. No matter how much your teen seems to withdraw from you emotionally, no matter how independent your teen appears, or how troubled your teen becomes, they still need your attention and to feel loved by you.

Teenagers see anger everywhere

Teenagers differ from adults in their ability to read and understand emotions in the faces of others. Adults use the prefrontal cortex to read emotional cues, but teenagers rely on the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for emotional reactions. Research shows that teens often misread facial expressions; when shown pictures of adult faces expressing different emotions, teens most often interpreted them as being angry.

Understanding teen development

Teenagers are wired differently. A teenager’s brain is still actively developing, processing information differently than a mature adult’s brain. The frontal cortex—the part of the brain used to manage emotions, make decisions, reason, and control inhibitions—is restructured during the teenage years, forming new synapses at an incredible rate, while the whole brain does not reach full maturity until about the mid-20’s.

Your teen may be taller than you and seem mature in some respects, but often they are simply unable to think things through on an adult level. Hormones produced during the physical changes of adolescence can further complicate things. Now, these biological differences don’t excuse teens’ poor behavior or absolve them from accountability for their actions, but they may help explain why teens behave so impulsively or frustrate parents and teachers with their poor decisions, social anxiety, and rebelliousness. Understanding adolescent development can help you find ways to stay connected to your teen and overcome problems together.

Helping troubled teens

Tip 1: Connect with your troubled teen

It may seem hard to believe—given your child’s anger or indifference towards you—but teens still crave love, approval, and acceptance from their parents. Positive face-to-face connection is the quickest, most efficient way to reduce stress by calming and focusing the nervous system. That means you probably have a lot more influence over your teen than you think. To open the lines of communication:

• Be aware of your own stress levels. If you’re angry or upset, now is not the time to try to communicate with your teen. Wait until you’re calm and energized before starting a conversation. You’re likely to need all the patience and positive energy you can muster.
• Be there for your teen. An offer to chat with your teen over coffee will probably be greeted with a sarcastic put-down or dismissive gesture, but it’s important to show you’re available. Insist on sitting down for mealtimes together with no TV, phones, or other distractions. Look at your teen when you speak and invite your teen to look at you. Don’t get frustrated if your efforts are greeted by nothing more than monosyllabic grunts or shrugs. You may have to eat a lot of dinners in silence, but when your teen does want to open up, they know they’ll always have the opportunity to do so.
• Find common ground. Trying to discuss your teen’s appearance or clothes may be a sure-fire way to trigger a heated argument, but you can still find some areas of common ground. Fathers and sons often connect over sports; mothers and daughters over gossip or movies. The objective is not to be your teen’s best friend, but to find common interests that you can discuss peacefully. Once you’re talking, your teen may feel more comfortable opening up to you about other topics.
• Listen without judging or giving advice. When your teen does talk to you, it’s important that you listen without judging, mocking, interrupting, criticizing, or offering advice. Your teen wants to feel understood and valued by you, so maintain eye contact and keep your focus on your child, even when they’re not looking at you. If you’re checking your email or reading the newspaper, your teen will feel that they’re not important to you.
• Expect rejection. Your teen may often respond to your attempts to connect with anger, irritation, or other negative reactions. Stay relaxed and allow your teen space to cool off. Try again later when you’re both calm. Successfully connecting to your teen will take time and effort. Don’t be put off; persevere and the breakthrough will come.

Roadblocks to connection

If your teen is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, their ability to connect emotionally or socially will be compromised. If they’re taking antidepressants, make sure the dosage is no more than absolutely needed.

Tip 2: Add balance to your troubled teen’s life

No matter the exact reason behind your teen’s problems, you can put balance back in their life by helping them make healthy lifestyle changes.

• Create structure. Teens may scream and argue with you about rules and discipline, or rebel against daily structure, but that doesn’t mean they need them any less. Structure, such as regular mealtimes and bedtimes, make a teen feel safe and secure. Sitting down to breakfast and dinner together every day can also provide a great opportunity to check in with your teen at the beginning and end of each day.
• Reduce screen time. There is a direct relationship between violent TV shows, movies, Internet content, and video games, and violent behavior in teenagers. Even if your teen isn’t drawn to violent material, too much screen time can still impact brain development. Limit the time your teen has access to electronic devices—and restrict phone usage after a certain time at night to ensure your child gets enough sleep.
• Encourage exercise. Even a little regular exercise can help ease depression, boost energy and mood, relieve stress, regulate sleep patterns, and improve your teen’s self-esteem. If you struggle getting your teen to do anything but play video games, encourage him or her to play activity-based video games or “exergames” that are played standing up and moving around—simulating dancing, skateboarding, soccer, or tennis for example. Once exercise becomes a habit, encourage your teen to try the real sport or to join a club or team.
• Eat right. Healthy eating can help stabilize a teenager’s energy, sharpen their mind, and even out their mood. Act as a role model for your teen. Cook more meals at home, eat more fruit and vegetables and cut back on junk food and soda.
• Ensure your teen gets enough sleep. Sleep deprivation can make a teen stressed, moody, irritable, and lethargic, and cause problems with weight, memory, concentration, decision-making, and immunity from illness. You might be able to get by on six hours a night and still function at work, but your teen needs 8.5 to 10 hours of sleep a night to be mentally sharp and emotionally balanced. Encourage better sleep by setting consistent bedtimes, and removing TVs, computers, and other electronic gadgets from your teen’s room—the light from these suppresses melatonin production and stimulates the mind, rather than relaxing it. Suggest that your teen try listening to music or audio books at bedtime instead.

Tip 3: Take care of yourself

The stress of dealing with any teenager, especially one who’s experiencing behavioral problems, can take a toll on your own health, so it’s important to take care of yourself. That means looking after your emotional and physical needs and learning to manage stress.

Taking care of yourself

• Take time to relax daily and learn how to regulate yourself and de-stress when you start to feel overwhelmed.
• Don’t go it alone, especially if you’re a single parent. Seek help from friends, relatives, a school counselor, sports coach, religious leader, or someone else who has a relationship with your teen. Organizations such as Boys and Girls Clubs, YMCA, and other youth groups can also help provide structure and guidance.

This won’t last forever

It’s worth reminding your teen that no matter how much pain or turmoil they are experiencing right now, with your love and support, and professional help when it’s needed, the situation can and will get better—for both of you. Your teen can overcome the problems of adolescence and mature into a happy, successful young adult.

Troubled teen warning signs

As teenagers begin to assert their independence and find their own identity, many experience behavioral changes that can seem bizarre and unpredictable to parents. Your sweet, obedient child who once couldn’t bear to be separated from you now won’t be seen within 20 yards of you, and greets everything you say with a roll of the eyes or the slam of a door. As difficult as this behavior can be for parents to endure, they are the actions of a normal teenager.

A troubled teen, on the other hand, exhibits behavioral, emotional, or learning problems beyond typical teenage issues. They may repeatedly practice at-risk behaviors such as violence, skipping school, drinking, drug use, sex, self-harming, shoplifting, or other criminal acts. Or they may exhibit symptoms of mental health problems like depression, anxiety, or eating disorders. While any negative behavior repeated over and over can be a sign of underlying trouble, it’s important for parents to understand which behaviors are normal during adolescent development, and which can point to more serious problems.

When typical teen behavior becomes troubled teen behavior

Changing appearance

• Typical teen behavior: Keeping up with fashion is important to teens. That may mean wearing provocative or attention-seeking clothing or dyeing hair. Unless your teen wants tattoos, avoid criticizing and save your protests for the bigger issues. Fashions change, and so will your teen.
• Warning signs: Changing appearance can be a red flag if it’s accompanied by problems at school or other negative changes in behavior. Evidence of cutting and self-harm or extreme weight loss or weight gain are also warning signs.

Increased arguments and rebellious behavior

• Typical teen behavior: As teens begin seeking independence, you will frequently butt heads and argue.
• Warning signs: Constant escalation of arguments, violence at home, skipping school, getting in fights, and run-ins with the law are all red flag behaviors that go beyond the norm of teenage rebellion.

Mood swings

• Typical teen behavior: Hormones and developmental changes often mean that your teen will experience mood swings, irritable behavior, and struggle to manage their emotions.
• Warning signs: Rapid changes in personality, falling grades, persistent sadness, anxiety, or sleep problems could indicate depression, bullying, or another emotional health issue. Take any talk about suicide seriously.

Experimenting with alcohol or drugs

• Typical teen behavior: Most teens will try alcohol and smoke a cigarette at some point. Many will even try marijuana. Talking to your kids frankly and openly about drugs and alcohol is one way to ensure it doesn’t progress further.
• Warning signs: When alcohol or drug use becomes habitual, especially when it’s accompanied by problems at school or home, it may indicate a substance abuse issue or other underlying problems.

More influenced by friends than parents

• Typical teen behavior: Friends become extremely important to teens and can have a great influence on their choices. As teens focus more on their peers, that inevitably means they withdraw from you. It may leave you feeling hurt, but it doesn’t mean your teen doesn’t still need your love.
• Warning signs: Red flags include a sudden change in peer group (especially if the new friends encourage negative behavior), refusing to comply with reasonable rules and boundaries, or avoiding the consequences of bad behavior by lying. If your teen is spending too much time alone it can also indicate problems.

Anger and violence in teenagers

Everyone has a right to feel physically safe. If your teen is violent towards you, seek help immediately. Call a friend, relative, or the police if necessary. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your child, but the safety of you and your family should always come first.

If you’re a parent of a teenage boy who is angry, aggressive, or violent, you may live in constant fear. Every phone call or knock on the door could bring news that your son has either been harmed, or has seriously harmed others.

Teenage girls get angry as well, of course, but that anger is usually expressed verbally rather than physically. Teen boys are more likely to throw objects, kick doors, or punch the walls when they’re angry. Some will even direct their rage towards you. For any parent, especially single mothers, this can be a profoundly upsetting and unsettling experience. But you don’t have to live under the threat of violence. Putting up with violence is as harmful for your teen as it is for you.

Dealing with angry teens

Anger can be a challenging emotion for many teens as it often masks other underlying emotions such as frustration, embarrassment, sadness, hurt, fear, shame, or vulnerability. When teens can’t cope with these feelings, they may lash out, putting themselves and others at risk. In their teens, many boys have difficulty recognizing their feelings, let alone expressing them or asking for help.

The challenge for parents is to help your teen cope with emotions and deal with anger in a more constructive way:

• Establish boundaries, rules and consequences. At a time when both you and your teen are calm, explain that there’s nothing wrong with feeling anger, but there are unacceptable ways of expressing it. If your teen lashes out, for example, they will have to face the consequences—loss of privileges or even police involvement. Teens need boundaries and rules, now more than ever.
• Try to understand what’s behind the anger. Is your teen sad or depressed? For example, do they have feelings of inadequacy because their peers have things that they don’t? Does your teen just need someone to listen to them without judgment?
• Be aware of anger warning signs and triggers. Does your teen get headaches or start to pace before exploding with rage? Or does a certain class at school always trigger anger? When teens can identify the warning signs that their temper is starting to boil, it allows them to take steps to defuse the anger before it gets out of control.
• Help your teen find healthy ways to relieve anger. Exercise is especially effective: running, biking, climbing or team sports. Even simply hitting a punch bag or a pillow can help relieve tension and anger. Dancing or playing along to loud, angry music can also provide relief. Some teens also use art or writing to creatively express their anger.
• Give your teen space to retreat. When your teen is angry, allow him or her to retreat to a place where it’s safe to cool off. Don’t follow your teen and demand apologies or explanations while they are still raging; this will only prolong or escalate the anger, or even provoke a physical response.
• Take steps to manage your own anger. You can’t help your teen if you lose your temper as well. As difficult as it sounds, you have to remain calm and balanced no matter how much your child provokes you. If you or other members of your family scream, hit each other, or throw things, your teen will naturally assume that these are appropriate ways to express their anger as well.

Red flags for violent behavior in teens

It only takes a glance at the news headlines to know that teen violence is a growing problem. Movies and TV shows glamorize all manners of violence, many web sites promote extremist views that call for violent action, and hour after hour of playing violent video games can desensitize teens to the real world consequences of aggression and violence. Of course, not every teen exposed to violent content will become violent, but for a troubled teen who is emotionally damaged or suffering from mental health problems, the consequences can be tragic.

Warning signs that a teen may become violent include:

• Playing with weapons of any kind
• Obsessively playing violent video games, watching violent movies, or visiting websites that promote or glorify violence
• Threatening or bullying others
• Fantasizing about acts of violence he’d like to commit
• Being violent or cruel to pets or other animals

Seeking professional help for a troubled teen

If you identify red flag behaviors in your teen, consult a doctor, counselor, therapist, or other mental health professional for help finding appropriate treatment.

Even when you seek professional help for your teen, though, that doesn’t mean that your job is done—it’s just begun. As detailed below, there are many actions you can take at home to help your teen and improve the relationship between you. And you don’t need to wait for a diagnosis to start putting them into practice.

Bullying and Cyberbullying

The effects of bullying can be devastating, leaving you feeling helpless, humiliated, angry, depressed, or even suicidal. And technology means that bullying is no longer limited to schoolyards or street corners. Cyberbullying can occur anywhere, even at home, via smartphones, emails, texts, and social media, 24 hours a day, with potentially hundreds of people involved. But no type of bullying should ever be tolerated. These tips can help you protect yourself or your child—at school and online—and deal with the growing problem of bullying and cyberbullying.

What is bullying?

Bullying is repeated aggressive behavior that can be physical, verbal, or relational, in-person or online. Bullies are often relentless, bullying over and over again for long periods of time. You may live in constant fear of where and when the bully will strike next, what they’ll do, and how far they’ll go.

• Physical bullying – includes hitting, kicking, or pushing you (or even just threatening to do so), as well as stealing, hiding, or ruining your things, and hazing, harassment, or humiliation.
• Verbal bullying – includes name-calling, teasing, taunting, insulting, or otherwise verbally abusing you.
• Relationship bullying – includes refusing to talk to you, excluding you from groups or activities, spreading lies or rumors about you, making you do things you don’t want to do.

Boys frequently bully using physical threats and actions, while girls are more likely to engage in verbal or relationship bullying.

What is cyberbullying?

Cyberbullying occurs when someone uses digital technology, such as the Internet, emails, text messages, or social media, to harass, threaten, or humiliate you. Unlike traditional bullying, cyberbullying doesn’t require face-to-face contact and isn’t limited to just a handful of witnesses at a time. It also doesn’t require physical power or strength in numbers.

• Cyberbullies come in all shapes and sizes—almost anyone with an Internet connection or mobile phone can cyberbully someone else, often without having to reveal their true identity.
• Cyberbullies can torment you 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and the bullying can follow you anywhere so that no place, not even home, ever feels safe. And with a few clicks the humiliation can be witnessed by hundreds or even thousands of people online.
• The methods kids and teens use to cyberbully can be as varied and imaginative as the technology they have access to. they might range from sending threatening or taunting messages via email, text, social media, or IM, to breaking into your email account or stealing your online identity to hurt and humiliate you. Some cyberbullies may even create a website or social media page to target you.

As with face-to-face bullying, both boys and girls cyberbully, but tend to do so in different ways. Boys tend to bully by “sexting” (sending messages of a sexual nature) or with messages that threaten physical harm. Girls, on the other hand, more commonly cyberbully by spreading lies and rumors, exposing your secrets, or by excluding you from social media groups, emails, buddy lists and the like. Because cyberbullying is so easy to perpetrate, a child or teen can easily change roles, going from cyberbullying victim at one point to cyberbully the next, and then back again.

The effects of bullying and cyberbullying

Whether you’re being targeted by bullies or cyberbullies, the results are similar:

• You’re made to feel hurt, angry, afraid, helpless, hopeless, isolated, ashamed, and even guilty that the bullying is somehow your fault. You may even feel suicidal.
• Your physical health is likely to suffer, and you are at a greater risk of developing mental health problems such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, or adult onset PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).
• You’re more likely to miss, skip, or drop out of school to avoid being bullied.

In many cases, cyberbullying can be even more painful than face-to-face bullying because:

• Cyberbullying can happen anywhere, at any time. You may experience it even in places where you’d normally feel safe, such as your home, and at times when you’d least expect it, like during the weekend in the company of your family. It can seem like there’s no escape from the taunting and humiliation.
• A lot of cyberbullying can be done anonymously, so you may not be sure who is targeting you. This can make you feel even more threatened and can embolden bullies, as they believe online anonymity means they’re less likely to get caught. Since cyberbullies can’t see your reaction, they will often go much further in their harassment or ridicule than they would if they were face-to-face with you.
• Cyberbullying can be witnessed by potentially thousands of people. Emails can be forwarded to many, many people while social media posts or website comments can often be seen by anyone. The more far-reaching the bullying, the more humiliating it can become.

Why is your child being bullied?

While there are many reasons why bullies may be targeting your child, bullies tend to pick on people who are “different” or don’t fit in with the mainstream. While your child individualism is something that he/she will celebrate later in life, it can seem like a curse when they’re young and trying to fit in. Perhaps your child dress or act differently, or maybe his/her race, religion, or sexual orientation sets your child apart. It may simply be that they’re new to the school or neighborhood and haven’t made friends yet.

It’s important to remember that your child not alone. Many of children and adults have been bullied at some point in their lives. In fact, about 25 percent of children experience bullying, and as many as one third of teenagers suffer from cyberbullying at some point. But whatever the circumstances, your child doesn’t have to put up with it. There are plenty of people who can help your child overcome the problem, retain your child’s dignity, and preserve his/her sense of self.

How to deal with a bully

There is no simple solution to bullying or cyberbullying, or a foolproof way to handle a bully. But since bullying or cyberbullying is rarely limited to one or two incidents—it’s far more likely to be a sustained attack over a period of time—like the bully, you may have to be relentless in reporting each and every bullying incident until it stops. Remember: there is no reason for you to ever put up with any kind of bullying.

Don’t blame yourself. It is not your fault. No matter what a bully says or does, you should not be ashamed of who you are or what you feel. The bully is the person with the problem, not you.

Try to view bullying from a different perspective. The bully is an unhappy, frustrated person who wants to have control over your feelings so that you feel as badly as they do. Don’t give them the satisfaction.

Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t make a bullying incident worse by dwelling on it or reading cyberbullying messages over and over. Instead, delete any messages and focus on the positive experiences in your life. There are many wonderful things about you so be proud of who you are.

Learn to manage stress. Finding healthy ways to relieve the stress generated by bullying can make you more resilient so you won’t feel overwhelmed by negative experiences. Exercise, meditation, positive self-talk, muscle relaxation, and breathing exercises are all good ways to cope with the stress of bullying.

Spend time doing things you enjoy. The more time you spend with activities that bring you pleasure—sports, hobbies, hanging out with friends who don’t participate in bullying, for example—the less significance bullying or cyberbullying will have on your life.

Find support from those who don’t bully

When you’re being bullied, having trusted people you can turn to for encouragement and support will ease your stress and boost your self-esteem and resilience. Talk to a parent, teacher, counselor, or other trusted adult—it doesn’t mean that you’re weak or there’s something wrong with you. And reach out to connect with real friends (those who don’t participate in any kind of bullying). If you’re new to a school or neighborhood, or don’t feel that you have anyone to turn to, there are lots of ways to make new friends. It may not always seem like it, but there are plenty of people who will love and appreciate you for who you are.

• Unplug from technology. Taking a break from your smartphone, computer, tablet, and video games can open you up to meeting new people.
• Find others who share your same values and interests. You may be able to make friends at a youth group, book club, or religious organization. Learn a new sport, join a team, or take up a new hobby such as chess, art, or music. Or volunteer your time—helping others is a great way to feel better about yourself and expand your social network.
• Share your feelings about bullying. Talk to a parent, counselor, coach, religious leader, or trusted friend. Expressing what you’re going through can make a huge difference in the way you feel, even if it doesn’t change the situation.
• Boost your confidence. Exercise is a great way to boost your self-esteem and reduce stress. Go for a run or take a kick boxing class to work off your anger in a healthy way.

Where to find help

Bullying helplines:

• U.S.: 1-800-273-8255 – Crisis Call Center (https://cssnv.org/)
• UK: 0845 22 55 787 – National Bullying Helpline (https://www.nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk/)
• Canada: 1-877-352-4497 – BullyingCanada (https://www.bullyingcanada.ca/)
• Australia:1800 551 800 – Kids Helpline (https://kidshelpline.com.au/)
• New Zealand: 0800 54 37 54 – Kidsline (http://www.kidsline.org.nz/Home_312.aspx)

Help for gay and lesbian youths being bullied:

• U.S.: 1-866-488-7386 – The Trevor Project (https://www.thetrevorproject.org/)
• UK: 0800 999 5428 – Galop (http://www.galop.org.uk/)
• Canada: PFLAG Canada offers regional numbers (http://pflagcanada.ca/pflag-chapters/)
• Australia: 1800 184 527 – Qlife (https://qlife.org.au/)

Tips for dealing with cyberbullying

Dealing with cyberbullying is rarely easy, but there are steps you can take to cope with the problem. To start, it may be a good time to reassess your technology use. Spending less time on social media or checking texts and emails, for example, and more time interacting with real people, can help you distance yourself from online bullies. It can also help to reduce anxiety, depression, and feelings of loneliness.

As well as seeking support, managing stress, and spending time with people and activities that bring you pleasure, the following tips can help:

• Don’t respond to any messages or posts written about you, no matter how hurtful or untrue. Responding will only make the situation worse and provoking a reaction from you is exactly what the cyberbullies want, so don’t give them the satisfaction.
• Don’t seek revenge on a cyberbully by becoming a cyberbully yourself. Again, it will only make the problem worse and could result in serious legal consequences for you. If you wouldn’t say it in person, don’t say it online.
• Save the evidence of the cyberbullying, keep abusive text messages or a screenshot of a webpage, for example, and then report them to a trusted adult. If you don’t report incidents, the cyberbully will often become more aggressive.
• Report threats of harm and inappropriate sexual messages to the police. In many cases, the cyberbully’s actions can be prosecuted by law.
• Prevent communication from the cyberbully, by blocking their email address, cell phone number, and deleting them from social media contacts. Report their activities to their Internet service provider (ISP) or to any social media or other websites they use to target you. The cyberbully’s actions may constitute a violation of the website’s terms of service or, depending on the laws in your area, may even warrant criminal charges.

Tips for parents and teachers to stop bullying or cyberbullying

No matter how much pain it causes, kids are often reluctant to tell parents or teachers about bullying because they feel a sense of shame from being victimized. In the case of cyberbullying, they may also fear losing their cell phone or computer privileges. Bullies also tend to be adept at hiding their behavior from adults, so if a child is being bullied it may not be obvious to a parent or teacher. Therefore, it’s important to recognize the warning signs of bullying and cyberbullying.

Your child may be the victim of bullying if he or she:

• Withdraws from family, friends, and activities they previously enjoyed.
• Suffers an unexplained drop in grades.
• Refuses to go to school or to specific classes, or avoids group activities.
• Shows changes in mood, behavior, sleep, appetite, or shows signs of depression or anxiety.
• Avoids discussions or is secretive about cell phone or computer activities.
• Becomes sad, angry, or distressed during or after being online.
• Appears anxious when viewing a text, email, or social media post.

While it’s important not to threaten to withdraw access or otherwise punish a child who’s been the victim of cyberbullying, parents should always monitor a child’s use of technology, regardless of how much your child resents it.

Use parental control apps on your child’s smartphone or tablet and set up filters on your child’s computer to block inappropriate web content and help you monitor your child’s online activities.

Limit data access to your child’s smartphone. Some wireless providers allow you to turn off text messaging services during certain hours.

Insist on knowing your child’s passwords and learn the common acronyms kids use online, in social media, and in text messages.

Know who your child communicates with online. Go over your child’s address book and social media contacts with them. Ask who each person is and how your child knows them.

Encourage your child to tell you or another trusted adult if they receive threatening messages or are otherwise targeted by cyberbullies, while reassuring them that doing so will not result in their loss of phone or computer privileges.

If your child is a bully

It can be difficult for any parent to learn that their child is bullying others but it’s important to take steps to end the negative behavior before it has serious and long-term consequences for your child. Kids who bully others:

• Have a higher risk of abusing alcohol and drugs.
• Are more likely to get into fights, vandalize property, and drop out of school.
• Are twice as likely as their peers to have criminal convictions as adults and four times more likely to be multiple offenders.
• Are more likely as adults to be abusive toward their romantic partners, spouses, or children.

If your child has trouble managing strong emotions such as anger, hurt, or frustration, talk to a therapist about helping your child learn to cope with these feelings in a healthy way.

Some bullies learn aggressive behavior from their experiences at home. As a parent, you may be setting a bad example for your kids by spanking or otherwise striking them, verbally or physically abusing your spouse, or by displaying bullying behavior such as:

• Abusing your child’s sports coach, umpires and referees, or members of the opposing team.
• Swearing at other drivers on the road.
• Humiliating a waitress, shop assistant, or cab driver who makes a mistake.
• Talking negatively about other students, parents, or teachers so that your child thinks it’s acceptable to use verbal abuse or cyberbullying to intimidate others.
• Sending or forwarding abusive online messages that target coworkers or acquaintances.
• Communicating with people online in ways that you wouldn’t face-to-face.

Tips for parents dealing with a bullying child

• Learn about your child’s life. If your behavior at home isn’t negatively influencing your child, it’s possible their friends or peers are encouraging the bullying behavior. Your child may be struggling to fit in or develop relationships with other kids. Talk to your child. The more you understand about his or her life, the easier you’ll be able to identify the source of the problem.
• Educate your child about bullying. Your child may not understand how hurtful and damaging their behavior can be. Foster empathy and awareness by encouraging your child to look at their actions from the victim’s perspective. Remind your child that bullying and cyberbullying can have serious legal consequences.
• Manage stress. Teach your child positive ways to manage stress. Your child’s bullying may be an attempt at relieving stress. Or your own stress, anxiety, or worry may be creating an unstable home environment. Exercising, spending time in nature, or playing with a pet are great ways for both kids and adults to let off steam and relieve tension.
• Set limits with technology. Let your child know that you’ll be monitoring their use of computers, tablets, smartphones, email, and text messaging. If necessary, remove access to technology until behavior improves.
• Establish consistent rules of behavior. Make sure your child understands your rules and the punishment for breaking them. Children may not think they need discipline, but a lack of boundaries sends a signal that the child is unworthy of the parents’ time, care, and attention.

Children and Divorce

Some children go through divorce with relatively few problems, while others have a very difficult time. It’s normal for kids to feel a range of difficult emotions, but time, love, and reassurance should help them to heal. You can dramatically reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority. If your kids remain overwhelmed, though, you may need to seek professional help.

Normal reactions to divorce or separation

Although strong feelings can be tough on children, the following reactions are normal for children following divorce.

• Anger. Your kids may express their anger, rage, and resentment with you and your spouse for destroying their sense of normalcy.
• Anxiety. It’s natural for children to feel anxious when faced with big changes in their lives.
• Mild depression. Sadness about the family’s new situation is normal, and sadness coupled with a sense of hopelessness and helplessness is likely to become a mild form of depression.

It will take some time for your kids to work through their issues about the separation or divorce, but you should see gradual improvement over time.

Red flags for more serious problems

If things get worse rather than better after several months following your divorce, it may be a sign that your child is stuck in depression, anxiety, or anger and could use some additional support. Watch for these warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety in kids:

• Sleep problems
• Poor concentration
• Trouble at school
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Self-injury, cutting, or eating disorders
• Frequent angry or violent outbursts
• Withdrawal from loved ones
• Disinterest in loved activities

Discuss these or other divorce-related warning-signs with your child’s doctor, teachers, or consult a child therapist for guidance on coping with specific problems.

Helping children cope with separation and divorce

For children, divorce can be an especially sad, stressful, and confusing time, children often feel that their whole world has turned upside down. At any age, children may feel shocked, uncertain, or angry at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up. They may even feel guilty, blaming themselves for the problems at home. While it’s normal for a child to grieve the breakup of the family, as a parent there’s plenty you can do to make the process less painful for your kids. Divorce is never a seamless process, but these tips can help your children cope with the upheaval of a breakup and come out the other side more resilient, more understanding, and even with a closer bond to both parents.

Your patience, reassurance, and listening ear can minimize tension as your children learn to cope with unfamiliar circumstances. By providing routines your kids can rely on, you remind them that they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. And by maintaining a working relationship with your ex, you can help your kids avoid the stress and anguish that comes with watching parents in conflict. With your support, your kids can not only successfully navigate this unsettling time, but even emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong.

What your child wants from mom and dad during a divorce:

• I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please call me, email, text, and ask me lots of questions. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me.
• Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
• I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
• Please communicate directly with each other so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth between you.
• When talking about my other parent, please say only kind things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
• Please remember that I want both of you in my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.

How to tell kids about divorce

When it comes to telling your kids about your divorce, many parents freeze up. Make the conversation a little easier on both yourself and your children by preparing what you’re going to say before you sit down to talk. If you can anticipate tough questions, deal with your own anxieties ahead of time, and plan carefully what you’ll be telling them, you will be better equipped to help your children handle the news.

What to say and how to say it

Difficult as it may be, try to strike an empathetic tone and address the most important points right up front. Give your children the benefit of an honest—but kid-friendly—explanation.

• Tell the truth. Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them. Pick something simple and honest, like “We can’t get along anymore.” You may need to remind your children that while sometimes parents and kids don’t always get along, parents and kids don’t stop loving each other or get divorced from each other.
• Say “I love you.” However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for them hasn’t changed is a powerful message. Tell them you’ll still be caring for them in every way, from fixing their breakfast to helping them with homework.
• Address changes. Preempt your kids’ questions about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different, and other things won’t. Let them know that together you can deal with each detail as you go.

Avoid blaming

It’s vital to be honest with your kids, but without being critical of your spouse. This can be especially difficult when there have been hurtful events, such as infidelity, but with a little diplomacy, you can avoid playing the blame game.

• Present a united front. As much as you can, try to agree in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce—and stick to it.
• Plan your conversations. Make plans to talk with your children before any changes in the living arrangements occur. And plan to talk when your spouse is present, if possible.
• Show restraint. Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation.

How much information should I give my child about the divorce?

Especially at the beginning of your separation or divorce, you’ll need to pick and choose how much to tell your children. Think carefully about how certain information will affect them.

• Be age-aware. In general, younger children need less detail and will do better with a simple explanation, while older kids may need more information.
• Share logistical information. Do tell kids about changes in their living arrangements, school, or activities, but don’t overwhelm them with the details.
• Keep it real. No matter how much or how little you decide to tell your kids, remember that the information should be truthful above all else.

Help your child grieve the divorce

For children, divorce can feel like an intense loss—the loss of a parent, the loss of the family unit, or simply the loss of the life they knew. You can help your children grieve their loss and adjust to new circumstances by helping them express their emotions.

• Listen. Encourage your child to share their feelings and really
  listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, loss or frustration about things you may not have expected.
• Help them find words for their feelings. It’s normal for children to have difficulty expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk.
• Let them be honest. Children might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. They may blame you for the divorce but if they aren’t able to share their honest feelings, they will have a harder time working through them.
• Make talking about the divorce an ongoing process. As children age and mature, they often have new questions, feelings, or concerns about what happened, so you may want to go over the same ground again and again.
• Acknowledge their feelings. You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them. You can also inspire trust by showing that you understand.

Let children know they’re not at fault

Many children believe that they had something to do with the divorce, recalling times they argued with their parents, received poor grades, or got in trouble. To help your kids let go of this misconception:

• Set the record straight. Repeat why you decided to get a divorce. Sometimes hearing the real reason for your decision can help.
• Be patient. Kids may seem to “get it” one day and feel unsure the next. Treat your child’s confusion or misunderstandings with patience.
• Reassure. As often as you need to, remind your children that both parents will continue to love them and that they are not responsible for the divorce.

Give reassurance and love

Children have a remarkable ability to heal when given the support and love they need. Your words, actions, and ability to remain consistent are all important tools to reassure your children of your unchanging love.

• Both parents will be there. Let your kids know that even though the physical circumstances of the family unit will change, they can continue to have healthy, loving relationships with both of their parents.
• It’ll be okay. Tell kids that things won’t always be easy, but that they will work out. Knowing it’ll be all right can provide incentive for your kids to give a new situation a chance.
• Closeness. Physical closeness—in the form of hugs, pats on the shoulder, or simple proximity—has a powerful way of reassuring your child of your love.
• Be honest. When kids raise concerns or anxieties, respond truthfully. If you don’t know the answer, say gently that you aren’t sure right now, but that you’ll find out and it will be okay.

Provide stability through the divorce

While it’s good for children to learn to be flexible, adjusting to many new circumstances at once can be very difficult. Help your kids adjust to change by providing as much stability and structure as possible in their daily lives.

Remember that establishing structure and continuity doesn’t mean that you need rigid schedules or that mom and dad’s routines need to be exactly the same. But creating some regular routines at each household and consistently communicating to your children what to expect will provide your kids with a sense of calm and stability.

The comfort of routines

Children feel safer and more secure when they know what to expect next. Knowing that, even when they switch homes, dinnertime is followed by homework and then a bath, for example, can set a child’s mind at ease.

Maintaining routine also means continuing to observe rules, rewards, and discipline with your children. Resist the temptation to spoil kids during a divorce by not enforcing limits or allowing them to break rules.

Take care of yourself

The first safety instruction for an airplane emergency is to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child. When it comes to helping your kids through your divorce, the take home message is: take care of yourself so that you can be there for your kids.

Coping with your divorce or breakup

The breakup of a relationship can trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling emotions. As well as grieving the loss of your relationship, you may feel confused, isolated, and fearful about the future. By learning how to cope with the pain of a separation or divorce in healthy ways, you’ll be better able to stay calm and help your children feel more at ease.

• Exercise often and eat a healthy diet. Exercise relieves the pent-up stress and frustration that’s commonplace with divorce. And although cooking at home (or learning to cook for one) involves more effort than ordering in, eating healthfully will make you feel better, inside and out—so skip the junk and convenience food.
• See friends often. It may be tempting to hole up and avoid seeing friends and family who will inevitably ask about the divorce—but the reality is that face-to-face support from others is vital for relieving the stress of a breakup and getting you through this difficult time. If you don’t want to talk about your breakup, just ask friends to avoid the topic; they’ll understand.
• Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings, thoughts, and moods can help you release tension, sadness, and anger. As time passes, you can look back on just how far you’ve come.

Seek support

At the very least, divorce is complicated and stressful—and can be devastating without support.

• Lean on friends. Talk face-to-face with friends or a support group about any difficult emotions you’re feeling—such as bitterness, anger, frustration—so you don’t take it out on your kids. If you’ve neglected your social circle while being married and don’t feel you have anyone to confide in, it’s never too late to build new friendships.
• Never vent negative feelings to your child. Whatever you do, do not use your child to talk it out like you would with a friend.
• Keep laughing. Try to inject humor and play into your life and the lives of your children as much as you can; it can relieve stress and give you all a break from sadness and anger.
• See a therapist. If you are feeling intense anger, fear, grief, shame, or guilt, find a professional to help you work through those feelings.

Work with your ex

Conflict between parents—separated or not—can be very damaging for kids. It’s crucial to avoid putting your children in the middle of your fights, or making them feel like they have to choose between you. The following tips can save your kids a lot of heartache.

• Take it somewhere else. Never argue in front of your children, whether it’s in person or over the phone. Ask your ex to talk another time, or drop the conversation altogether.
• Use tact. Refrain from talking with your children about details of the other parent’s behavior. It’s the oldest rule in the book: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
• Be nice. Be polite in your interactions with your ex-spouse. This not only sets a good example for your kids but can also encourage your ex to be gracious in response.
• Look on the bright side. Choose to focus on the strengths of all family members. Encourage children to do the same.
• Work on it. Make it a priority to develop an amicable relationship with your ex-spouse as soon as possible. Watching you be friendly can reassure children and teach problem-solving skills as well.

Resolving parenting conflicts with your ex

If you find yourself, time after time, locked in battle with your ex over the details of parenting, try to step back and remember the bigger purpose at hand.

Remind yourself: what’s best for your kids in the long run? Having a good relationship with both parents throughout their lives.

Think ahead in order to stay calm. If you can keep long-term goals in mind—your children’s physical and mental health, your independence—you may be able to avoid disagreements about daily details.

Consider everyone’s well-being. The happiness of your children, yourself, and, yes, even your ex, should be the broad brushstrokes in the big picture of your new lives after divorce.